Monthly Archives: July 2013

A Fabulous Story Written By Negev That You Will Most Definitely Love!

Negev has yet to name this story, but he has decided to exclusively release it to the readers of his dear friend, Sinai’s blog! This is the final draft, so if anyone has any good ideas about what to name the story, it would be lovely if he or she could comment them. Negev is really stumped about that and would appreciate any help. By the way, Negev has already got an agent and a private publishing house, so, sadly, he does not need all of you loving fans to help him on getting it published.


Chapter I: The Cute and Funny Rat

Once upon a time, there be a cute and funny rat named Negev. He be cute and very funny, also cute!

Chapter II: How Cute The Cute and Funny Rat Was

He be very cute and quite funny as well. He be bursting at seams from all his cuteness and funniness!

Chapter III: Were Other Rats Jealous of This Extraordinarily Cute and Funny Rat

VERY MUCH.

Chapter IV: What The Jealous Rats Did

They wicked ones sent cute and very funny rat evil letters about how he need his earwax removed and what good a laser hair removal would do for him. Also things about his “bad credit scores.”

Chapter V: What the Cute and Funny Rat Did To Those Evil Jealous Rats.

Them heads got chopped off.

~ THE END ~


Some grass and a tan and white rat sitting on it.

About The Author

Negev is a charming tan and white rat currently living in his magic cloud castle with his brother/servant, Mojave. He does not like his brother, but he finds him quite useful in doing household chores. Negev has a major in English from The Negev School of Grammar. If you liked his story, send lots of money, presents, money, food, bars of gold, money, and money to 1 Desert Rd., Rattus, Cage. (Please no clothing or healthy stuff.)

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How To Sit: As Written By Expert Sitter, Olivia Mewerly

I know it can be tough to sit. Sitting is so very, very hard. It is… quite challenging. I mean, you have to place your butt in a chair! That is so hard. Luckily, there are cats like me who are willing to teach less unfortunate cats/rats/people how to sit! I will even teach you how to sit in many different styles! Aren’t you lucky?! Don’t’ forget to thank me after you finish reading this informative article by sending me some delicious cat treats.

Method One: Sitting Like a Lady

Technically, I did not write this article. Some rat did. I forget what her name is. I think it is something like Sinner or something ’cause she is a very sinful rat. (She sneezes in my face all the time.) Anyways, here is a picture of me sitting like a lady.

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I look so good when I sit in this extremely proper way. Oh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh….

Method Two: Looking Like You Are About To Mark Your Territory

Simply lie on your stomach and lift up your tail so it sticks up in the air. This works best when your but is right next to something that you might want to mark as your own.

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Yes, I know that is a painting of me in the background. It might seem weird that I want to mark that, but it’s a painting of me, you know.

Method Three: The Criss-Cross

Curl up like you are going to go to sleep. (You can go to sleep when you sit like this, but make sure you do that after you cross your legs.) Take your front legs and cross them over your back ones to form a plus sign. Ta da!

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Look at me! I’m asleep, and I’m still doing the Criss Cross! I’m such a clever cat. : 3

Method Four: Keep Your Tail From Flying Away

Tails are very important parts of our bodies. Sometimes, they fly away in the wind, but you don’t want that to happen to your tail. Therefore, you must keep a careful paw on your tail at all times so that it does not detach itself from your spine.

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I know that I am inside in this picture, but you know, houses have drafts. I don’t want to lose my tail.

Method Five: The Fashionista

You will look like you really care about fashion if you fall asleep with your furbrush sitting on top of you. Basically, you place your furbrush on you when you are awake, and then you fall asleep. While you are asleep, make sure to not move, or else you might kick it off of you, and then that would be so sad, wouldn’t it?

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My furbrush matches my beach towel with fish on it. Did I mention that I am a clever cat?

Method Six: I’m Being An Armadillo

This is a simple one. You curl up like you are going to fall asleep and then tuck your head into your body so that the silhouette of your body is pretty much an oval/circle.

