Monthly Archives: June 2013

Ask Sinai #7 – Special Edition: Ask Soigné

Ask Sinai a question in the comments section below. She might even be gracious enough to use some of her extremely precious celestial time to type an answer out to your question!


Dear Soigné,

I am writing to you because I hear you are an expert on being an annoying sister, and I want to benefit from your vast knowledge and experience on this subject. Here is the problem: I have annoying sister somewhat like you. She is very ugly, what with her pale butt/torso complexion and over-tanned head (it is so tanned that it is literally black). I am a very powerful rat who has no time for doing house chores, so I have employed her to take care of my business and basically be my maid/butler/cook/all-purpose servant. I even pay her quite a large amount of money for her work (much more than she would get from other employers), but she either wastes much of it on frivolous things (like toothpaste, toilet paper, and electricity) or she donates it to a charity for charming and attractive rats with names beginning with S and rhyming with NaiNai who need a little help with the necessities, like power, dental hygiene, and having something to wipe themselves with. The truth is, even though she has quite a substancial income (thanks to me), she squanders it all (although it is nice that she donates to a charity organization) and is left with a little over minimum wage, and she blames me for it. Not only this, but she is not very good at her job. Her toast is too crispy, she left a streak mark on my bottom-of-first-floor-to-ceilling-of-fifth-floor window wall, and she takes up too much space in my tiny five story sophisticated hut with a mere square footage of twenty thousand feet. As she has not responded to my kindness, I have decided that the only way to get rid of her bad habits but keep her (because I am a loving sister) is to be annoying back to her. Have you any ideas on how to be the most irritating sibling ever (second only to you, naturally)?

Soigné, I Need An Insighfulthoughtonthis

Dear S. I. N. A. I.,

You sound very much like my sister. If you could kindly write back with proof that you are not her, then I would be quite pleased to help you. Until then, if you are my sister, I just want you to know that I am not helping you to be more annoying especially since I’d have to deal with it.

Soigné

Dear Soigné,

What ever makes you think I am your sister? I am too humble to be that lovely and very attractive, kind, charming, witty, intelligent, smart, lovable, pretty, beautiful, funny, remarkable, grand, and humble rat. Here is a picture of me for proof.

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As you can see, I am not Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything (also known as your sister), but I would not mind if I was.

Sinai Is Not the Author (Iakamyself)

Dear S. I. N. A. (I.),

That’s a picture of me. Sorry, but I am definitely not helping you, even if you are not Sinai.

Soigné

Dear Soigné,

Young lady, answer me now, or I shall lower your salary that you already complain so much about.

Still I’m Not An Innocentrat(akanotsinai)inyoureyes

Dear S. I. N. A. I.,

You can’t do that. It’s already minimum wage. Any lower is against the law.

Soigné

Dear Soigné,

I AM THE DIVINE RULER OF EVERYTHING! I WILL LOWER MINIMUM WAGE IF I MUST TO TRAIN YOU INTO OBEDIENCE!

I am not Sinai you doubting and untrusting rodent unworthy of my letters

Dear Sinai,

Just gave yourself away. #jokesonyou

Soigné

Undear Soigné,

I just passed a law making minimum wage 50¢ a year. #whosgotthelastlaughnow

I am not your sister!

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A Sinai Tale #8: The Most Delightful and Positively Radiant Tale You Will Ever Read That is Sure to Leave a Good Impression on You (By Guest Author, King Negev, Boss of You, Ruler of the World, and Master of the Universe)

“Negev negev negev negev. Negev. Negev… negev, negev negev. Negev negev; negev negev negev negev. Negev negv, negev negev. Negev. Negev– negev. Negev, negev negev.”

Negev Negev Negev, Negev

Negev negev negev. Negev! Negev negev negev negev, negev negev, negev. Negev? Negev negev. Negev (negev negev negev) negev negev, negev. Negev. Negev negev, negev. Negev negev negev, negev! “Negev negev, negev. Negev. Negev. Negev negev negev negev, negev. Negev negev; negev negev negev negev. Negev,” negev negev negev. Negev, negev negev? Negev. Negev negev negev negev negev, negev negev negev! Negev, negev negev $negev.negev. Negev, negev… negev.

Negev! Negev negev negev negev negev negev, negev negev negev… negev negev negev. Negev. Negev? Negev negev. Negev, negev.

I. Negev
II. Negev– negev negev
III. Negev negev
IV. Negev, negev
V. Negev; negev negev negev.

Negev negev negev. Negev. Negev; negev negev.

Negev negev negev negev. Negev negev; negev! Negev. Negev. Negev.

