Tag Archives: ice cream

How Soigné Could Possibly Cause The End of the World As We Know It

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Do you see the ugly white lump whose tail is being touched by the amazing Sinai the Great? DO YOU? Well, if you do, do you think that this ugly white lump whose name is Soigné is harmless? Guess what– it ISN’T! This horribly ugly white lump of fur could possibly cause the end of the world as we know it. That is definitely not harmless. I bet you are wondering how the ugly white lump could end the world. Here’s how…


Soigné the ugly white lump decides she wants to eat a cookie even though she is not hungry.

Soigné the ugly white lump steals her sister’s car to go to the grocery store and get a cookie.

As Soigné backs out of the driveway, she holds up a rat who was bringing ice cream to the local community food cupboard.

The ice cream of the rat who was held up by Soigné the ugly white lump melts.

The rat who was bringing ice cream to the local community food cupboard arrives at his destination with flavored sugary teeth-rotting liquid instead of ice cream.

The community food cupboard does not get ice cream.

The little children rats who were waiting for a special ice cream treat from the local community food cupboard do not get their special treat.

The parent of one of the little children rats gets angry because his daughter did not get her ice cream which she had so desperately wanted.

The parent of the little child girl rat contacts the community food cupboard and learns who did not deliver the ice cream on time. He also receives the address of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time.

The parent of the little child girl rat goes to the house of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time.

The parent of the little child girl rat yells at the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time.

The neighbor of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time hears the parent of the little child girl rat yelling with a harsh voice at the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time and thinks the two rats are fighting with guns.

The neighbor of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time calls the police.

The police drive to the house of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time.

The police arrive and see the parent of the little child girl rat apologising at the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time for yelling at him.

On the other side of town, a rat robs a cookie warehouse, but is not arrested because the police are all at the house of the rat who did not deliver the ice cream on time.

The rat who robbed the cookie warehouse is able to get back to her stolen car safely.

The rat who robbed the cookie warehouse drives away with the cookies.

The rat who robbed the cookie warehouse is too busy eating cookies and is distracted from the road.

The rat who robbed the cookie warehouse ends up crashing into the car of a genius rat.

The genius rat is seriously injured because of the crash.

The rat who robbed the cookie warehouse sees how injured the genius rat is and drives away into the night.

The genius rat, who was unconscious, is not able to see who crashed her car.

When the genius rat is saved by some paramedics, she cannot tell them who caused her to crash.

The paramedics are not able to tell the police who crashed the genius rat because she did not see the rat.

The police are not able to tell the judge who crashed the genius rat because the paramedics do not know.

The judge cannot solve the case of the genius rat.

The genius rat gets no justice.

The genius rat is mad.

The genius rat funnels her anger towards her nurses while she is in the hospital.

None of the nurses then want to tend to the genius rat.

The genius rat gets even more angry.

When the genius rat leaves the hospital, she starts developing a new weapon that causes spontaneous combustion of anything that is shot at.

The genius rat goes to the hospital, intending to shoot all of the nurses who abandoned her, but loses heart and discards the weapon.

The weapon is left in a dumpster.

A dumpster diver sees the weapon and is curious.

The dumpster diver takes the weapon.

The dumpster diver accidentally shoots the weapon… at the hospital.

The hospital immediately spontaneously combusts.

A sick rat is in an ambulance being rushed to the hospital comes to nothing.

The sick rat is not able to receive treatment.

The sick rat, who was going to reverse global warming if he had lived, dies.

The planet’s climate gets worse instead of better.

Antarctica and the Arctic melt because of the higher temperature.

Rats try to reverse the fad, but cannot because the sick rat has died, and only he held the knowledge to save the world.

Global warming gets even worse.

All the snow melts, causing ocean levels to rise to ridiculous heights.

Many of the major cities in the world are buried underwater.

Inhabitants of those cities move to higher ground.

Populations become denser.

Food production slows because farmland has been lost.

Rats starve because there is no food.

Desperate times cause rats who think they have the solution to global warming to propose ideas which only end up speeding the warming up.

Earth eventually becomes so overheated that rats are no longer able to survive due to a loss of land and food.

ALL BECAUSE OF ONE UGLY WHITE LUMP OF FUR NAMED SOIGNÉ.

