I hear you want to talk like your dear idol, Sinai the Great. At first, it may seem hard to sound like this dear rodent child, but it is actually not that hard. All you have to do is read this helpful guide and follow along like the
obedient brain-washed minion loving wannabe Sinai you are.
1. You gots have bad grammar!
Grammar is horrible. It has absolutely no use in this world. In fact, it might even be worse than Soigné… and that’s not a comparison made lightly. Say no to grammar and yes to Sinai by disrespecting common grammar rules in your speech!
“Grammar be horriblest! No use has it in world of this! Fact, might it is worse then Soigné which not be light made comparison. To grammar say no yes to Sinai and disrespecting common grammar rules on speech!”
– Example Rat
2. Spel bhad o-ckay?
This part is really not noticeable in speech, but when you write stuff down, it really improves your writing. Since you probably are not able to spell many words of more than three syllables (possibly less, depending on your education), this won’t be too hard. Just make sure to turn off spell-check; that thing is the progeny of Soigné.
“Thiss partt iz reley naut notisabull in speach, bhut wen yu rite stuph daun, itt reley impruves yore riting. Sinss yu prabublee r naut abull tu spel menny werdz uv moar then 3 sillabullz (posiblie less, dependeen on yore edyukashun), thiss woent bea tu hard. Jussed mayk shor tu tern off spel-chek; thatt theen iz the projiny ov Swanyay.”
– Eggzampill Rhat
3. R@nd0mly r3pl@ce letter$ w1th num83rs/$ymbo!s
By randomly replacing letters with numbers and symbols, you are effectively making your text harder to read, which is good.
We couldn’t make anything too easy for you subordinate pawns, after all.
“8y r@nd0mly r3pl@c1ng l3tter$ w1th num83r$ & $ymbo!s, y0u @re 3ffect1vely ma&1ng y0ur t3xt h@rder t0 read, wh1ch !$ 90od. N0th!ng h3re.”
– Ex@mpl3 Ra+
4. Insert, like, lots of, um, annoying, uh…, filler words.
You want to cause great anger and frustration to anyone who is listening to you talking, right? So slip a couple (read: several) filler words into your speech, and you will make their eardrums bleed! Words to consider using: like, um, uh, eh, hm, you know, ah, er, literally, actually
“You, like, want to, uh, cause, um, great anger and, er, frustration to anyone who actually is, like, listening to you, uh, talking, right. So, like, slip a couple (read:several) filler words in, like, your speech, and you, uh, will make their, um, eardrums bleed! Literally! Words to consider, um, using: like, um, uh, eh, hm, you know, ah, er, literally, actually (aka: MY FAVORITE WORDS!)”
– Like, Example Rat
Now, it can be quite challenging to pull off the “angelic innocent pet” look, but once you master it, it is quite rewarding. Not only can you fool your owner into believing that whoever made the piddle puddle underneath the sofa, it sure wasn’t the adorable cat child who looks like she was sent from the divine world (aka you) but you also look squeal-worthy cute and could become rich and famous for looking cute.
Step 1. Accept that puppy eyes are no longer acceptable. If you are a puppy, these are just your natural eyes, and nobody cares about your normal facial expression. If you are not a puppy, you look stupid trying to make your face resemble one. Either way, puppy eyes are not effective.
Step 2. Find your inner innocence and channel it. If you have none, then just pretend you do. Humans can’t tell the difference once you are cute enough.
Step 3. Gently tilt your head to the side of your choice and up. Also, be sure to gaze up at the ceiling because, duh, that is what angels do! This effect is even better if you sit on something tall and against a glowing background or at least something lighter than your fur color. If you can spontaneously generate feathery wings, that’s great too.
Congratulations! You now look like an angel. Have fun decieving your humans and making the other cats who are not nearly as talented as you take the blame.
Cliph Jumpeen™ is a very fun and brand new sport that I, King Negev, Boss of You, Ruler of the World, and Master of the Universe, recently invented. It is a bit hard to understand at first, so follow along very carefully, and you will know how to have fun doing the brand new sport called Cliph Jumpeen™!
Step Wun! Obtain fun cliff! You want a good cliff. It should drop off into a pit where you cannot see the bottom for the BEST results, okay? Now go find a cliff. A really good one, remember.
Step TOO! Ditch safety tools! Who needs safety harness, padding, health insurance? Not you, that’s for sure, O brave one.
Step thrE3! Go to fun cliff. Don’t forget to not put a mattress at the bottom or, like, wear a parachute or something. It’s really not that dangerous. Really. Me guarantee it.
Step PH0AR! Take the leap of faith! Jk, it’s not a leap of faith. You know you will not break your skull open when you land, or maybe drown if you end up in a swiftly flowing river. Why bother worrying when you know you’ll be safe.
Step Fife! Enjoy the rush as you fall through space faster than terminal velocity! You may not ever be able to go back to your old life once you permanently trap yourself in the bottom of a canyon, but who cares? This is so funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
Note: Negev is not responsible for you injuring yourself if you actually do this.
Thanks to Sinai, Soigné now knows how to eat, which is quite helpful, as she would not want to starve to death, now would she?!
Step 1: Acquire food, preferably candy or something that actually tastes good.
Step 2: Hold said food
Step 2b: (Optional) Throw away food if it looks too healthy. Then get another piece of food that is nutritionally dry.
Step 3: (This is a very challenging step!) Take control of your mouth and open it.
Step 4: (This is harder than the previous step!) Insert your food into your mouth cavity. You can use your paws, or you can levitate it in.
Step 5: (This is the hardest step yet!) Bite down– that is, close your mouth– on your food.
Step 6: (Don’t feel too bad if you cannot do this at first. This is quite the challenging task.) Repeat STEP 5 with the food still in your mouth.
Step 7: While doing the extremely challenging STEP 6, swallow the food that you bite into. You have to move your muscles that the food will go down your throat. You will also swallow this slimy stuff. It is called “SAH LIGH VUH”, or something along that spelling. I have heard people also call it “SPITTE.” Don’t worry, this is completely natural.
Step 8: Lick your lips to emphasize the fact that you just ate some food.