NEGEV! Negev negev negev negev negev, negev. Negev negev negev negev negev negev– negev negev. Negev negev.* Negev? Negev negev negev? Negev… negev negev negev, negev negev negev. “Negev negev negev– negev! Negev negev¢ negev negev negev. Negev, negev. Negev. Negev?” negev negev negev negev negev negev negev negev negev% negev negev, negev negev negev negev negev negev negev. Negev negev negev, negev… negev negev negev.

Negev negev. Negev… Negev negev negev, negev negev negev negev negev negev negev negev negev negev negev negev negev negev… negev, negev. Negev. Negev negev; negev negev, negev? Negev negev negev negev negev. Negev. Negev, negev negev negev negev, negev Negev negev negev negev negev negev negev negev negev negev, negev, negev negev negev negev, negev, negev, negev, negev negev negev negev.

Negev negev.

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Quote$ #9

“Sometimes I like to think of a world without me in it. Then I realize just how awful that would be for not only me but everyone, and I go back to thinking about my beautiful face that I am sure everybody would miss if I suddenly disappeared.”

Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything

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The Rudeness of Soigné

Sinai 135

Some might call this photo a cute little picture of two rats having”fun” outside, but I call that poppycock. This is obviously a picture of Soigné (the ugly white and black rat that is cursing the ground with her evil touch) being very rude to her lovely and abused sister, Sinai (the cute black and white rat that is on the left). Not only is the evil Soigné cursing the ground (which is why it is rock and not fertile soil with grass), she is also shoving her ugly white butt in poor Sinai’s face! No one should ever have to look at a sibling’s rear end. It is just… unacceptable. Just look at the beleaguered Sinai’s expression, and you will know how traumatic this experience is. Sinai is clearly in shock. She knew that her sibling was rude, but she did not know just how rude Soigné is. ‘Tis a very tragic scene. Now go shun Soigné until she apologizes to Sinai/gives Sinai a ton of money.

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Stop being naked!

Do you ever sometimes feel like your tail is just a little… naked? Well I know for a fact that you have. Don’t even try denying it, because you know it’s the truth. Tails are so overlooked in fashion these days. I mean, you can get fake tail coverings, but those just make your naked tail look like another naked tail, which is kind of not okay, especially if you are trying to stop being so naked on your tail. Well, lucky for you, SinaiByootie INC. (run by your favorite rat, Sinai) has created an accessory that goes on your tail and makes your tail stop looking so naked. It’s called… The Tayill Reen™!

happysinai

What you look like before you get The Tayill Reen™: somewhat happy, but not nearly as happy as you could possibly be, as your tail is suffering the sad fate of being NAKED while the rest of you is obviously fully clothed. (Note: you are probably not this beautiful, nor will you ever be, as you are not Sinai the Great, and no one else in the world is nearly as beautiful as her.)

The Tayill Reen™ is a handy little ring that you slip onto your tail. (DUH!) All you have to do to prevent yourself from losing it is keep your tail sticking up in the air all day long and NEVER LET IT FALL TO THE GROUND, AS YOUR TAYILL REEN™ MIGHT JUST ROLL RIGHT OFF, AND YOU’D NEVER NOTICE UNTIL EVERYONE WAS LAUGHING AT YOU FOR HAVING A NAKED TAIL. That is very easy, though, and it is definitely worth tiring your tail muscles so that you do not have to walk around with a naked tail until you can find yours/buy a new one. (In case you are wondering, Sinai tried to make a no-slip Tayill Reen™, but the spikes that she inserted inside the ring ended up causing the test subject– who was not in any way related to Sinai, even distantly– some minor pain. Sinai did not want to cause her customers pain, no matter how minor, so therefore she pulled the ring. She did, however, let her test subject– who was still not even distantly related to Sinai– keep the ring if she wanted.)

The Tayill Reen™ also comes in a multitude of beautiful colors. For example, you can get it in the signature siPawlisshe color, Püpey™, or you can get it in a cool new color, which is called DharckPüpey™ (which is like Püpey™, only darker). The Tayill Reen™ even comes in some fun and peppy patterns– there’s stripes, dots, plaid, little Sinai heads, camo, gingham, paisley, check, scales, and more! (Patterns are available in both Püpey™ and DharckPüpey™ and in a unique color that is only available in patterns known as PhaydidPüpey™, which is like Püpey™, only faded.) Also, there are different finishes to the different colors (not included PhaydidPüpey™) if you don’t want a pattern, but you don’t want a plain color, either. You can get either of the two colors in sparkle, matte finish, textured, iridescent, or with Sinai’s fur in the ring (note: getting Sinai’s fur will cause the price to increase a little). But that’s not all! If you are the Divine Ruler of Everything, you can get The Tayill Reen™ in pink/purple/maroon/red/coral/orange/yellow/lime/green/turquoise/blue/indigo/24 karat gold/sterling silver (with or without patterns/special finish)! (If you are not, then you are not allowed to have fun somewhat more interesting and less barfy colors.)