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The Reason Why Negev Hates Penguins

Cast of Characters

Amazing Sweet Charming Rodent Who You All Love! ♥ – Negev
Clouds – Sinai’s Belly
Negev’s Drink – The Green Stuff that We Found On The Cheese This Morning
Penguin Who Must Be Killed For Its Crimes Against the King – Some Guy We Pulled Off the Street
Sun Whose Ears Continually Get Larger – Sinai
To Be Continued Rat – Also Sinai
Ugly Waste of Space – Mojave
Ugly Waste of Space’s Broom Bristles – Soigné

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King Negev’s Guide to Properly Raising Your Beloved Pet Rat (Especially If Its Name Starts With an N and Rhymes With Quegev)

Hello lowly subjects who read this blog of my best friend, Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything! I am King Negev, Boss of You, Ruler of the World, and Master of the Universe, but you can just call me “Your Majesty” , “King Negev”, “O Sacred God-like Royal Rodent” for short. I am the guest writer for today, as Sinai has been trapped in her house by Soigné’s rather large rear end (that refuses to move due to the fact that Soigné’s rather dense brain refuses to allow it) and therefore cannot write for this blog. Boo hoo hoo. How sad. It brings tears to my attractive and god-like rodent eyes. Obviously, she made a very wise choice for who her backup would be (how awful it would be if she had chosen her rotten sister!), as I have won quite a few awards for my writing skills (I have won the very prestigious Negev-Loves-Your-Writing Medal for the last four years). Not only are my works very pleasing to read, but they are also about great subjects that everyone wants to read about. Today, I am writing about how to properly raise your beloved pet rat (especially if its name starts with an N and rhymes with Quegev), which I know all of you readers will be ecstatic to read about! Not only is this a very educational post, but it also teaches you a lot of smart stuff that will make your beloved pet rat whose name probably starts with an N and rhymes with Quegev very happy. And I know you really want to make your beloved pet rat whose name starts with an N and rhymes with Quegev very happy (I can’t honestly speak for rats whose names do not start with an N and rhyme with Quegev).

signature

(P.S. This is a bona fide signature that you should probably save because I am pretty sure that it will be worth a ton of money in a couple years after more humans are alerted of my existence. I don’t know why, but a lot of the humans I have spoken to have said that they have never heard of the lovable and delightful King Negev, Boss of You, Ruler of the World, and Master of the Universe, and also, they do not understand how a cute little rat like me can even speak English. I don’t know why they’re so confused. It’s not like they’ve never been spoken to by a cute little rat before. Actually, you know what, they probably haven’t, as I am the cutest little rat that ever existed. All of the other ones, except for Sinai, were pretty unattractive, at least compared to my glorious face.)


King Negev’s Amazing Successful Guide to Properly Raising Your Beloved Pet Rat (Especially If Its Name Starts With an N and Rhymes With Quegev) That You Will Not Regret At All Reading As It Will Very Much Please Your Beloved Pet Rat Whose Name Starts With an N and Rhymes With Quegev and Therefore Will Cause It To Love You Even More Than It Already Does For Giving It A Lovely and Wonderful Name That Starts With an N and Rhymes With Quegev That All of Its Rat Friends Are Jealous Of

So you want to properly raise your beloved pet rat whose name starts with an N and rhymes with Quegev? I totally understand why you want to do that. Fancy rats are just so cute and fun to be around (especially me) that naturally, you want to make sure your own has a very happy life and does not regret a single second of it. However, to make your pet rat 100% happy, you will have to work very hard. It’s not easy pleasing rats, as some can be very finicky. Here are King Negev’s best tips to making your rat’s life the best it can be.

Tip 1: First of all, you should make sure that your rat has a very nice name that is pleasing to the ear. It can be very tough to choose such a name for a rat, as there are several out there that certain owners may like, but then it turns out that their rat hates it. If you are looking for the perfect name, I suggest anything that starts with an N and rhymes with Quegev. A name like that will make your rat feel very special and good inside. (Examples include but are not limited to: Negev, Nnnnnegev, Nnegev, Nhegev, Negev, Nnegev, NegEv, Negevve, Negevh, Nnnnnnnnegev, Neghev, Negefv, Nnnneggev, Negevphv, Negevv. Gnegev and Knegev are also acceptable.)

PSYCHEDELIC

I love my name, and it starts with an N and rhymes with Quegev. Who knew?!

Tip 2: Embrace the fact that your rat probably does not want a companion if it will just be a bum and bite your favorite rat’s tail. Not like that’s happened to me ever /sarcasm. If your rat ever shows discomfort around a companion who you bought mainly just to provide company for your original (and also preferred) rat, you should probably take the second rat away to a mental asylum because it is probably mentally harming the other rat (don’t forget to get a replacement rat so that your rat at home is not having to live alone). It could also be physically harming it, but I’m pretty sure that would be more obvious to the human eye. You should, however, try to provide a companion because you do not want your beloved pet fancy rat to be all lonely. If you cannot afford another rat, just tote your rodent around wherever you go, and that should make up for the lack of friendship.

