Category Archives: Ask Sinai

Ask Sinai #12

Dear Sinai,

I am having trouble wondering why I should ask you for advice. Everyone I know says you are a huge phony who thinks she is the queen of an imaginary kingdom. Could you please give me reassurance for your advice-giving abilities?

– Doubtful Reader

 

Dear Doubtful,

All of these snobs are lying! My kingdom isn’t imaginary (just ask Soigne, my all purpose servant rat). Also, I’m not the queen. I’m the Divine Ruler of Everything, which means I am all powerful and would like to know the names of these liars so I may execute them. If you’re wondering why you haven’t ever heard of my title, it’s because it’s only awarded to the most humble rats who won’t brag about it. I am a very modest rat, as you very well know, so of course I was the first choice.

– SINAI THE GREAT

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Ask Sinai #11: Sinai’s Fan Mail!!!

As you may know, Sinai is an internationally beloved rat. Being so internationally beloved, Sinai naturally receives much fan mail. Reading so much fan mail can get quite tiring. (Sometimes, Sinai has to stay up until six to read her fan mail… and she wakes up at 6:30!)

However, there are some fan letters that wake Sinai up when she reads them. Of the millions of letters she has received, these are the ones she has remembered… and here they are!

P.S. These are genuine. The rats who wrote these letters are real, not, oh, you know, fake ones that Sinai has made up.


Dear Sinai

I love you very much! You are my most favorite rat! I love you so very much! I send to you lots of kisses and hugs and love in general. I love you very much! You are a wonderful rat. You are so great! I love you! Your ugly sister is not deserving of you! I love you!

Love,
Siney Sisi XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

P.S. I love you


Hi Sinai!

You are the best! I feel so lucky to have you as my divine ruler of everything. You are a wonderful rat. I named my children after you so that they can have a positive role model in life. I even got my husband to change his name to Sinaio because it is such a lovely name, especially compared to his old one (Swanyayo). I tried to change my name to Sinaia, but my mother won’t let me. Won’t you please write my mother and try to convince her to let me change my name?

Your #1 Fan,

Sinaiaa Dagreatus


Dearest Sinai,

I wrote a poem for you, that is how much I love you.

There once was a rat named Sinai
She was wonderful and perfect and great-ai
I love her
Everyone loves her
She is the bestest rat ever-ai!!!!!

Love from,

Lalalalalailovesinailalalalala Dadadadadadadireallyloveherdadadada


Hello Sinai,

It is I, your horrid and unworthy sister. Yes, I know you do not like me. Believe me, I understand you for feeling that way. I just want to say that I apologise for being such an awful sibling and a disappointment to the family name. I would really like to say I’m sorry for that time last week I breathed in your presence. It was disrespectful of me to do so. I have been practicing feeling emotions so that I will not do that again. I am not very good at feeling, though, so I hope that you will accept my efforts. Also, I have sent you one million gold bars, ten billion bags of yogies, three small continents, $5,000,000,000 in cash, and a giftcard to the local bakery to try and make up for all the times I have been a bad sister.

Yours,

Siognè, yoor sister

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Ask Sinai #10

Dear Sinai,

My daughter spends too much time procrastinating on your site! She is going to have a big algebra test tomorrow, and she has not studied at all! I have tried turning off the internet (she just uses her 4G connection on her phone), stealing her computer (she uses mine), and even locking her in a closet with nothing but her study notes (she hacked the door to pieces and ran off to her computer). How can I get her to study? Her grades are already near failing thanks to your website, and if she does bad on this test, she will definitely fail.

– Sinai’s The Onlycauseformydaughter’s Procrastination

Dear S.T.O.P.,

You are a horrible mother! I can’t believe that you’d do such horrible things to your daughter! You need to learn that children may not want to learn what you want them to learn. I bet your daughter is planning on becoming one of my faithful servants when she grows up. She certainly doesn’t need science (not sure what algebra is exactly) for that job! Embrace your daughter’s desires and let her spend all her time on my site. Believe me, this site is actually quite educational. Your daughter will learn a lot while she is on here and will definitely not be wasting her time.

