It is so hard to be a cute rat! You probably wouldn’t know (because you are not a cute rat), but honestly, life is hard when you are a cute rat. Here are some of the problems that cute rats suffer.
Pictured: A cute rat (the one in the front, not the ugly lump in the back)
Sometimes, Sinai reads magazines. And sometimes, when Sinai reads magazines, she sees pictures of obese model rats who are prime examples of gluttony. Whenever Sinai sees these pictures, she feels ashamed of herself for not being excessively and unhealthily fat like the model rats. Then she goes on a week of binge eating, only to the result of gaining one meagre pound after the seven days pass. After that, Sinai just doesn’t feel motivated to cookies made with pure trans fat into her mouth, so she ends up losing that pound she worked so hard to gain… a tragic loss.
Anyhow, Sinai always felt sad about how skinny she was compared to the delightfully chubby models and celebrities she always sees around. But then she discovered this very odd relation between the camera angle and how jiggly whoever is in the picture looks…
Look at this cat model shot from a low angle. It looks so fat and roly poly, which makes me jealous of it. And look at that cool expression it is making! AGH! WHY CAN’T I MAKE THAT EXPRESSION?! I HATE YOU MODEL.
Wow, that’s amazing! Here is a picture of the same cat from an above angle, and it looks so not fat and roly poly anymore! And instead of having a cool expression, it just looks grumpy. Okay model, I like you now.
Cast of Characters
Amazing Sweet Charming Rodent Who You All Love! ♥ – Negev
Clouds – Sinai’s Belly
Negev’s Drink – The Green Stuff that We Found On The Cheese This Morning
Who Must Be Killed For Its Crimes Against the King – Some Guy We Pulled Off the Street
Sun Whose Ears Continually Get Larger – Sinai
To Be Continued Rat – Also Sinai
Ugly Waste of Space – Mojave
Ugly Waste of Space’s Broom Bristles – Soigné
Olivia has always thought that she was the only one of her kind. She has only met annoying rats and somewhat okay humans, but just recently she finally met a fellow cat. Curiously, the cat who she met happened to look just like her. It also was very good at staying still and not breathing.
Olivia wonders who this strange, shiny, oddly proportioned, chunky, and overly smiley small cat could possibly be.
Obviously not someone good.
What does the number 111213 make you think of? I know you aren’t thinking of anything silly like, say… a calendar date. Why would you ever think of a calendar date for goodness sakes? It’s not like today is 11/12/13! In fact, it is November 12, 2013. Write it out, you lazy chumps! But I know you are thinking of something. Of course, you are probably not thinking of the right thing.
What are you supposed to be thinking of? That’s easy. You are supposed to be thinking of Sinai’s weight in tons!
What is it, you ask? 111,213, obviously!
Pictured: Sinai’s big belly gets her stuck for the sixth time today.
I hear you want to talk like your dear idol, Sinai the Great. At first, it may seem hard to sound like this dear rodent child, but it is actually not that hard. All you have to do is read this helpful guide and follow along like the
obedient brain-washed minion loving wannabe Sinai you are.
1. You gots have bad grammar!
Grammar is horrible. It has absolutely no use in this world. In fact, it might even be worse than Soigné… and that’s not a comparison made lightly. Say no to grammar and yes to Sinai by disrespecting common grammar rules in your speech!
“Grammar be horriblest! No use has it in world of this! Fact, might it is worse then Soigné which not be light made comparison. To grammar say no yes to Sinai and disrespecting common grammar rules on speech!”
– Example Rat
2. Spel bhad o-ckay?
This part is really not noticeable in speech, but when you write stuff down, it really improves your writing. Since you probably are not able to spell many words of more than three syllables (possibly less, depending on your education), this won’t be too hard. Just make sure to turn off spell-check; that thing is the progeny of Soigné.
“Thiss partt iz reley naut notisabull in speach, bhut wen yu rite stuph daun, itt reley impruves yore riting. Sinss yu prabublee r naut abull tu spel menny werdz uv moar then 3 sillabullz (posiblie less, dependeen on yore edyukashun), thiss woent bea tu hard. Jussed mayk shor tu tern off spel-chek; thatt theen iz the projiny ov Swanyay.”
– Eggzampill Rhat
3. R@nd0mly r3pl@ce letter$ w1th num83rs/$ymbo!s
By randomly replacing letters with numbers and symbols, you are effectively making your text harder to read, which is good.
We couldn’t make anything too easy for you subordinate pawns, after all.
“8y r@nd0mly r3pl@c1ng l3tter$ w1th num83r$ & $ymbo!s, y0u @re 3ffect1vely ma&1ng y0ur t3xt h@rder t0 read, wh1ch !$ 90od. N0th!ng h3re.”
– Ex@mpl3 Ra+
4. Insert, like, lots of, um, annoying, uh…, filler words.
You want to cause great anger and frustration to anyone who is listening to you talking, right? So slip a couple (read: several) filler words into your speech, and you will make their eardrums bleed! Words to consider using: like, um, uh, eh, hm, you know, ah, er, literally, actually
“You, like, want to, uh, cause, um, great anger and, er, frustration to anyone who actually is, like, listening to you, uh, talking, right. So, like, slip a couple (read:several) filler words in, like, your speech, and you, uh, will make their, um, eardrums bleed! Literally! Words to consider, um, using: like, um, uh, eh, hm, you know, ah, er, literally, actually (aka: MY FAVORITE WORDS!)”
– Like, Example Rat
It can be very lonely when one is the only one of a species in a ten mile radius. There are many ways with this sad feeling; Olivia has obviously chosen the not-so-good way.
Olivia : Meow meow meow
Olivia : Miya miya miya
Olivia : Miau miau miau
Olivia : Miaow miaow miaow
Olivia : Miaau miaau miaau
Olivia : Meu meu meu
Olivia : Miaou miaou miaou
Olivia : Miao miao miao
Olivia : Myuk myuk myuk
Olivia : Meaow meaow meaow
Olivia : Mao mao mao
Olivia : Miauw miauw miauw
Olivia : Ngeong ngeong ngeong
Olivia : Miav miav miav
Olivia : Myah myah myah
Olivia : Myau myau myau
Olivia : Mjau mjau mjau
Olivia : Meo meo meo
Olivia : Näu näu näu
Olivia : Miyauv miyauv miyauv
Olivia : Miaw miaw miaw
Olivia : Mew mew mew
Olivia : Mjá mjá mjá
Olivia : Naiou naiou naiou
Olivia : Mijau mijau mijau
Olivia : Miyau miyau miyau