Well hello there all my loyal fans, obedient subjects, loving citizens, and horrid excuses for brothers *coughcoughMojavecoughcough* !! Today is a most wonderful day. It is the second best day of the year! It is my Early-By-One-Month Birthday Celebration! How exciting, am I right? It’s not every day that your favorite democratic monarch (as I am both the President of All Ratdom and the self-appointed King of the World) has his birthday in one month! (My awful brother also has his birthday in exactly one month, but he doesn’t count.)
Mojave is not only a disgrace to the family name; he is also a horrible mattress. He is way too small and bony for me to be comfortable when I sit on him.
As it is not my official birthday, you should not go all out on celebrating, as you must save the best gifts and the largest sums of money for my actual birthday (which, if you have not already guessed, is on August 4th). However, I do very much appreciate getting presents from my loving subjects and donations of money (cash or check, $9999.99 minimum donation), and it makes me quite happy.
Please do not send any gifts or money to my brother. He is too small (as you can clearly see above) to be worthy of all your love. By all means, send me what you were going to send to Mojave. I will appreciate it much more than he ever would.*
I have even noticed that the United States has chosen to acknowlege my greatness and have a day of celebration, complete with parades, races, and fireworks! How exciting. I am told (by none other than Mojave) that they are celebrating their “independence”, but obviously they can celebrate that (whatever “independence is. I’ve never heard of it. Perhaps it is a type of food? If so, I am quite interested. I love food.) and celebrate me and my Early-By-One-Month Birthday at the same time.
So far, I have not seen many other countries celebrating me, but I am quite certain everybody has planned a nice surprise party for me and they are going to throw it any time now. (Last year, it was cancelled for some strange reason, but I forget why.)
*If you do choose to disobey me and send gifts to Mojave, I am afraid that I will have no choice but to take all presents and execute you for disobeying the Laws of Negevland #482718009b: Thou shalt not send gifts or presents of any sort to the King’s disgraceful brother, Mojave Annoying Cheeziki, even when a gift appears to be appropiate, or thou shall face a minimum sentence of execution and maximum sentence of execution while being forced to watch home movies of Young Mojave Annoying Cheeziki doing obnoxious and offensive acts.