3amazingcolors

Yes, these look slightly barfy. However, that does not mean that they are not also trendy. Just think of how great they would go with that booger hanging out of your nostril.

When you get The Tayill Reen™, you will feel suddenly lighter, as if you are no longer held down by the burden that your naked tail has been to your life. You haven’t noticed how heavy it is, since you have never lived without this boulder on your shoulders, or rather, your butt, but when you are suddenly relieved of it, you will be amazed at how great you feel. And who wouldn’t like to healthier and younger? Exactly!

toering

This is you after you get your Tayill Reen™. Notice how much happier you are. Also, you are positively radiant and crying tears of joy. What a lovely sight. (Note: This is not really you. This is actually Sinai the Great, in case you suddenly thought that you were close to as beautiful as Sinai is. No illusions of grandeur for you.)

Are you convinced yet? Call (123) LUV SISI to order your inexpensive Tayill Reen™ today! You won’t regret your purchase, I guarantee it! (Costs: $999.99 plain, $1999.99 pattern, $2599.99 special finish, $5999.99 Sinai’s fur special finish, $0 if you are the Divine Ruler of Everything.)

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Smelly Ground (Parody of Holy Ground by Taylor Swift)

farting soigne

Soigné has some very bad gas, as observed by Sinai in the following song.

I was being awesome just the other day
While having coffee not alone
But with this thing named Soigné
Whose nasty fart smelled like Beijing air
(And having a nose I obviously care)
It took off faster than a green light, go
Yeah, you get a clothespin once you already know
I ran away quickly and left my coffee behind
And that was the first time

And dear Me, it was bad
Never breathing again
And right there, where she sat
Was stinky ground.

Sputtering ’cause of all this awful gas, I had this big wide city all to escape
I block the smell of “Gross, P.U.!”
And for the first time, my nose I wanted to lose
And I guess it (finally) ended in the usual way
And the story’s got fart in every page
But sometimes I think I can still smell it now
And I smell that stench in every crowd

‘Cause dear Me, it was bad
Never breathing again
And right there, where she sat
Was smelly ground

Tonight I’m gonna breathe
For all the smells I’ve been through
But I don’t want to breathe
If Soigné’s fart comes with you
Tonight I’m gonna breathe
Like there’s no stench in the room
But I don’t want to breathe
If Soigné’s fart comes with you

It was bad
Never breathing again
And right there, where she sat
Was polluted ground

Tonight I’m gonna breathe
For all the smells I’ve been through
But I don’t want to breathe
If Soigné’s fart comes with you
Tonight I’m gonna breathe
Like there’s no stench in the room
But I don’t want to breathe
If Soigné’s fart comes with you

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Eight Pictures of Sinai the Great’s Exceptionally Attractive and Very Beautiful Mouth (Complete With Teeth) PLUS An Exclusive Opportunity to Have a Mouth Just Like Sinai’s

Who knew? Sinai has an exceptionally attractive and very beautiful mouth (complete with teeth) that is sure to make you faint the first time you see it! (Note: You will not faint because it is ugly. You will faint because it is so lovely, and you cannot believe that such a delicate and pretty thing could ever exist.)  But what does this beauty of a mouth look like, exactly? Well look no further because below are eight pictures of the very same mouth that probably haunts all of your happiest dreams. (If you do not recall dreaming about Sinai’s dreamy, dreamy mouth, do not fret. A lot of rats have troubles with remember what they dream about. It is very likely that you have dreamed about Sinai’s teeth before, but you just can’t remember the delightful experience, which is a pity because it was probably the best thing that will ever happen to you.)


Sinai 124

In this picture, you can clearly see Sinai’s beautiful teeth that everyone is jealous of and wishes to have. Sadly, they are not for sale. Although, if you are interested in having a mouth like Sinai’s, you should scroll down a little further.

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Here, you can see your favorite Divine Ruler of Everything posing with her mouth open. You can also see a vicious rat whose name we cannot say nor write (due to the curse that is set upon anyone who says it) in the purple plastic rat igloo in the background, but it is easier to ignore it.

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Sinai is very good at climbing cage bars, as you can see. She is also very good at having an attractive rat mouth.

Sinai 088

Here is a close-up on the best thing since Sinai was born. (After her beautiful dumbo ears, of course.)

Sinai 083

Sinai is clearly very good at posing with her mouth open. Either that, or someone is very good at timing pictures to catch Sinai at just the right moments. (It is more likely to be the first option, though.)

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She is also highly skilled in the area of climbing on cage bars and shaking her head back and forth. What a lovely sight. I am so envious of that wonderful rat mouth of hers.

Sinai 087

From this angle, you can also see a close up of Sinai’s mouth, and even her dainty nostrils! What an exciting sight to behold! (Not only that, but you can also gaze upon her delightful dumbo ears and her fantastic and very sensitive whiskers that you often dream about.)