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I am so circular in this picture. The only problem is that my ear is sticking out. Maybe I should get it folded so it doesn’t do that. Or maybe not. I don’t want to look like one of those ridiculous Scottish Folds.

Method Seven: The Paw Crimp

You must place your paws in front of your body to do this sit. It is actually quite easy. You can sit as awkwardly as it goes as long as you crimp your paws. Look at the picture of me below for ideas on how to crimp them.

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Make sure it looks physically impossible. Also, I am a clever cat. Did I already say that?

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Sinai Hates It When Soigné Is In Her Way!!!

Sometimes, Sinai wants to take a nice photograph of herself so that she can hang it up and stare at herself all day long. However, she almost never gets to do that due to one certain annoying and cumbersome rat: Soigné, also known as the worst sister to ever exist. Soigné is always causing Sinai to not get her perfect picture. It is so annoying!


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Sinai is forced to shove her head underneath Soigné’s dirty neck that hasn’t been washed in years just to get herself in the picture. It was not something she ever wants to do again.

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Sinai wants to get her own picture, but stupid Soigné rudely butts in and obstructs a quarter of Sinai’s body, including her ever precious multi-colored tail. Just because you’re jealous doesn’t give you the right to be like that, Soigné!

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Finally, it appears that Sinai might get her own picture. Oh, wait, nevermind. Look who arrived! Ugh, Soigné, why do you have to squeeze yourself in there? All you’re doing is polluting the photograph with your annoying presence.

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An Interview With She Who Does Not Deserve To Be Interviewed

Today, Sinai was feeling quite interview-ish. Following her urges, she decided to do an interview. However, there was no one fun to interview around. Negev was up somewhere disciplining his brother, and Ianis was busy telling rats that she was not Sinai. That left her only one option for who to interview, and that was She Who Does Not Deserve To Be Interviewed., who is a terrible rat for interviewing. When you finish reading this, you will completely understand why Sinai would have preferred to not have to interview She Who Does Not Deserve To Be Interviewed.


Sinai the Great: Hello… Siognè, I think? Isn’t that how you spell your name?

She Who Does Not Deserve To Be Interviewed: No.

STG: Yeah, whatever. Tell me all of your deepest secrets.

SWDNDTBI: Why would I do that?

STG: Because I am only the greatest and most wonderful rat to ever grace this universe! Also, I believe I am remotely related to you, and therefore, we are family. Because we are family, you tell me all of your deepest secrets.

SWDNDTBI: Fine. But first you tell me all of your deepest secrets, sister.

STG: Eww! No way! Just because I’m related to your disgusting filthiness doesn’t mean I have to tell you all of my secrets. However, you do, Siognè.

SWDNDTBI: …Why would that rule apply to me and not you?

STG: Because I say so. Now, tell me your secrets.

SWDNDTBI: No.

STG: Alright, if you’re not going to tell me all of your deepest secrets, you have two options. One, be exiled to a deserted island in the middle of the ocean where you will never be able to contact your friends and family (except for me) again, or, two, be put under the guardianship of my atrocious sister, Soigné, who will make you wish that you were on a deserted island. Which do you choose?

SWDNDTBI: You do realize that I am your “atrocious sister” Soigné?

STG: No you’re not. You’re Siognè, also known as She Who Does Not Deserve To Be Interviewed. Although, you do act and look remarkably like that rat whose name I would prefer not to mention.

SWDNDTBI: No, I’m your sister.

STG: How many times do I have to say this? You’re only remotely related to me. That means that you can’t be my sister. You’re either my first cousin, twice removed, or you’re my granduncle.

SWDNDTBI: How could I be your granduncle? I’m a lady, and I’m not even that old!

STG: You are not female, and most certainly not a lady. You are unisex. Also, you are actually quite old. You just used a lot of Botox to cover up your saggy wrinkles. You don’t remember because you are suffering from mild Alzheimer’s.

SWDNDTBI: No I am not. I know my body more than you do.

STG: I am all knowing. You are not.

SWDNDTBI: But you are not me.

STG: Why would I want to be you?

SWDNDTBI: I never said that you would want to be me.

