Podge never did understand why all of the other cats drank out of the big hole.
Podge never did understand why all of the other cats drank out of the big hole.
I hear you want to talk like your dear idol, Sinai the Great. At first, it may seem hard to sound like this dear rodent child, but it is actually not that hard. All you have to do is read this helpful guide and follow along like the
obedient brain-washed minion loving wannabe Sinai you are.
1. You gots have bad grammar!
Grammar is horrible. It has absolutely no use in this world. In fact, it might even be worse than Soigné… and that’s not a comparison made lightly. Say no to grammar and yes to Sinai by disrespecting common grammar rules in your speech!
“Grammar be horriblest! No use has it in world of this! Fact, might it is worse then Soigné which not be light made comparison. To grammar say no yes to Sinai and disrespecting common grammar rules on speech!”
– Example Rat
2. Spel bhad o-ckay?
This part is really not noticeable in speech, but when you write stuff down, it really improves your writing. Since you probably are not able to spell many words of more than three syllables (possibly less, depending on your education), this won’t be too hard. Just make sure to turn off spell-check; that thing is the progeny of Soigné.
“Thiss partt iz reley naut notisabull in speach, bhut wen yu rite stuph daun, itt reley impruves yore riting. Sinss yu prabublee r naut abull tu spel menny werdz uv moar then 3 sillabullz (posiblie less, dependeen on yore edyukashun), thiss woent bea tu hard. Jussed mayk shor tu tern off spel-chek; thatt theen iz the projiny ov Swanyay.”
– Eggzampill Rhat
3. R@nd0mly r3pl@ce letter$ w1th num83rs/$ymbo!s
By randomly replacing letters with numbers and symbols, you are effectively making your text harder to read, which is good.
We couldn’t make anything too easy for you subordinate pawns, after all.
“8y r@nd0mly r3pl@c1ng l3tter$ w1th num83r$ & $ymbo!s, y0u @re 3ffect1vely ma&1ng y0ur t3xt h@rder t0 read, wh1ch !$ 90od. N0th!ng h3re.”
– Ex@mpl3 Ra+
4. Insert, like, lots of, um, annoying, uh…, filler words.
You want to cause great anger and frustration to anyone who is listening to you talking, right? So slip a couple (read: several) filler words into your speech, and you will make their eardrums bleed! Words to consider using: like, um, uh, eh, hm, you know, ah, er, literally, actually
“You, like, want to, uh, cause, um, great anger and, er, frustration to anyone who actually is, like, listening to you, uh, talking, right. So, like, slip a couple (read:several) filler words in, like, your speech, and you, uh, will make their, um, eardrums bleed! Literally! Words to consider, um, using: like, um, uh, eh, hm, you know, ah, er, literally, actually (aka: MY FAVORITE WORDS!)”
– Like, Example Rat
Hello, large hairless beings! I, Olivia Mewerly, am here today to teach you how to photoshop your pictures properly– that is, how to make them look totally fake! This is a very important skill to have. With it, you can successfully produce before-and-after pictures of “dramatic transformations” without even having to use two models! You can make all of your online friends secretly laugh at you behind your back. You can even embarrass your parents when you show them the pictures and they realize that your future boss has probably already seen them on the internet. Really, making fake-looking photos is an essential skill in today’s day and age. Luckily, you will know how to do this by the time you finish reading my lovely article. So keep reading, you funny looking creatures!
This is a picture of me. It is very natural looking, which is not good at all! Follow along as I turn this horrible mess of a picture into one I can be “proud” of!
First, I got rid of the Target bag on the left. It distracted from my beautiful face. That was an easy fix. I simply selected my brush tool, and I picked a color that somewhat resembled the color of the surrounding areas. After that, I drew over the bag, and it magically disappeared!
Next, my eyes were not nearly green enough, which just cannot happen. It is disgraceful. Using the hue/saturation tool, I changed these dull greyish-green eyes of mine into a lovely, highly saturated (and fake-looking) green-blue color.
Okay, so I still had a couple problems with my eyes. My pupils were not nearly black enough, and as you may have noticed, my eyelashes were not noticeable, even though I spent hours working on my mascara so that they might have had a chance to show up for once. To fix these problems, I took my brush again and, using black, colored in my pupils and drew in my eyelashes. I also kind of added a little highlight on my eyes so that they looked more shiny, which I like.
The next problem is obvious: the wall color doesn’t complement my fur nicely enough! Using the hue/saturation tool again, I adjusted the walls so that they were blue, making my fur contrast and stick out (in a good way).
I didn’t really like how that looked because I looked too indoorsy. I wanted to look like a nature lover, which is a really good trait apparently, so I cut myself out of that background and pasted myself in front of some flowers. (By the way, I only moved my head because the rest of me looked odd.)
Next, I put a picture of some rat on my head so I could look like I had friends in that picture. (Actually, from what I heard, the rat who I put on my head is actually a crummy friend, but who cares? I only put her up there to look nice.) Also, I wanted this picture to look somewhat realistic, so I drew a fake shadow under the crummy rat friend by using the brush tool on a low opacity. And voila, the picture is finished.
I hope I helped you today by teaching you how to fake-ify your photos. None of my friends seem to appreciate my skills in this department, for some strange reason, but they’re totally missing out. Luckily, you won’t be. Now go fake-ify some pictures!
Me. I am not annoying at all, despite what Negev says about me.
