Category Archives: Articles

A Conversation between Hodge and his Tail

Hodge : Who is the most adorable cat in the world?

Hodge’s tail : How am I supposed to know, I don’t have any eyes!

Hodge : I am!

Hodge’s tail : You are such an egotist.

Hodge : I love you, HODGE

Hodge’s tail : Seriously, stop that. It’s kind of freaky.

Hodge : You are the best and cutest cat ever.

Hodge’s tail : I think I am going to leave now.

Hodge : OW WHAT IS PULLING AT MY RUMP?!

Hodge’s tail : Oops i forgot I’m permanently attached to you.

Hodge : Who is adorable? I am!

Hodge’s tail : Here he goes again.

Hodge : Oh, look it’s my brother! Hello, Podge!

Podge : Oh no don’t tell me you’re talking to your tail again?

Hodge : My tail? Don’t be silly, I’m complimenting myself.

Podge : You are such an egotist!

Hodge’s tail : I know, right?

Podge’s tail : [twitches]

Hodge : WHAT WAS THAT

Podge’s tail[twitches]

Podge : No, no! Stop twitching!

Hodge : How entrancing, I must play with that twitching furry item!

Podge : Stop, stop!!!!

Hodge[starts biting Podge’s tail]

Podge’s tail : Help, the devil is after me!

Hodge : Yum yum yum

Hodge’s tail : I am feeling neglected. [twitches]

Hodge : Wow, what’s that?!

Podge : It’s your tail.

Hodge : Don’t be ridiculous, my tail doesn’t twitch that deliciously! [starts biting his own tail]

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Who Loves Cat Carriers? Hodge Does.

hodge in cat carrier

The perfect way to spend a lovely afternoon.

Hodge has been told before that cat carriers are the making of the Bad Dog Deep in the Ground, but he can’t seem to understand why. He has one himself, and he has found that he rather likes it. Not only is it lined with a towel (in a shade of green that nicely complements his eyes), it also has floor-to-ceiling windows and a skylight! Plus, it is just the right size so that he can sit in it, but Podge can’t. (Which is nice, as Podge does not smell very good.)

hodge plays in cat carrier

WHAT IS THIS LONG FURRY THING WAVING IN THE AIR? I MUST PLAY WITH IT… WHILE REMAINING INSIDE OF MY CAT CARRIER!

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Sinai’s New Years Resolutions!

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Me know that me is already the most wonderful rat to ever live, but how can me become even better?

Sinai is 99% the perfect rat. She’s attractive, nice, witty, cute, generous, loving, lovable, funny, humorous, intelligent, smart, pretty, kind, likeable, friendly, jiggly, chumpy, chubalicious, splendid, delicious, scrumptious, beautiful, good, great, selfless, wonderful, trustworthy, respectful, fantastic, chubby, interesting, fascinating, sinailicious, choopy, fabulous, fantabulous, incredible, a genius, brave, remarkable, lovely, knowledgeable, well-organized, creative, responsible, internationally beloved, peaceful, hard-working, fat,  confident, honest, and humble. However, she is still not perfect! Sinai thinks that with her resolutions for 2014, she will become 100% perfect.

Sinai’s Resolutions

  1. Me need money. Me make a lot of money (as in a couple trillion dollars) next year! It no matter how the money comes into my possession.
  2. Me should be more rude to Soigné so that she become more obedient and responding to my commands.
  3. Me really no like going to gym. Me will call up a demolition team and get them to demolish the gym! Then me no have to go!
  4. Me will convince all of the doubters that me really is a very humble rat! Me no know why they no believe me!
  5. Me will spray my nasty sister, Soigné, with lots of perfume so that she stops smelling like nasty latex.*
  6. Me not a very happy rat. Me will secretly record videos of Soigné doing embarrassing things and watch these videos in my free time to make me laugh.
  7. Me has wasted a lot of my time this year, so me will wake up one minute earlier than my normal time next year. Then me have lower wasted time to productive time ratio!
  8. Me gained twenty pounds this year . . . that is not enough! Me will gain fifty pounds in 2014!
  9. Yup, otherwise, me pretty much flawless.

* this is a true fact, Soigné actually does smell like latex.

