Tag Archives: Divine Ruler of Everything

Sinai’s Fabulous New Manicure (It’s Totally Not Fake At All)

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Here, you can see the fabulous new and totally not fake at all manicure/pedicure (as this also happens to function as a foot). Isn’t is amazing? I know it is so perfect that it looks fake, but believe me: IT IS REAL. Sinai would never lie to you, and she says it is real, so it is real. Duh. The customer Divine Ruler of Everything is always right. There hasn’t ever been a case where she was not. Now that we have gotten that out of the way, feel free to admire Sinai’s amazing painted claws! (Note: Admiring time must be at least two hours long. There is no limit.)

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Ask Sinai #7 – Special Edition: Ask Soigné

Ask Sinai a question in the comments section below. She might even be gracious enough to use some of her extremely precious celestial time to type an answer out to your question!


Dear Soigné,

I am writing to you because I hear you are an expert on being an annoying sister, and I want to benefit from your vast knowledge and experience on this subject. Here is the problem: I have annoying sister somewhat like you. She is very ugly, what with her pale butt/torso complexion and over-tanned head (it is so tanned that it is literally black). I am a very powerful rat who has no time for doing house chores, so I have employed her to take care of my business and basically be my maid/butler/cook/all-purpose servant. I even pay her quite a large amount of money for her work (much more than she would get from other employers), but she either wastes much of it on frivolous things (like toothpaste, toilet paper, and electricity) or she donates it to a charity for charming and attractive rats with names beginning with S and rhyming with NaiNai who need a little help with the necessities, like power, dental hygiene, and having something to wipe themselves with. The truth is, even though she has quite a substancial income (thanks to me), she squanders it all (although it is nice that she donates to a charity organization) and is left with a little over minimum wage, and she blames me for it. Not only this, but she is not very good at her job. Her toast is too crispy, she left a streak mark on my bottom-of-first-floor-to-ceilling-of-fifth-floor window wall, and she takes up too much space in my tiny five story sophisticated hut with a mere square footage of twenty thousand feet. As she has not responded to my kindness, I have decided that the only way to get rid of her bad habits but keep her (because I am a loving sister) is to be annoying back to her. Have you any ideas on how to be the most irritating sibling ever (second only to you, naturally)?

Soigné, I Need An Insighfulthoughtonthis

Dear S. I. N. A. I.,

You sound very much like my sister. If you could kindly write back with proof that you are not her, then I would be quite pleased to help you. Until then, if you are my sister, I just want you to know that I am not helping you to be more annoying especially since I’d have to deal with it.

Soigné

Dear Soigné,

What ever makes you think I am your sister? I am too humble to be that lovely and very attractive, kind, charming, witty, intelligent, smart, lovable, pretty, beautiful, funny, remarkable, grand, and humble rat. Here is a picture of me for proof.

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As you can see, I am not Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything (also known as your sister), but I would not mind if I was.

Sinai Is Not the Author (Iakamyself)

Dear S. I. N. A. (I.),

That’s a picture of me. Sorry, but I am definitely not helping you, even if you are not Sinai.

Soigné

Dear Soigné,

Young lady, answer me now, or I shall lower your salary that you already complain so much about.

Still I’m Not An Innocentrat(akanotsinai)inyoureyes

Dear S. I. N. A. I.,

You can’t do that. It’s already minimum wage. Any lower is against the law.

Soigné

Dear Soigné,

I AM THE DIVINE RULER OF EVERYTHING! I WILL LOWER MINIMUM WAGE IF I MUST TO TRAIN YOU INTO OBEDIENCE!

I am not Sinai you doubting and untrusting rodent unworthy of my letters

Dear Sinai,

Just gave yourself away. #jokesonyou

Soigné

Undear Soigné,

I just passed a law making minimum wage 50¢ a year. #whosgotthelastlaughnow

I am not your sister!

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Stop being naked!

Do you ever sometimes feel like your tail is just a little… naked? Well I know for a fact that you have. Don’t even try denying it, because you know it’s the truth. Tails are so overlooked in fashion these days. I mean, you can get fake tail coverings, but those just make your naked tail look like another naked tail, which is kind of not okay, especially if you are trying to stop being so naked on your tail. Well, lucky for you, SinaiByootie INC. (run by your favorite rat, Sinai) has created an accessory that goes on your tail and makes your tail stop looking so naked. It’s called… The Tayill Reen™!

