Hi! I’m Soigné, the sister of Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything! I am definitely not Sinai pretending to be Soigné! Why would
I she ever want to do that? I can’t honestly imagine why you would want to be like me (as in Soigné, not Sinai who, let me repeat, I am not), but, as you are still reading this I assume you actually do. (?!) Anyhow, read on to learn how to be a total schlemiel just like me! Oh, how exciting!
You have probably, at one point in your life, wanted to be someone other than yourself. Examples of rats who you probably have wanted to be would include Sinai the Great, Sinai Blight, or the Divine Ruler of Everything. However, there are many other rats who can want to be, even if you are not exactly sure why you’d want to be them. Soigné Blight is a very good example of such rats. She is annoying, pesky, a pain in the multi-colored tail, annoying, annoying, annoying, greasy, annoying, grimy, disgusting, annoying, dirty, nasty, gross, not soigné, annoying, annoying, annoying, annoying, irritating, annoying, and annoying– but for some reason, rats want to be like her. Who knew?
If you are suddenly wanting to be like Soigné for some strange reason, then you are in luck! Sinai has typed up this lovely and rather helpful guide just for you! Reading it will help you to achieve your crazy goal of being like Soigné (who is a terrible role model, BY THE WAY).
How To Be a Terrible Rat Just Like Soigné!
Before you continue, please ask yourself if you really want to be like Soigné. If you are not 100% sure, then you should not continue. If you are 100% sure that you really do want to be like Soigné, then you should probably go see your doctor.
Step 1. Roll around in a vat full of grease. It is important to be very greasy when you are imitating Soigné because she prides herself in the terrible condition of her straw-like fur.
Step 2. Dye your fur a disgusting shade of white and black (!! NOT BLACK AND WHITE !!). Be very careful not to get black and white, because that is not Soigné’s fur color.
Step 3. Adapt to have a nasally accent (or one that sounds like you have a nose full of boogers).
Step 4. Roll around in some more grease.
Step 5. Get a cute, funny, adorable, likeable, sweet, charming, delightful, soigné, black and white, beautiful, attractive, and kindly rat to be the Sinai to your Soigné. Bonus points if you are related to said rat.
Step 6. Reject baths, showers, cleanliness, and hygiene in general. If you are to be Soigné, you must be absolutely filthy!
Step 7. Read Soigné’s autobiography (I Am Not A Terrible Rat! by S. T. A. Blight) so you can think more like this disgrace to society.
Step 8. Thoroughly coat yourself with even more grease.
Step 9. Give up because no one can ever be as disgusting as Soigné is. And don’t forget to go to your doctor to have your brain checked!