STG: Yes you did, O Terrible Liar Named Siognè.

SWDNDTBI: That is not my name! Stop calling me that!

STG: Please stop throwing a hissy fit, or I will be forced to call the police on you.

SWDNDTBI: I am not throwing a hissy fit! I am simply telling the truth!

STG: Alas, it appears that you will not relent. I am calling the police right now. Please do not break any of my furniture. It is quite expensive, and brand-new.

SWDNDTBI: No it isn’t! You got this stuff from Ikea years ago!

STG: La la la, I can’t hear you. Oh, hello officer!

Police Officer (on the phone): Hello, what is your problem, sir?

STG: Um, excuse me! I am a lady! Not a sir!

PO (OTP): Sorry, sir… I mean, ma’am. Can you please tell me what your problem is, sir… ma’am.

STG: Yes, officer. You see, this horrid rodent named Siognè has been throwing a terrible hissy fit for the last hour–

SWDNDTBI: I am not throwing a hissy fit!

STG: Yes you are. Anyhow, officer, this disgusting rat has been causing me to become agitated and is very distracting. I have asked her to stop, but she just insists that she isn’t throwing a hissy fit and continues being distracting. If you could kindly take her to jail, where she can’t distract me, that would greatly please me.

PO (OTP): I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t arrest a rat just for throwing a hissy fit. It’s not in the law books.

STG: Yes you can.

PO (OTP): I can’t just disobey the law… I’m part of the law enforcement force, do you realize that, sir?

STG: Ma’am. Believe me, officer, it is not against the law to arrest a rat for throwing a hissy fit, especially when its name is Siognè.

PO (OTP): …Since when?

STG: Two minutes ago.

PO (OTP): Hold on a second. How do you know what laws are passed within a couple minutes.

STG: I know everything.

SWDNDTBI: No you don’t! I’m not throwing a hissy fit!

PO (OTP): Um, who is that in the background? And you can’t really know everything. That is impossible.

STG: No one. And it is not. I am the smartest rat to ever walk this universe.

PO (OTP): Who do you think you are? Sinai the Great? She’s so conceited and stuck-up; why would you want to be her?!

STG: What is your name, officer?

PO (OTP): …Signe Naivings… why do you ask?

STG: Okay, first of all, your first name is not on The List: Names Citizens of the Sinai Empire May Name Their Children. Neither is your last name. And Sinai is not conceited or stuck-up. She is a very humble and modest rat.

PO (OTP): Who actually obeys those lists? And the only rat who believes that she is humble is Sinai herself.

STG: What is your address, cell phone, home phone, email, Pawbook, Squeaker, Instarat, credit card number, date of birth, and social security?

PO (OTP): Why do you need to know this?

STG: Just tell me it all.

SWDNDTBI: Don’t do it, officer!

PO (OTP): Who are you, anyways.

STG: A very humble rat. Now tell me all of your personal information. Also, fax me your driver’s license.

PO (OTP): Okay, this is just really creepy. I am not arresting whoever that rat who was throwing a hissy fit was, and I am most certainly not telling you all of my sensitive information. [hangs up]

STG: Oh, well, I can still get her arrested. I’ll just arrest all of the Signe Naivings that are living under the Empire!

SWDNDTBI: You don’t have that authority. The real government only lets you get away with thinking that you run the place because they think that you are mentally insane and do not want you to go mad and burn down all of the federal buildings.

STG: Shut up, Siognè.

The next day, eleven rats named Signe Naivings were given life sentences for “disrespecting the boss.” Sadly, the police officer lied about her name on the phone, which meant that she got away, while eleven innocent rats were left to spend the rest of their lives in jail cells. Also, a completely unrelated rat whose true name was kept hidden (but was called Siog publicly) was dragged to a local mental asylum where she was given her own private room padded with pillows that had Sinai the Great’s divine face embroidered on them.

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Olivia Models The Next Big Fashion Fad: CAT CAPS

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Cat caps are quite fashionable and stylish. They come in multiple sizes. The one above is XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL, in case you were wondering. (In Fuzzie Bawttim Orinjish Pinkish Orinj™)

Watch out, hip hop shirts, there’s a new fashion trend in town.