Sinai 072Here is Sinai and her lovely mouth again. Unfortunately, her beautiful mouth that makes rats all around the world faint from the shock of being able to see it happens to be in the same picture as that very same rat whose name we could not mention earlier (or now). It is a tragedy, indeed, but Sinai does not mind it, as you can clearly see that she is fighting the evil nuisance whose name must remain unspoken. We can assume that she won the fight as she is a very skilled warrior who has not lost a single battle yet.


If you would like a mouth just like Sinai’s very own stunning beauty, you are in luck! Call (123) LUV SISI any time from now to the end of eternity to receive an exclusive discount on a new mouth that looks exactly like Sinai’s! (It is made out of a very weak plastic that will probably dissolve from all your saliva in a month, but it is worth dishing out the money because Sinai has a beautiful mouth, and you know you want a beautiful mouth too.) The mouth itself costs $999,999.99, and once you get your mouth, you must find a certified surgeon to install your new body part. (We suggest Dr. S. I. Naithegreat, but you can also use Dr. Ianis Izzadochter, or Dr. Tae R. Gehtianis. They are all approved to perform the procedure.) Depending on which doctor you end up using, the surgery may cost between 1-10 (billion) dollars. As you can see, this is a very cheap procedure to go through to get your new mouth.

taylorswiftratmouth“It feels like a perfect night to get a new mouth/And look so happy/Ah ah, ah ah/It feels like a perfect day for plastic surgery/To love my new mouth/Ah ah, ah ah.”

 See?! Even Taylor Swift wants a new mouth by Sinai.* And doesn’t she look so happy to have her brand new mouth? I think she does. If you want to be fashionable, believe me, a rat mouth is exactly what you want. Call (123) LUV SISI right now to get a mouth that looks just like your favorite Divine Ruler of Everything’s!

* Taylor Swift did not really get a rat mouth. But that does not mean that you shouldn’t get one! In fact, buy a couple so that all of your friends can have them too! They will really thank you.

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Seven Thoughts Sinai Would Not Think

What does Sinai think about? You will probably never know the answer to that question (as you are not Sinai), but you can know what Sinai wouldn’t think, which is almost as good as knowing what she does think. Here are seven thoughts that you’d never catch floating around in Sinai’s massive and very intelligent brain.

“White and black fur is better than black and white fur.”
Sinai would never think this because that would mean that she would be calling her sister, Soigné, more attractive than her own divine self, and that is a lie. Sinai is a very honest rat (she is more honest than Lincoln and Washington combined) and cannot tell a lie.

“White and black fur is the same as black and white fur.”
This is even worse than the previous thought because it is a known fact that beautiful black and white fur is not the same as disgusting white and black fur. It is a horrible crime to distort the truth even if only in one’s mind, and this is exactly what this thought is doing.

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Pictured above: A beautiful black and white rat (left) and a vile white and black white (right). You can clearly see how these different colors are exactly that– DIFFERENT.

“I am very stuck up and people only put up with me because my sister tells them to so.”
Sinai is not stuck up at all. In fact, she is very humble. And modest. And cute. And charming. And funny. And smart. And witty. And sweet. And lovable. And hilarious. And the envy of the town. And beautiful. And adorable. And stunning. And soft-furred. And popular. And intelligent. But mostly humble. Also, why would people not like her?

“Sometimes, I kind of overdoes when using adjectives and describing words and end up using fourteen when two would suffice.”
WHY, THIS IS POSTIVELY RIDICULOUS! It is also stupid, messed-up, a filthy lie, disgusting, poppycock, absurb, preposterous, unreasonable, outrageous, ludicrous, the work of Soigné, shocking, and insane thinking! Sinai never overdoes her adjectives.

“Meow.”
Sinai is not a cat, nor does she wish to be a cat, so naturally, she should not think cat sounds.

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This is a cat, also known as what Sinai is not.

“I under-appreciate my sister, Soigné and should try to be a better sistet in the future who values her more and puts her down less. Also, I should stop paying her such a bad salary and not force her to work as a servant at my royal palace.”
1.) Soigné CHOOSES to donate much of her very large salary to a charity that helps rats with names that begin with an S and rhyme with NaiNai, so that is Soigné’s choice. 2.) Sinai does not want to force Soigné to work, but Soigné was sentenced to life servitude at the palace of Sinai due to a very serious crime she committed (stealing an air particle from Sinai’s personal bubble). It was that or the death penalty. 3.) Soigné doesn’t have any value, so how can Sinai value her more?

“CELERITER LABORA ANCILLA!”
Sinai does not know Latin, so how can she think it? (Although, if she did know it, she’d be thinking and saying this all day long.)

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