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What you look like before you get The Tayill Reen™: somewhat happy, but not nearly as happy as you could possibly be, as your tail is suffering the sad fate of being NAKED while the rest of you is obviously fully clothed. (Note: you are probably not this beautiful, nor will you ever be, as you are not Sinai the Great, and no one else in the world is nearly as beautiful as her.)

The Tayill Reen™ is a handy little ring that you slip onto your tail. (DUH!) All you have to do to prevent yourself from losing it is keep your tail sticking up in the air all day long and NEVER LET IT FALL TO THE GROUND, AS YOUR TAYILL REEN™ MIGHT JUST ROLL RIGHT OFF, AND YOU’D NEVER NOTICE UNTIL EVERYONE WAS LAUGHING AT YOU FOR HAVING A NAKED TAIL. That is very easy, though, and it is definitely worth tiring your tail muscles so that you do not have to walk around with a naked tail until you can find yours/buy a new one. (In case you are wondering, Sinai tried to make a no-slip Tayill Reen™, but the spikes that she inserted inside the ring ended up causing the test subject– who was not in any way related to Sinai, even distantly– some minor pain. Sinai did not want to cause her customers pain, no matter how minor, so therefore she pulled the ring. She did, however, let her test subject– who was still not even distantly related to Sinai– keep the ring if she wanted.)

The Tayill Reen™ also comes in a multitude of beautiful colors. For example, you can get it in the signature siPawlisshe color, Püpey™, or you can get it in a cool new color, which is called DharckPüpey™ (which is like Püpey™, only darker). The Tayill Reen™ even comes in some fun and peppy patterns– there’s stripes, dots, plaid, little Sinai heads, camo, gingham, paisley, check, scales, and more! (Patterns are available in both Püpey™ and DharckPüpey™ and in a unique color that is only available in patterns known as PhaydidPüpey™, which is like Püpey™, only faded.) Also, there are different finishes to the different colors (not included PhaydidPüpey™) if you don’t want a pattern, but you don’t want a plain color, either. You can get either of the two colors in sparkle, matte finish, textured, iridescent, or with Sinai’s fur in the ring (note: getting Sinai’s fur will cause the price to increase a little). But that’s not all! If you are the Divine Ruler of Everything, you can get The Tayill Reen™ in pink/purple/maroon/red/coral/orange/yellow/lime/green/turquoise/blue/indigo/24 karat gold/sterling silver (with or without patterns/special finish)! (If you are not, then you are not allowed to have fun somewhat more interesting and less barfy colors.)

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Yes, these look slightly barfy. However, that does not mean that they are not also trendy. Just think of how great they would go with that booger hanging out of your nostril.

When you get The Tayill Reen™, you will feel suddenly lighter, as if you are no longer held down by the burden that your naked tail has been to your life. You haven’t noticed how heavy it is, since you have never lived without this boulder on your shoulders, or rather, your butt, but when you are suddenly relieved of it, you will be amazed at how great you feel. And who wouldn’t like to healthier and younger? Exactly!

toering

This is you after you get your Tayill Reen™. Notice how much happier you are. Also, you are positively radiant and crying tears of joy. What a lovely sight. (Note: This is not really you. This is actually Sinai the Great, in case you suddenly thought that you were close to as beautiful as Sinai is. No illusions of grandeur for you.)

Are you convinced yet? Call (123) LUV SISI to order your inexpensive Tayill Reen™ today! You won’t regret your purchase, I guarantee it! (Costs: $999.99 plain, $1999.99 pattern, $2599.99 special finish, $5999.99 Sinai’s fur special finish, $0 if you are the Divine Ruler of Everything.)

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Sinai’s Greatest Fear and What You Can Do to Help Her

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Sometimes Sinai thinks about how much she wishes that she wasn’t so scared of the dark so that she could gaze upon her delicate and attractive face for longer than she does now. She also wishes that her sister wasn’t so lazy.

You may not have known this, but Sinai is scared of the dark. And when I say that, I don’t just mean dimly lit areas and things that go bump in the night. I mean anything that is dark in color (although I wouldn’t put the previously mentioned fears out of the picture). She finds it even scarier than the thought of Soigné one day becoming more powerful than her.

Naturally, this is a very challenging fear for a dark colored rat to face. In the morning, Sinai must be careful to not look in the bathroom mirror for too long, as gazing upon her otherwise very beautiful face for too long (as in over four seconds) can result in a stressful beginning to the day. And, being the Divine Ruler of Everything, Sinai already has a very stressful life. To try to reduce this, she leads a very calm and relaxing personal life that usually includes four to five hours of meditation a day. However, she can’t fully accomplish this without overcoming her fear of the dark, which has proven to be quite a challenge.

