Monthly Archives: November 2013

Cute Rat Problems

It is so hard to be a cute rat! You probably wouldn’t know (because you are not a cute rat), but honestly, life is hard when you are a cute rat. Here are some of the problems that cute rats suffer.


Pictured: A cute rat (the one in the front, not the ugly lump in the back)


  1. Shopping takes forever because strangers always stop to pet you.
  2. Everyone is jealous of you.
  3. All of your friends are uglier than you.
  4. You have to eat a lot to keep up the chubby belly.
  5. You become deaf because of all your screaming fans.
  6. It is impossible to complain to others about how ugly you are (because you aren’t).
  7. In art class, everyone wants to paint you, and you can’t get your painting done.
  8. Picking clothing is impossible because it all makes you look not as cute.
  9. It is tiring to be so cute!
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How Soigné Could Possibly Cause The End of the World As We Know It


Do you see the ugly white lump whose tail is being touched by the amazing Sinai the Great? DO YOU? Well, if you do, do you think that this ugly white lump whose name is Soigné is harmless? Guess what– it ISN’T! This horribly ugly white lump of fur could possibly cause the end of the world as we know it. That is definitely not harmless. I bet you are wondering how the ugly white lump could end the world. Here’s how…

Soigné the ugly white lump decides she wants to eat a cookie even though she is not hungry.

Soigné the ugly white lump steals her sister’s car to go to the grocery store and get a cookie.

As Soigné backs out of the driveway, she holds up a rat who was bringing ice cream to the local community food cupboard.

The ice cream of the rat who was held up by Soigné the ugly white lump melts.

The rat who was bringing ice cream to the local community food cupboard arrives at his destination with flavored sugary teeth-rotting liquid instead of ice cream.

The community food cupboard does not get ice cream.

The little children rats who were waiting for a special ice cream treat from the local community food cupboard do not get their special treat.

The parent of one of the little children rats gets angry because his daughter did not get her ice cream which she had so desperately wanted.

The parent of the little child girl rat contacts the community food cupboard and learns who did not deliver the ice cream on time. He also receives the address of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time.

The parent of the little child girl rat goes to the house of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time.

The parent of the little child girl rat yells at the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time.

The neighbor of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time hears the parent of the little child girl rat yelling with a harsh voice at the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time and thinks the two rats are fighting with guns.

The neighbor of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time calls the police.

The police drive to the house of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time.

The police arrive and see the parent of the little child girl rat apologising at the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time for yelling at him.

On the other side of town, a rat robs a cookie warehouse, but is not arrested because the police are all at the house of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time.

The rat who robbed the cookie warehouse is able to get back to her stolen car safely.

The rat who robbed the cookie warehouse drives away with the cookies.

The rat who robbed the cookie warehouse is too busy eating cookies and is distracted from the road.

The rat who robbed the cookie warehouse ends up crashing into the car of a genius rat.

The genius rat is seriously injured because of the crash.

The rat who robbed the cookie warehouse sees how injured the genius rat is and drives away into the night.

The genius rat, who was unconscious, is not able to see who crashed her car.

When the genius rat is saved by some paramedics, she cannot tell them who caused her to crash.

The paramedics are not able to tell the police who crashed the genius rat because she did not see the rat.

The police are not able to tell the judge who crashed the genius rat because the paramedics do not know.

The judge cannot solve the case of the genius rat.

The genius rat gets no justice.

The genius rat is mad.

The genius rat funnels her anger towards her nurses while she is in the hospital.

None of the nurses then want to tend to the genius rat.

The genius rat gets even more angry.

When the genius rat leaves the hospital, she starts developing a new weapon that causes spontaneous combustion of anything that is shot at.

The genius rat goes to the hospital, intending to shoot all of the nurses who abandoned her, but loses heart and discards the weapon.

The weapon is left in a dumpster.

A dumpster diver sees the weapon and is curious.

The dumpster diver takes the weapon.

The dumpster diver accidentally shoots the weapon… at the hospital.

The hospital immediately spontaneously combusts.

A sick rat is in an ambulance being rushed to the hospital comes to nothing.

The sick rat is not able to receive treatment.

The sick rat, who was going to reverse global warming if he had lived, dies.

The planet’s climate gets worse instead of better.

Antarctica and the Arctic melt because of the higher temperature.

Rats try to reverse the fad, but cannot because the sick rat has died, and only he held the knowledge to save the world.

Global warming gets even worse.

All the snow melts, causing ocean levels to rise to ridiculous heights.

Many of the major cities in the world are buried underwater.

Inhabitants of those cities move to higher ground.

Populations become denser.

Food production slows because farmland has been lost.

Rats starve because there is no food.

Desperate times cause rats who think they have the solution to global warming to propose ideas which only end up speeding the warming up.

Earth eventually becomes so overheated that rats are no longer able to survive due to a loss of land and food.


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The Difference An Angle Makes

Sometimes, Sinai reads magazines. And sometimes, when Sinai reads magazines, she sees pictures of obese model rats who are prime examples of gluttony. Whenever Sinai sees these pictures, she feels ashamed of herself for not being excessively and unhealthily fat like the model rats. Then she goes on a week of binge eating, only to the result of gaining one meagre pound after the seven days pass. After that, Sinai just doesn’t feel motivated to cookies made with pure trans fat into her mouth, so she ends up losing that pound she worked so hard to gain… a tragic loss.

Anyhow, Sinai always felt sad about how skinny she was compared to the delightfully chubby models and celebrities she always sees around. But then she discovered this very odd relation between the camera angle and how jiggly whoever is in the picture looks…


Look at this cat model shot from a low angle. It looks so fat and roly poly, which makes me jealous of it. And look at that cool expression it is making! AGH! WHY CAN’T I MAKE THAT EXPRESSION?! I HATE YOU MODEL.


