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Sinai’s Greatest Fear and What You Can Do to Help Her

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Sometimes Sinai thinks about how much she wishes that she wasn’t so scared of the dark so that she could gaze upon her delicate and attractive face for longer than she does now. She also wishes that her sister wasn’t so lazy.

You may not have known this, but Sinai is scared of the dark. And when I say that, I don’t just mean dimly lit areas and things that go bump in the night. I mean anything that is dark in color (although I wouldn’t put the previously mentioned fears out of the picture). She finds it even scarier than the thought of Soigné one day becoming more powerful than her.

Naturally, this is a very challenging fear for a dark colored rat to face. In the morning, Sinai must be careful to not look in the bathroom mirror for too long, as gazing upon her otherwise very beautiful face for too long (as in over four seconds) can result in a stressful beginning to the day. And, being the Divine Ruler of Everything, Sinai already has a very stressful life. To try to reduce this, she leads a very calm and relaxing personal life that usually includes four to five hours of meditation a day. However, she can’t fully accomplish this without overcoming her fear of the dark, which has proven to be quite a challenge.

Sinai has gone to many Achluophobics Anonymous meetings (wearing a mask, naturally, as without one, she wouldn’t actually be anonymous), and she has had a personal counselor attempt to help her with her fear, but alas… neither of them have succeeded. Even though Sinai can now look at her face for four seconds instead of one second (as she used to), she is still very frightened of darkness. Whenever she stares at her face, back, thighs, legs, tail, or pretty much any part of her body except for her belly, ears, nose, or tip of tail, she breaks out in a cold sweat that drenches her fur and gives her a bad hair day. She also starts nibbling on her claws, which totally ruins her weekly manicure (causing her to have to go back and have her claws redone, which inconveniently interrupts her busy work schedule as Divine Ruler of Everything). And lastly, if she looks too long, her eyes lock, and she has to be dragged to the Emergency Room (with a light colored blindfold over her eyes to reduce the terror going on in her mind), which is even worse than getting her claws done when it comes to interrupting her work schedule. It really is a pain in the multi-colored tail for Sinai to be scared of the dark, and yet, not even the most prestigious doctors can cure her of this disabling fear. If, at one point, Sinai’s eyes lock onto her dark hindquarters, and Soigné is off somewhere being a procrastinating loser who doesn’t care about her sister’s welfare, there will most likely be no other rats to take her to the Emergency Room. At that point…well, the prospects don’t look very promising.

No one wants a Divine Ruler of Everything who remains in a vegetative state for the rest of her life just because some lazy bum (a.k.a. her sister) couldn’t bother to take care of her and rush her to the E.R. It would be really awful if the universe was left with some horrid democratic ruler that only wore business suits and ties who also actually cared about the people. No longer would there be any fun gossip to catch up on, and you wouldn’t be able to make fun of Soigné anymore because I am pretty sure that democratic leaders don’t have servants who work for free (not out of their own free will), and that would totally eliminate Soigné from being part of a future ruling of the universe.

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Sinai needs you to help her from sitting in a coma for many years due to the fact that her sister can’t be bothered to do her job properly. Call (123) LUV SISI if you are interested.

Because that is an awful scenario to even think about (let us pray that it never occurs), Sinai is asking that you help her with her greatest fear (which is the dark, in case you have not actually read this entire article). She doesn’t want you to try and cure her because she is pretty sure that if Dr. S. I. Naithegreat, the most skilled doctor in all of the universe, can’t do it, neither can an amateur doctor wannabe like you. Also, she doesn’t want to end up horribly deformed because part of your procedure went just a little bit wrong and screwed up her entire beautiful body and future. So please don’t even consider offering to treat her. If you are thinking of such a thing, why don’t you just close this webpage right now and zap yourself until you forget why you are zapping yourself in the first place? (After you finish, you can come back here. If you feel an urge to help Sinai overcome her fear, repeat the process. You may be able to mentally train yourself to not think a thought if you continuously do this.)  Okay, now that we have eliminated everyone with ill intentions in mind, we shall continue.