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Hodge and Podge Interview Each Other

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Hodge: Hello, Podge, I am going to be interviewing you today.
Podge: Um, no I am interviewing you!
Hodge: No, I’m interviewing you.
Podge: Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m interviewing you.
Hodge: The name of the post is “Hodge and Podge Interview Each Other!” My name is first, so it’s me interviewing you!
Podge: No, we’re supposed to interview each other . . . that means that I’m interviewing you!
Hodge: So you admit that I am interviewing you?
Podge: No!
Hodge: Yes you do!
Podge: No, I said I was interviewing you! Not you were interviewing me!
Hodge: But you said we were interviewing each other. That means I’m interviewing you.
Podge: No, I’m interviewing you.
Hodge: I am not being interviewed.
Podge: Yes you are. I’m doing it right now.
Hodge: Stop interviewing me! I’m interviewing you!
Podge: No you’re not!
Hodge: Yes I am!
Podge: No!
Hodge: Yes!
Podge: No!
Hodge: Yes!
Podge: No!
Hodge: Yes!
Anonymous Bystander: Oooooh, a catfight!
Hodge: Shut up!
Podge: Don’t use that word!
Anonymous Bystander: Is it . . . your pet peeve? HAHAHAHA!!!!
Hodge: AGH!
Podge: You make me–
Anonymous Bystander: Make you want to claw your eyes out? Hahaha!
Hodge: Now why would I ever do that? I only want to claw your eyes out!
Podge: No, I get to claw his eyes out!
Hodge: But I claimed it first!
Podge: Well I came up with the idea first!
Hodge: No you didn’t; I did.
Podge: Uh uh.
Hodge: Uh huh.
Podge: Nuh uh.
Hodge: I am not lying!
Podge: Yes you are.
Hodge: No, you are.
Podge: No I’m not. You are.
Hodge: You’re the one who’s lying.
Podge: I did not lie!
Hodge: Yes you did.
Podge: No I didn’t.

Hodge and Podge continued arguing for seven more hours, much to the amusement of the Anonymous Bystander.

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Hodge Podge

Note: Sorry about not posting. Last week was production week for the play I was in, so I didn’t have time to update the website. : ( I will try to be more consistent now.


Recently, Olivia discovered something extraordinarily amazing and life changing: she is not the only cat in the world!

Up until that moment, Olivia had thought herself the last of her species. But that is apparently not so, as two very large grey tabby kittens walked into her life only yesterday.

At first, Olivia was confused. How can it be that I am not the only pointy-eared, pointy-toothed, furry-tailed, purring being in this world? she asked herself. Also, why are my look-a-likes printed in black and white and not in full colour?

But then the very large grey tabby kittens introduced themselves, and Olivia understood: she was not the only cat, she had just been stolen away from the other cats when she was a young kitten! Either that, or she had simply forgotten all the other cats she had once known. Probably the latter.

And now let us meet Olivia’s newest cat acquaintances…

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Hodge is half of the pair of very large grey tabby kittens that Olivia met yesterday. He likes to purr loudly twenty-three hours of the day and sits on his tail the other hour. During his free-time, he sings soprano for his local community cat singers group. His favorite toy is anything that dangles from the air, including his brother’s tail.

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Podge is the other half of the pair of very large grey tabby kittens. He likes sitting underneath beds and ambush unsuspecting passerby and using pieces of kitty litter as toys. Sometimes he even checks himself out in the mirror, that is how attractive he thinks he is!

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Cute Rat Problems

It is so hard to be a cute rat! You probably wouldn’t know (because you are not a cute rat), but honestly, life is hard when you are a cute rat. Here are some of the problems that cute rats suffer.

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Pictured: A cute rat (the one in the front, not the ugly lump in the back)


CUTE RAT PROBLEMS

  1. Shopping takes forever because strangers always stop to pet you.
  2. Everyone is jealous of you.
  3. All of your friends are uglier than you.
  4. You have to eat a lot to keep up the chubby belly.
  5. You become deaf because of all your screaming fans.
  6. It is impossible to complain to others about how ugly you are (because you aren’t).
  7. In art class, everyone wants to paint you, and you can’t get your painting done.
  8. Picking clothing is impossible because it all makes you look not as cute.
  9. It is tiring to be so cute!
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How Soigné Could Possibly Cause The End of the World As We Know It

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Do you see the ugly white lump whose tail is being touched by the amazing Sinai the Great? DO YOU? Well, if you do, do you think that this ugly white lump whose name is Soigné is harmless? Guess what– it ISN’T! This horribly ugly white lump of fur could possibly cause the end of the world as we know it. That is definitely not harmless. I bet you are wondering how the ugly white lump could end the world. Here’s how…


Soigné the ugly white lump decides she wants to eat a cookie even though she is not hungry.

Soigné the ugly white lump steals her sister’s car to go to the grocery store and get a cookie.

As Soigné backs out of the driveway, she holds up a rat who was bringing ice cream to the local community food cupboard.

The ice cream of the rat who was held up by Soigné the ugly white lump melts.

The rat who was bringing ice cream to the local community food cupboard arrives at his destination with flavored sugary teeth-rotting liquid instead of ice cream.

The community food cupboard does not get ice cream.

The little children rats who were waiting for a special ice cream treat from the local community food cupboard do not get their special treat.

The parent of one of the little children rats gets angry because his daughter did not get her ice cream which she had so desperately wanted.