What is this new, amazing, trendy item? It’s a cap… for your cat!

Cat caps are very comfortable and good for both warm and cool very cold weather. They are knit hats that you just plop onto your cat’s head. Cat caps are kind of hard to keep on the feline’s head, but who cares when your cat can look so cute?

Cat caps are part of Sinai Blight’s SinaiByootie INC. fashion line. You can also buy siPawlisshe™, Tayill Reens™, SinaiSüts™, and fur dye with your cat caps! Cat caps come in many, many colors. Buy all of them in case you find out that your cat hates a certain color!

THE MANY COLORS YOU CAN BUY CAT CAPS IN! Modeled by Oliveeyah Wutevirhernaimiz

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Lait Bloo™

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Stil Lait Butt Nawt Soh Lait Bloo™

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Oliveeyahz Fer™

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Oliveeyahz i’z™

Aren’t they cute? If you want to buy a cat cap, please call (123) LUV SISI and tell the operator the details: what color, what size (all of the caps above are XS, but you can also get XL, and XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL). Depending on what type of cat you order, the price will range from $99 to $999,999. Cash only.

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Sinai Helps You With the Most Challenging Task That You Will Ever Find Yourself Doing: HOW TO EAT FOOD, AN EASY GUIDE TO SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETING CHALLENGING TASKS BY SINAI BLIGHT

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Thanks to Sinai, Soigné now knows how to eat, which is quite helpful, as she would not want to starve to death, now would she?!

HOW TO EAT: AS WRITTEN BY SINAI THE GREAT

 

Step 1: Acquire food, preferably candy or something that actually tastes good.

Step 2: Hold said food

Step 2b: (Optional) Throw away food if it looks too healthy. Then get another piece of food that is nutritionally dry.

Step 3: (This is a very challenging step!) Take control of your mouth and open it.

Step 4: (This is harder than the previous step!) Insert your food into your mouth cavity. You can use your paws, or you can levitate it in.

Step 5: (This is the hardest step yet!) Bite down– that is, close your mouth– on your food.

Step 6: (Don’t feel too bad if you cannot do this at first. This is quite the challenging task.) Repeat STEP 5 with the food still in your mouth.

Step 7: While doing the extremely challenging STEP 6, swallow the food that you bite into. You have to move your muscles that the food will go down your throat. You will also swallow this slimy stuff. It is called “SAH LIGH VUH”, or something along that spelling. I have heard people also call it “SPITTE.” Don’t worry, this is completely natural.

Step 8: Lick your lips to emphasize the fact that you just ate some food.

 

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THE LIST: Names Citizens of the Sinai Empire May Name Their Children

For new parents, there is a very tough choice to make: what to name your baby. Should you name it George, Alexander, or maybe Louis? (How about all of them?) Luckily, for all of you sad parents (that live in the Sinai Empire) that can’t choose a name, Sinai has a couple suggestions! You have to choose from the list of suggestions that Sinai provides (or your baby will be confiscated, renamed “Soigné No. [Insert Number]”, and forced to grow up with the other Soigné No. X’s under the guardianship of the original Soigné). This goes for both first and muddle names.

THE LIST

GIRL NAMES

1.) Sinai
2.) Sinaia
3.) Sina
4.) Siney
5.) Nailey
6.) Sinaiette
7.) Nailise/Nailyse
8.) Naina
9.) Sinailise/Sinailyse
10.) Sinaibelle
11.) Nailotte
12.) Nailotta
13.) Silisa
14.) Sinya
15.) Naianna
16.) Naia
17.) Siley
18.) Silia
19.) Nailuette
20.) Senai
21.) Si
22.) Nai
23.) Sinola
24.) Sinarra
25.) Sinoia
26.) Naitë
27.) Sinane
28.) Sinanne
29.) Naianne