Sinai  needs help not in curing her phobia, but in having rats around to help her if her eyes lock up and she is left helpless to think of nothing but how scary black fur looks. (She also does not like white fur in large amounts, but darker colored fur is definitely more scary, as it reminds her of Soigné’s very frightening face.) Soigné is technically supposed to wear a pendant that Sinai also wears that vibrates whenever it detects Sinai’s eyes locking on any dark colored patch of fur. (It cost quite a lot of money to develop the technology, but the Divine Ruler of Everything’s life is worth it. I will not disclose the amount that was spent because then you will not feel like helping Sinai anymore.) However, Sinai is pretty sure that Soigné threw it away or forgot to charge the battery. Either that, or Soigné forgot that it existed and just doesn’t wear it because she doesn’t know that it exists. Either way, Soigné is still a horrible slacker who procrastinates all the time and constantly forgets to check on Sinai every couple of minutes. (She says that she cannot camp outside of Sinai’s room even though Sinai offered to buy her a tent so that she could.) Sinai needs a couple of rats who are willing to do Soigné’s job and help out the best rat ever. The rats will operate on shifts so that they will not have to worry about working at the same time as Soigné (who is awful at working with other rats, by the way). Soigné will get the 10pm-6am shift, and the rats who volunteer will be able to choose when they can work. If you are interested in helping out your favorite rodent leader, call (123) LUV SISI right now to tell Sinai about your interest in a vital position that will earn you a ton of respect from other rats and also earn you a ton of money (Sinai pays $1 a month, which is very high compared to similar employers, as you may know).

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A Quick Quiz by Sinai

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A QUICK QUIZ BY SINAI

Please carefully think each question through before choosing an answer. There will be nine multiple choice questions and one essay to answer. An answer key will be provided on Sinai’s birthday (May 9th) so you may check your answers. Comment your essay on this article for it to be graded.


Multiple Choice

Questions #1-4 are based on the above picture. You may also use your outside knowledge to determine an answer.

1.) Who is the most attractive rat in the picture?
A. Soigné
B. Sinai
C. All of the above
D. None of the above

2.) What color is the rat in the foreground’s fur?
A. White
B. Black
C. White and Black
D. Black and White

3.) What is the full title of the adorable rodent in the background?
A. Sinai The Great, Divine Ruler Of Everything
B. Sinai, Divine Ruler of Everything
C. Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything
D. Sinai the Great, Divine Buler of Everything

4.) Is this question based on the photograph?
A. Yes
B. No
C. I don’t know
D. Maybe

5.) How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A. 40 cords
B. A woodchuck cannot chuck wood
C. A woodchuck has better things to do in life than chucking wood.
D. A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as he could if a woodchuck could chuck wood

6.) Are you going to ace this test?
A. No
B. No
C. No
D. Certainly not!

7.) What is always the answer?
A. B
B. C
C. A
D. Not violence

8.) Jsjsbajqopndbsjjunekdl?
A. Hdjeba, hznunuuui
B. Jdiiijamllpemdpeb.
C. Iplkemw akdidbdh
D. Sjuq jsh wweris

9.) What is Sinai’s lucky number?
A. 3√729
B. 4+5
C. 3^2
D. -54/-6

Essay

Please answer this question in complete sentences. Comment your final answer below.

Sinai is a very beautiful and attractive rat. She has a most beautiful and delicate multicolored tail, but she also has silky smooth black and white fur. Not only that, but the little black spot on her large and very robust tummy is very charming and eye-catching. Her large ears that classify her as a dumbo rat are to die for, although you might want to stick around to gaze upon her snout.

Please choose what you think is Sinai’s most attractive and endearing feature andwrite about it in the comments below. You may choose one of the provided examples or decide on your own. It’s up to you. Requirements for the essay are:

• Must include reasoning behind your choice
• Must compliment Sinai multiple (ten or more) times
• Must be accurate and not include phony information
• Must paint a detailed picture of Sinai in one’s head
• Must be at least 5 paragraphs long
• Must include the sentence “I like sitting naked in a sewer while eating stinky cheese.”

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