The parent of the little child girl rat contacts the community food cupboard and learns who did not deliver the ice cream on time. He also receives the address of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time.

The parent of the little child girl rat goes to the house of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time.

The parent of the little child girl rat yells at the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time.

The neighbor of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time hears the parent of the little child girl rat yelling with a harsh voice at the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time and thinks the two rats are fighting with guns.

The neighbor of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time calls the police.

The police drive to the house of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time.

The police arrive and see the parent of the little child girl rat apologising at the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time for yelling at him.

On the other side of town, a rat robs a cookie warehouse, but is not arrested because the police are all at the house of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time.

The rat who robbed the cookie warehouse is able to get back to her stolen car safely.

The rat who robbed the cookie warehouse drives away with the cookies.

The rat who robbed the cookie warehouse is too busy eating cookies and is distracted from the road.

The rat who robbed the cookie warehouse ends up crashing into the car of a genius rat.

The genius rat is seriously injured because of the crash.

The rat who robbed the cookie warehouse sees how injured the genius rat is and drives away into the night.

The genius rat, who was unconscious, is not able to see who crashed her car.

When the genius rat is saved by some paramedics, she cannot tell them who caused her to crash.

The paramedics are not able to tell the police who crashed the genius rat because she did not see the rat.

The police are not able to tell the judge who crashed the genius rat because the paramedics do not know.

The judge cannot solve the case of the genius rat.

The genius rat gets no justice.

The genius rat is mad.

The genius rat funnels her anger towards her nurses while she is in the hospital.

None of the nurses then want to tend to the genius rat.

The genius rat gets even more angry.

When the genius rat leaves the hospital, she starts developing a new weapon that causes spontaneous combustion of anything that is shot at.

The genius rat goes to the hospital, intending to shoot all of the nurses who abandoned her, but loses heart and discards the weapon.

The weapon is left in a dumpster.

A dumpster diver sees the weapon and is curious.

The dumpster diver takes the weapon.

The dumpster diver accidentally shoots the weapon… at the hospital.

The hospital immediately spontaneously combusts.

A sick rat is in an ambulance being rushed to the hospital comes to nothing.

The sick rat is not able to receive treatment.

The sick rat, who was going to reverse global warming if he had lived, dies.

The planet’s climate gets worse instead of better.

Antarctica and the Arctic melt because of the higher temperature.

Rats try to reverse the fad, but cannot because the sick rat has died, and only he held the knowledge to save the world.

Global warming gets even worse.

All the snow melts, causing ocean levels to rise to ridiculous heights.

Many of the major cities in the world are buried underwater.

Inhabitants of those cities move to higher ground.

Populations become denser.

Food production slows because farmland has been lost.

Rats starve because there is no food.

Desperate times cause rats who think they have the solution to global warming to propose ideas which only end up speeding the warming up.

Earth eventually becomes so overheated that rats are no longer able to survive due to a loss of land and food.

ALL BECAUSE OF ONE UGLY WHITE LUMP OF FUR NAMED SOIGNÉ.

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The Difference An Angle Makes

Sometimes, Sinai reads magazines. And sometimes, when Sinai reads magazines, she sees pictures of obese model rats who are prime examples of gluttony. Whenever Sinai sees these pictures, she feels ashamed of herself for not being excessively and unhealthily fat like the model rats. Then she goes on a week of binge eating, only to the result of gaining one meagre pound after the seven days pass. After that, Sinai just doesn’t feel motivated to cookies made with pure trans fat into her mouth, so she ends up losing that pound she worked so hard to gain… a tragic loss.

Anyhow, Sinai always felt sad about how skinny she was compared to the delightfully chubby models and celebrities she always sees around. But then she discovered this very odd relation between the camera angle and how jiggly whoever is in the picture looks…

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Look at this cat model shot from a low angle. It looks so fat and roly poly, which makes me jealous of it. And look at that cool expression it is making! AGH! WHY CAN’T I MAKE THAT EXPRESSION?! I HATE YOU MODEL.

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Wow, that’s amazing! Here is a picture of the same cat from an above angle, and it looks so not fat and roly poly anymore! And instead of having a cool expression, it just looks grumpy. Okay model, I like you now.

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What does 111213 make you think of?

What does the number 111213 make you think of? I know you aren’t thinking of anything silly like, say… a calendar date. Why would you ever think of a calendar date for goodness sakes? It’s not like today is 11/12/13! In fact, it is November 12, 2013. Write it out, you lazy chumps! But I know you are thinking of something. Of course, you are probably not thinking of the right thing.

What are you supposed to be thinking of? That’s easy. You are supposed to be thinking of Sinai’s weight in tons!

What is it, you ask? 111,213, obviously!

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Pictured: Sinai’s big belly gets her stuck for the sixth time today.

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