Wow, that’s amazing! Here is a picture of the same cat from an above angle, and it looks so not fat and roly poly anymore! And instead of having a cool expression, it just looks grumpy. Okay model, I like you now.

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The Reason Why Negev Hates Penguins

Cast of Characters

Amazing Sweet Charming Rodent Who You All Love! ♥ – Negev
Clouds – Sinai’s Belly
Negev’s Drink – The Green Stuff that We Found On The Cheese This Morning
Penguin Who Must Be Killed For Its Crimes Against the King – Some Guy We Pulled Off the Street
Sun Whose Ears Continually Get Larger – Sinai
To Be Continued Rat – Also Sinai
Ugly Waste of Space – Mojave
Ugly Waste of Space’s Broom Bristles – Soigné

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Olivia Meets Miniature Ceramic Olivia!

Olivia has always thought that she was the only one of her kind. She has only met annoying rats and somewhat okay humans, but just recently she finally met a fellow cat. Curiously, the cat who she met happened to look just like her. It also was very good at staying still and not breathing.


Olivia wonders who this strange, shiny, oddly proportioned, chunky, and overly smiley small cat could possibly be.


Obviously not someone good.

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What does 111213 make you think of?

What does the number 111213 make you think of? I know you aren’t thinking of anything silly like, say… a calendar date. Why would you ever think of a calendar date for goodness sakes? It’s not like today is 11/12/13! In fact, it is November 12, 2013. Write it out, you lazy chumps! But I know you are thinking of something. Of course, you are probably not thinking of the right thing.

What are you supposed to be thinking of? That’s easy. You are supposed to be thinking of Sinai’s weight in tons!

What is it, you ask? 111,213, obviously!


Pictured: Sinai’s big belly gets her stuck for the sixth time today.

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H0w tu, like, SP3kk liek Sinai the Grate!!!!!11!!!!!!1!!11!1!!!!!!!!!!!111!!

I hear you want to talk like your dear idol, Sinai the Great. At first, it may seem hard to sound like this dear rodent child, but it is actually not that hard. All you have to do is read this helpful guide and follow along like the obedient brain-washed minion loving wannabe Sinai  you are.

1. You gots have bad grammar!
Grammar is horrible. It has absolutely no use in this world. In fact, it might even be worse than Soigné… and that’s not a comparison made lightly. Say no to grammar and yes to Sinai by disrespecting common grammar rules in your speech!

“Grammar be horriblest! No use has it in world of this! Fact, might it is worse then Soigné which not be light made comparison. To grammar say no yes to Sinai and disrespecting common grammar rules on speech!”

Example Rat

2. Spel bhad o-ckay?
This part is really not noticeable in speech, but when you write stuff down, it really improves your writing. Since you probably are not able to spell many words of more than three syllables (possibly less, depending on your education), this won’t be too hard. Just make sure to turn off spell-check; that thing is the progeny of Soigné.

“Thiss partt iz reley naut notisabull in speach, bhut wen yu rite stuph daun, itt reley impruves yore riting. Sinss yu prabublee r naut abull tu spel menny werdz uv moar then 3 sillabullz (posiblie less, dependeen on yore edyukashun), thiss woent bea tu hard. Jussed mayk shor tu tern off spel-chek; thatt theen iz the projiny ov Swanyay.”

Eggzampill Rhat

3. R@nd0mly r3pl@ce letter$ w1th num83rs/$ymbo!s
By randomly replacing letters with numbers and symbols, you are effectively making your text harder to read, which is good. We couldn’t make anything too easy for you subordinate pawns, after all.

“8y r@nd0mly r3pl@c1ng l3tter$ w1th num83r$ & $ymbo!s, y0u @re 3ffect1vely ma&1ng y0ur t3xt h@rder t0 read, wh1ch !$ 90od. N0th!ng h3re.”

Ex@mpl3 Ra+

4. Insert, like, lots of, um, annoying, uh…, filler words.
You want to cause great anger and frustration to anyone who is listening to you talking, right? So slip a couple (read: several) filler words into your speech, and you will make their eardrums bleed! Words to consider using: like, um, uh, eh, hm, you know, ah, er, literally, actually

“You, like, want to, uh, cause, um, great anger and, er, frustration to anyone who actually is, like, listening to you, uh, talking, right. So, like, slip a couple (read:several) filler words in, like, your speech, and you, uh, will make their, um, eardrums bleed! Literally! Words to consider, um, using: like, um, uh, eh, hm, you know, ah, er, literally, actually (aka: MY FAVORITE WORDS!)”

Like, Example Rat

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Olivia Talks to Herself


It can be very lonely when one is the only one of a species in a ten mile radius. There are many ways with this sad feeling; Olivia has obviously chosen the not-so-good way.

Olivia : Meow meow meow
Olivia : Miya miya miya
Olivia : Miau miau miau
Olivia : Miaow miaow miaow
Olivia : Miaau miaau miaau
Olivia : Meu meu meu
Olivia : Miaou miaou miaou
Olivia : Miao miao miao
Olivia : Myuk myuk myuk
Olivia : Meaow meaow meaow
Olivia : Mao mao mao
Olivia : Miauw miauw miauw
Olivia : Ngeong ngeong ngeong
Olivia : Miav miav miav
Olivia : Myah myah myah
Olivia : Myau myau myau
Olivia : Mjau mjau mjau
Olivia : Meo meo meo
Olivia : Näu näu näu
Olivia : Miyauv miyauv miyauv
Olivia : Miaw miaw miaw
Olivia : Mew mew mew
Olivia : Mjá mjá mjá
Olivia : Naiou naiou naiou
Olivia : Mijau mijau mijau
Olivia : Miyau miyau miyau

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