– Sinai

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Ask Sinai #9

Dear Sinai,
You are an okay rat. I mean, you are a nice rat, but you are pretty average. I am also a very average rat. I am not exceptionally smart, funny, or talented. I was wondering how you somehow managed to become a very successful rat despite your averageness. I do not think I am destined to be big and famous like you, but I do want to live a successful life. Can you give me tips?

– Plain Old Ordinary Priscilla Bucket

Dear P.O.O.P Bucket,
Let me establish one fact before I continue: I AM NOT AN AVERAGE RAT. I am an extraordinarly witty, cute, funny, funny, smart, funny, kind, funny, adorable, attractive, funny, beautiful, exceptional, stellar, outstanding, kind, cute, hilarious, funny, funny, soigné, remarkable, poetic, funny, intelligent, kind, funny, divine, funny, graceful, gracious, funny, lovable, funny, wonderful, magical, wonderful, funny, attractive, charming, delightful, kind, funny, delightful, humble, and non-repetitive rat. I am in no way average. I don’t know what would ever make you think that that awful word could ever describe the Divine Ruler of Everything. Obviously, you are mentally diseased. I recommend you find a qualified doctor to help you find a cure (if any) to your mental illness. I believe Dr. S. I. Naithegreat, my dearest doctor friend, would be very good at helping you. She can be contacted by calling (123) LUV SISI. Now, onto your question. As you are mentally ill, I do not believe you would be able to understand any answers if I wrote them, so therefore I will not bother. Besides, insulting the most important rat alive pretty much ruins any chances you have of a successful life. I have friends in higher places than you (but lower than me).

– Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything

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Ask Sinai #8: An Interview With an Internationally Beloved Rat Who Everyone Loves and Admires

Sinai Blight: Hi there! I’m Sinai Blight, here tonight with an interview with none other than the internationally beloved rat who everyone loves and admires, Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything! We are very privileged, blessed, grateful, and lucky to have this awesome rat here tonight. So, Sinai, how goes it?

Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything: I’m feeling very sinailicious today, Sinai! I am so pleased to be here. I really like your fur color. What is it?

SB: It’s a classic, black and white. I absolutely love it. It is so much more stylish and attractive than that gruesome white and black that so many rats accidentally wear when they’re really going for black and white.

STGDROE: I agree. My sister, Soigné, has white and black fur. It is atrocious and makes my eyes bleed each time I look at it for more than nine seconds. I can understand why rats mistake it for black and white, though. They think that the order of words doesn’t matter when it comes to color names when, really, it is of the utmost importance.

SB: Quite true. For example, everyone knows that red-orange and orange-red get different crayons, so why shouldn’t black and white and white and black be different?

STGDROE: Exactly! I’ve always thought the same!

SB: it’s almost like we had the same brain! [does a chuck-o] However, we can’t share the same face! Yours is stunning. I wish I had it.

STGDROE: Why, thank you, Sinai! I do enjoy my face. [does a chuck-o as well] Yours is pretty nice for a rat who isn’t me. It looks a lot like that of my dear friend, Ianis Th’glib.

SB: Thank you! Ianis has a lovely face. It kind of looks like yours, only it’s not yours, so it just isn’t the same. You know, some rats think that is Ianis is just you pretending to be another rat to look more popular! What do you think of that, O Noble One?

STGDROE: It’s poppycock, I say. Why would I ever do that? So what if her name backwards happens to be mine? So what if we haven’t ever been seen publicly in the same room? So what if she looks a lot like me? So what if her voice is as soothing as mine is? So what if her birthday is 9/5 and mine is 5/9? She and I are completely different individuals. I really wish rats would stop spreading that rumor around. I love Ianis, but I am not her. As Paula Deen would say, “I is what I is”… and she be what she be.

SB: I completely believe you. The only reason I asked you that is because my cruel indentured servant rodent, Soigné, threatened to stop working for me if I did not mention it. Luckily, she did not force me to fake-believe it.