A DRAWING of a rat who does kinda look evil...

When you go looking for a friend for your rat, make sure to carefully analyze any options. If you see a rat that kind of looks like this and has a name that starts with M and is also the name of a desert, you should MOST DEFINITELY NOT GET IT AS IT IS DEFINITELY THE DEVIL TRYING TO RUIN YOUR RAT’S LIFE AND MAKE IT COMPLETELY MISERABLE. I do not care if the rat is supposedly “related” to your rat. You should still not get it. Don’t risk losing your rat’s beautiful tail.

Tip 3: Make your rat’s habitat a nice looking place. Would you like to live in a box with ugly metal bars on every single wall? No? I didn’t think so. If you cannot avoid buying a habitat like the one I previously described, try to at least make it look nice. Like maybe paint the bars your rat’s favorite color.

Negev 002

My owner never did get around to painting my cage bars purple (which is my favorite color, as everyone knows), but she did buy me this beautiful cheetah print hammock. I also had a zebra print one, but I accidentally ate that one. (IT’S NOT MY FAULT. I have a naturally gnawing instinct, and it was the first thing I could find. Besides, it tasted really good. Can’t judge me until you’ve eaten hammock yourself.)

Tip 4: Allow your rat to frolic outside of its normal environment. No rat likes to be confined to one space, no matter how pretty it is, so you should take it out for a walk a couple times an hour. Also provide ample space for it to run around like the wild rodents it was descended from. (I do not recommend letting it play near any landfills because then that could cause your rat to become dirty and who knows how awful an experience that would be for your beloved pet rat whose name starts with an N and rhymes with Quegev.)

Negev 040

Just think of how much fun it is for your rat when he or she goes out to sniff the ground. Have you ever smelled grass? It is so much fun. I could do it all day long and never get bored. Well, technically, I would still have to rule my very vast and thriving kingdom, but otherwise, I could do nothing else and be entertained.

Tip 5: Make sure you always feed your rat the most delicious (which may or may not also be the most nutritious) rat food you can find. It does not matter how much it costs, as no rat wants to eat some dry and nasty lab pellets. Not only do they add absolutely no color to your rat’s plate (which everyone knows is awful for its health), but they are also very dusty and could cause your rat to become *gasp* dirty! What a horrible experience! I would hate to ever be dirty. If I ever ended up dirty, I would probably have nightmares for weeks, and I most certainly would NOT BE HAPPY. I would not have any fun, and I would really regret being dirty. As you know, these are things that you do not want to happen to your rat. So avoid the chance of your rat becoming dirty completely by not giving it dusty lab pellets. Instead, I suggest, giving it lots of tasty yogurt, fruit, candy, cake, cookies, ice cream, pie, milkshakes, soda, and other tastilicious treats. Your rat will never get dirty from eating these crumb/dust-free options.

yogurt

Yogurt is very good. I suggest topping it off with cookie crumbles, sprinkles, peanut-butter cups, maple syrup, whipped cream, chocolate-covered cherries, and a couple gummy bears. Now that is a healthy and mess-free meal!

Alright, that’s it! I really hope this delightful and very educational guide really helps you to be an amazing owner that constantly pampers your beloved pet rat whose name starts with an N and rhymes with Quegev. If it doesn’t, obviously you did not read it thoroughly. Make sure you can recite this entirely from memory at any moment when you need to be a better owner so that your pet does not run away to come be a servant in my royal palace (which is a very strong temptation in pet rats nowadays, as I have heard). If you have properly read it all, while thoroughly analyzing it, then you will be able to have a great relationship with your beloved pet for years to come. Don’t forget to credit me when everyone asks how in the world you got your rat to like you.

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Why Negev Hates Penguins (Video)

Negev wants to make ice cream, but obviously the penguins are out to get him. [unfinished]

Cast

Anna as All the Voices

King Negev, Boss of You, Ruler of the World, and Master of the Universe as Negev

Mojave the Annoying as Annoying Servant Named Mojave

Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything as Happy Sun, Sad Sun, Really Sad Sun

Soigné the Blight on All Humanity as The Ugly Rat On the Wall

Some Random Guy We Pulled Off the Street as Penguin

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