Hello, there. It is Mojave. I know that my brother and his best friend, Sinai the Whatever Something-something Blight, have probably spread rumors about me and my good friend, Soigné being extremely annoying pains-in-the-tails. However, that is not true. If anyone is an annoying pain-in-the-tail, it has to be either Negev or Sinai. Their extremely distorted perspectives on life (example: Negev believing he is the king of the world) have caused them to act like crazy psychos, which they are, actually. Sometimes, Negev will steal my money because he believes it to be “me chucka-chucka right yo uggy brother.” And occasionally, Sinai will try to blackmail me into joining her fan club, which she believes is quite large, when in reality, the only members are her, Negev, her mother, and rats who she blackmails into joining.
Anyhow, I came here to write about how to be like me. It is really easy, actually.
Step 1.) Acquire a crazy psycho for a sibling.
Step 2.) Act like you normally do.
Step 3.) Wait for said crazy psycho to begin seeing you as the crazy psycho.
And that’s all there is to it! Yeah, so, if you really do want to lead a life like mine (you don’t), there it was.
p.s. I didn’t make up the title for this post.
Now, it can be quite challenging to pull off the “angelic innocent pet” look, but once you master it, it is quite rewarding. Not only can you fool your owner into believing that whoever made the piddle puddle underneath the sofa, it sure wasn’t the adorable cat child who looks like she was sent from the divine world (aka you) but you also look squeal-worthy cute and could become rich and famous for looking cute.
Step 1. Accept that puppy eyes are no longer acceptable. If you are a puppy, these are just your natural eyes, and nobody cares about your normal facial expression. If you are not a puppy, you look stupid trying to make your face resemble one. Either way, puppy eyes are not effective.
Step 2. Find your inner innocence and channel it. If you have none, then just pretend you do. Humans can’t tell the difference once you are cute enough.
Step 3. Gently tilt your head to the side of your choice and up. Also, be sure to gaze up at the ceiling because, duh, that is what angels do! This effect is even better if you sit on something tall and against a glowing background or at least something lighter than your fur color. If you can spontaneously generate feathery wings, that’s great too.
Congratulations! You now look like an angel. Have fun decieving your humans and making the other cats who are not nearly as talented as you take the blame.
Cliph Jumpeen™ is a very fun and brand new sport that I, King Negev, Boss of You, Ruler of the World, and Master of the Universe, recently invented. It is a bit hard to understand at first, so follow along very carefully, and you will know how to have fun doing the brand new sport called Cliph Jumpeen™!
Step Wun! Obtain fun cliff! You want a good cliff. It should drop off into a pit where you cannot see the bottom for the BEST results, okay? Now go find a cliff. A really good one, remember.
Step TOO! Ditch safety tools! Who needs safety harness, padding, health insurance? Not you, that’s for sure, O brave one.
Step thrE3! Go to fun cliff. Don’t forget to not put a mattress at the bottom or, like, wear a parachute or something. It’s really not that dangerous. Really. Me guarantee it.
Step PH0AR! Take the leap of faith! Jk, it’s not a leap of faith. You know you will not break your skull open when you land, or maybe drown if you end up in a swiftly flowing river. Why bother worrying when you know you’ll be safe.
Step Fife! Enjoy the rush as you fall through space faster than terminal velocity! You may not ever be able to go back to your old life once you permanently trap yourself in the bottom of a canyon, but who cares? This is so funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
Note: Negev is not responsible for you injuring yourself if you actually do this.
Right now, standing on a 3″ wide ledge half a foot off the ground might sound kind of scary to most sensible rats. Luckily, you do not have to be very scared at all! All you have to do is learn how to be a great ledge-balancer, and there will be nothing to fear ever again. (Note: “Nothing” does not include any of the following: Soigné, rats with white and black fur, Sinai’s sister, white and blackness, ugly rats, greasy white and black fur, Swanyay.)
Soigné can balance on a ledge… why can’t you?! Come on, don’t let a loser like Soigné look better than you at something as simple as balancing on a ledge. LEARN TO BE A GREAT LEDGE-BALANCER TODAY.
1. First, you must find a ledge to practice on. You can’t balance on a ledge without a ledge, duh! That’s like being alive without adoring and loving and worshiping and wanting to be Sinai! (Note: It may be a problem to get this ledge if your human does not understand rat language and therefore can’t carry it for you to your cage.)
2. Now that you have found a ledge, get someone to install it. You should probably get your human to do it because all humans, as you know, possess a special magic known as “THUMZ.” This allows them to use their paws in ways that you, sadly… can not.
3. Okay, now you are ready to begin! Just kidding, you are not. If you want to be safe and not kill yourself while practicing, you should buy a SINAI Mattress with SINAIFOME, a unique new material that will make sure that if you fall on it, you only suffer minor injuries (i.e. breaking your tail-bone) rather than the major ones (i.e. bruising your tail). You should get king size just in case you have a wide fall.
4. Now you really are ready to begin. Get someone to help you up onto the ledge/hold the camcorder so they record you falling and post it online, causing you embarrassment for the rest of your life.
5. If you are on the ledge, you have to act fast. Stick your tail out to steady yourself, and make sure to dig your claws in so you don’t fall off. (Note: Sinai will not pay for damages if you get stuck on the ledge because you stuck your claws in way too far.)
6. Continue to practice every day, and see how long you can last on the ledge. If you improve, congratulations, you will soon become a great ledge-balancer! Maybe you will even be able to sleep on your ledge, like certain adorable, lovable, worship-able, and want-to-be-able rats can.
I’m not suggesting any adorable, lovable, worship-able, and want-to-be-able rat in particular. Just saying.