STGDROE: Yes. If there is anyone out there who has never had a cruel indentured servant rodent blackmail them, why don’t you just pick up that large pebble and throw it so hard so that it causes my evil indentured servant rodent (coincidentally also named Soigné, it must be a common name) to become an amnesiac and forget all about wanting to be a vicious indentured servant rodent? [breaks down in practiced fake tears]

SB: I would, but I am not sure my aim is very good, and besides, I have had a cruel indentured servant rodent blackmail me. Although, I do wish you luck. And, it is strange that both of our indentured servant rodents are named Soigné. We certainly aren’t the same rat, so they couldn’t be the same Soigné… unless she had a second job?

STGDROE: That’s ridiculous. Mine can hardly do her first. I think that Soigné has just become the default name for malicious indentured servant rodents due to the fact that I am very popular, and therefore, rats know about my wicked indentured servant rodent and want to acknowledge their love for me by naming their own rotten indentured servant rodents after me. My name, however, is too precious to waste on a vile indentured servant rodent, so obviously, everyone has chosen to use my lowly sister’s name. I do not blame them.

SB: How interesting. Say, how is your sister doing? Is she warming up to working for you?

STGDROE: Sadly, no. Which is unfortunate, as her twenty-year anniversary of being my indentured servant rodent is approaching. In fact, she has taken to, instead of tidying, ruining my rooms. I appointed some rat off the street to watch her and make sure she doesn’t steal anything while I’m here, but he only would watch her for a little time. Oh! Looks like I’m going to leave now. I don’t want her to start trashing the entertainment wing.

SB: I understand. Well, goodbye for then.

STGDROE: Goodbye. You really are a nice rat. You could almost be me.

SB: Yes, but I’m obviously not! [does a litt-o chuck-o] Goodbye, Sinai Blight.

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Ask Sinai #7 – Special Edition: Ask Soigné

Ask Sinai a question in the comments section below. She might even be gracious enough to use some of her extremely precious celestial time to type an answer out to your question!


Dear Soigné,

I am writing to you because I hear you are an expert on being an annoying sister, and I want to benefit from your vast knowledge and experience on this subject. Here is the problem: I have annoying sister somewhat like you. She is very ugly, what with her pale butt/torso complexion and over-tanned head (it is so tanned that it is literally black). I am a very powerful rat who has no time for doing house chores, so I have employed her to take care of my business and basically be my maid/butler/cook/all-purpose servant. I even pay her quite a large amount of money for her work (much more than she would get from other employers), but she either wastes much of it on frivolous things (like toothpaste, toilet paper, and electricity) or she donates it to a charity for charming and attractive rats with names beginning with S and rhyming with NaiNai who need a little help with the necessities, like power, dental hygiene, and having something to wipe themselves with. The truth is, even though she has quite a substancial income (thanks to me), she squanders it all (although it is nice that she donates to a charity organization) and is left with a little over minimum wage, and she blames me for it. Not only this, but she is not very good at her job. Her toast is too crispy, she left a streak mark on my bottom-of-first-floor-to-ceilling-of-fifth-floor window wall, and she takes up too much space in my tiny five story sophisticated hut with a mere square footage of twenty thousand feet. As she has not responded to my kindness, I have decided that the only way to get rid of her bad habits but keep her (because I am a loving sister) is to be annoying back to her. Have you any ideas on how to be the most irritating sibling ever (second only to you, naturally)?

Soigné, I Need An Insighfulthoughtonthis

Dear S. I. N. A. I.,

You sound very much like my sister. If you could kindly write back with proof that you are not her, then I would be quite pleased to help you. Until then, if you are my sister, I just want you to know that I am not helping you to be more annoying especially since I’d have to deal with it.

Soigné

Dear Soigné,

What ever makes you think I am your sister? I am too humble to be that lovely and very attractive, kind, charming, witty, intelligent, smart, lovable, pretty, beautiful, funny, remarkable, grand, and humble rat. Here is a picture of me for proof.

image

As you can see, I am not Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything (also known as your sister), but I would not mind if I was.