Sinai has gone to many Achluophobics Anonymous meetings (wearing a mask, naturally, as without one, she wouldn’t actually be anonymous), and she has had a personal counselor attempt to help her with her fear, but alas… neither of them have succeeded. Even though Sinai can now look at her face for four seconds instead of one second (as she used to), she is still very frightened of darkness. Whenever she stares at her face, back, thighs, legs, tail, or pretty much any part of her body except for her belly, ears, nose, or tip of tail, she breaks out in a cold sweat that drenches her fur and gives her a bad hair day. She also starts nibbling on her claws, which totally ruins her weekly manicure (causing her to have to go back and have her claws redone, which inconveniently interrupts her busy work schedule as Divine Ruler of Everything). And lastly, if she looks too long, her eyes lock, and she has to be dragged to the Emergency Room (with a light colored blindfold over her eyes to reduce the terror going on in her mind), which is even worse than getting her claws done when it comes to interrupting her work schedule. It really is a pain in the multi-colored tail for Sinai to be scared of the dark, and yet, not even the most prestigious doctors can cure her of this disabling fear. If, at one point, Sinai’s eyes lock onto her dark hindquarters, and Soigné is off somewhere being a procrastinating loser who doesn’t care about her sister’s welfare, there will most likely be no other rats to take her to the Emergency Room. At that point…well, the prospects don’t look very promising.

No one wants a Divine Ruler of Everything who remains in a vegetative state for the rest of her life just because some lazy bum (a.k.a. her sister) couldn’t bother to take care of her and rush her to the E.R. It would be really awful if the universe was left with some horrid democratic ruler that only wore business suits and ties who also actually cared about the people. No longer would there be any fun gossip to catch up on, and you wouldn’t be able to make fun of Soigné anymore because I am pretty sure that democratic leaders don’t have servants who work for free (not out of their own free will), and that would totally eliminate Soigné from being part of a future ruling of the universe.

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Sinai needs you to help her from sitting in a coma for many years due to the fact that her sister can’t be bothered to do her job properly. Call (123) LUV SISI if you are interested.

Because that is an awful scenario to even think about (let us pray that it never occurs), Sinai is asking that you help her with her greatest fear (which is the dark, in case you have not actually read this entire article). She doesn’t want you to try and cure her because she is pretty sure that if Dr. S. I. Naithegreat, the most skilled doctor in all of the universe, can’t do it, neither can an amateur doctor wannabe like you. Also, she doesn’t want to end up horribly deformed because part of your procedure went just a little bit wrong and screwed up her entire beautiful body and future. So please don’t even consider offering to treat her. If you are thinking of such a thing, why don’t you just close this webpage right now and zap yourself until you forget why you are zapping yourself in the first place? (After you finish, you can come back here. If you feel an urge to help Sinai overcome her fear, repeat the process. You may be able to mentally train yourself to not think a thought if you continuously do this.)  Okay, now that we have eliminated everyone with ill intentions in mind, we shall continue.

Sinai  needs help not in curing her phobia, but in having rats around to help her if her eyes lock up and she is left helpless to think of nothing but how scary black fur looks. (She also does not like white fur in large amounts, but darker colored fur is definitely more scary, as it reminds her of Soigné’s very frightening face.) Soigné is technically supposed to wear a pendant that Sinai also wears that vibrates whenever it detects Sinai’s eyes locking on any dark colored patch of fur. (It cost quite a lot of money to develop the technology, but the Divine Ruler of Everything’s life is worth it. I will not disclose the amount that was spent because then you will not feel like helping Sinai anymore.) However, Sinai is pretty sure that Soigné threw it away or forgot to charge the battery. Either that, or Soigné forgot that it existed and just doesn’t wear it because she doesn’t know that it exists. Either way, Soigné is still a horrible slacker who procrastinates all the time and constantly forgets to check on Sinai every couple of minutes. (She says that she cannot camp outside of Sinai’s room even though Sinai offered to buy her a tent so that she could.) Sinai needs a couple of rats who are willing to do Soigné’s job and help out the best rat ever. The rats will operate on shifts so that they will not have to worry about working at the same time as Soigné (who is awful at working with other rats, by the way). Soigné will get the 10pm-6am shift, and the rats who volunteer will be able to choose when they can work. If you are interested in helping out your favorite rodent leader, call (123) LUV SISI right now to tell Sinai about your interest in a vital position that will earn you a ton of respect from other rats and also earn you a ton of money (Sinai pays $1 a month, which is very high compared to similar employers, as you may know).

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