BOY NAMES

1.) Negev
2.) Gevvev
3.) Gevington
4.) Geverson
5.) Gevvings
6.) Negeves
7.) Gevius
8.) Nevvy
9.) Nevings
10.) Gevrick
11.) Gevert
12.) Gevbert
13.) Negevian
14.) Gevian
15.) Negevo
16.) Negevson
17.) Negevio
18.) Gevvus
19.) Gevvio
20.) Gevgev
21.) Gevver
22.) O’ Gevvy
23.) Neveg
24.) Gevits
25.) Negeville
26.) Nevry
27.) Gevitch
28.) Gevs
29.) Nevdin

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Sinai is Having a Fun Time With Her New Best Friend! (According to Sinai, At Least)

If you have been keeping up with Sinai the Great (AKA YOUR FAVORITE RAT), you will have noticed that she has a new best friend who also happens to be her sister. Now, you may be wondering what Sinai and Soigné do, what with them being besties. Luckily, you will not have to wonder any more. Here are some pictures of the two friends doing what friends do: being friends.


SINAI AND HER NEW BEST FRIEND HAVING FUN: THE PICTURES

• ♥ • ♥ • ♥ •

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Here is Sinai and Soigné posing for the camera. Sadly, Soigné does not know how to pose properly, which is why she is inside Sinai’s bubble. Sinai does not really mind because that is what best friends do, you know– get in their friend’s space. Still, Sinai is thankful for her quick reflexes.

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Sinai was just relaxing when Soigné interfered by inserting her knife-like snout in Sinai’s nether regions. Sinai says that she doesn’t mind because best friends keep no secrets.

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Side view of previous picture. You can see that Sinai must hang onto the bars of the cage for support, but that’s good because that helps Sinai exercise. Exercising is good, because it allows Sinai to play more with her buddy.

004This is Soigné grooming Sinai.

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Sinai had fun getting groomed, and fortunately for her, Soigné still wanted to hang out with her. Even though the two are resting here, Soigné is showing her affection by placing her tail that is sadly not multi-colored (but she can’t help that) on top of Sinai. Awwww!

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Here, Soigné is pointing her snout up. This is obviously proof of her loving intentions because she is pointing her snout up. And pointing snouts up is great because they point up. If someone points his or her snout up, it is a clear sign that said rat wants to snuggle with you in your sleep.

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This is a shot of Soigné’s mouth with her teeth visible. As you can see, Soigné has very healthy teeth. Having friends who care about their dental health is good because it means that they don’t have halitosis.

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This is obviously a picture of Soigné sitting on Sinai to keep her warm. Soigné probably learned this love-showing tip from her I-Want-To-Be-A-Good-Friend Anonymous community group.


P.S. If you think that this post somewhat resembles Proof That Soigné is Trying to Murder Sinai? (According to Sinai, At Least), then you are out of your mind. This post doesn’t share any pictures or themes with that one! Go get your brain checked.

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SINAI’S NEW BEST FRIEND! *** BREAKING NEWS *** (The Book of Sinai Entry #4)

best friend

Who knew?! Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything (AKA YOUR FAVORITE RAT EVER) has a new best friend!

Sinai has always been a good friend. She was best friends with King Negev, Boss of You, Ruler of the World, and Master of the Universe, for a very long time. However, she just recently (as in sixty minutes ago) discovered who she calls “the rat I never noticed until now.” Now that she has found this rat, she is super ecstatic. She can’t wait to hang out with her new bestie and do all the things that bff’s do that she wasn’t able to do with Negev (because he is dead). She is also very surprised at herself for not noticing the wonderful rodent until just an hour ago.

So who is this new best friend of Sinai’s? Is it some fan or hers, or a friend who she just never hung out with? She’s neither. Hold onto your socks (if you have any on), because you’ll never believe who Sinai’s new best friend is. Below is a picture of she who is now Sinai’s best friend.

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Yes, that is right. SOIGNÉ is Sinai’s new best friend. Who would have thought?! As I cannot personally explain Sinai’s change of mind (I still can’t believe it), I will leave it to Sinai’s diary to explain it. (Click to view full size.)

soignebestfriend

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