Sinai Is Not the Author (Iakamyself)

Dear S. I. N. A. (I.),

That’s a picture of me. Sorry, but I am definitely not helping you, even if you are not Sinai.

Soigné

Dear Soigné,

Young lady, answer me now, or I shall lower your salary that you already complain so much about.

Still I’m Not An Innocentrat(akanotsinai)inyoureyes

Dear S. I. N. A. I.,

You can’t do that. It’s already minimum wage. Any lower is against the law.

Soigné

Dear Soigné,

I AM THE DIVINE RULER OF EVERYTHING! I WILL LOWER MINIMUM WAGE IF I MUST TO TRAIN YOU INTO OBEDIENCE!

I am not Sinai you doubting and untrusting rodent unworthy of my letters

Dear Sinai,

Just gave yourself away. #jokesonyou

Soigné

Undear Soigné,

I just passed a law making minimum wage 50¢ a year. #whosgotthelastlaughnow

I am not your sister!

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Ask Sinai #6

Dear Sinai,
    I do not know what my name is. I am pretty sure that I have one, but I don’t remember what it is. I can’t ask friends or family because I have none (I am a hermit living in the middle of Canada), and I don’t know how to read (which means whatever my birth certificate says will make no sense to me). I don’t think I’ve lost my memory because I remember other things. What can I do to retrieve my lost name?

?

Dear Question Mark,
    Please sign your letter with a name. I do not answe questions from anonymous sources.

Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything

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Ask Sinai #5

Dear sinaI,

    sumTimes I was haved trubble Xpressing maiself 0nlin3 ok I no that i m not a vry gud speller. it dont Used to Be So Bad! but then idk wut happened, It Got Worse. now mY fr1ndz r hating on me & actuaLLy i dont h@ve any fr1ndz anymore :( Mai inability to Xpress myself online was Mildly Annoying but nao I kant even do it rite IRL. D: wut kan I do??!!! i’ve tried a c0unselor n it Didn’t Work. i have Tried practIcing riteing liek a N0rmal Person, butt it just aint in me !! ;_; i rly want 2 have fr1ndz Nao so pleese help me ! i kant live with the Knowledge That I Could Have Fr1ndz But I Am Unanble To Have Them. thnx i rly wanna be a gooder persun

I Have Trubble Xpressing Maiself

Dear Trubble,
I am sorry. I cannot read your letter. It is not even close to normal English (what is with all the numbers and random capitalization of random letters?!), and that’s the only language I can read. Well, I can also read Rodent. But you definitely did not write in Rodent. You wrote in what I would call “Bad English”, and, as a sophisticated rat, I am unable to process what you are trying to express. Did you even run this through spell check? It looks like you didn’t. Or maybe your spell check is screwed up. I would have someone look at it, if I were you (thankfully, I am not). Also, for your information, I am not a grammar teacher. From what I did get from your feeble attempt at a letter, you want me to help you write like a normal person (I want you to learn that, too!), and I am not certified to teach such subjects. To be honest, you could have sent that to anyone other than me, and they’d probably be more of a help than I could ever be. So, sorry to not answer your question, but I CAN’T HELP YOU WITH YOUR POOR ENGLISH SKILLS!! Thank you, and good-bye.

Sinai the Great

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Ask Sinai #4

Dear Sinai,
    I am having a little problem with who I am. I know who I am, but no one believes me when I say that I am my own individual self. They all think that I am another rat pretending to be me, and that I’m not even real. I am a real rat, but everyone says that I’m just a phony making up a rat so she sounds popular. That’s not true, but no one believes me! How can I make them see the truth?

I Am Not Inother Somebody

Dear I.A.N.I.S.,
Of course you aren’t another rat pretending to be someone one else! I believe you. Sadly, however, most rats will never accept that you are your own individual rat, so it is a useless cause to continue fighting. I would find a nice rat who believes you are your own self to be friends with, and I would stay out of the public eye. If you have rats who love and believe you in your life, it won’t matter what other rats think of you. I hope this helps!

Sinai the Great

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