Tag Archives: Mojave the Annoying

King Negev’s Guide to Properly Raising Your Beloved Pet Rat (Especially If Its Name Starts With an N and Rhymes With Quegev)

Hello lowly subjects who read this blog of my best friend, Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything! I am King Negev, Boss of You, Ruler of the World, and Master of the Universe, but you can just call me “Your Majesty” , “King Negev”, “O Sacred God-like Royal Rodent” for short. I am the guest writer for today, as Sinai has been trapped in her house by Soigné’s rather large rear end (that refuses to move due to the fact that Soigné’s rather dense brain refuses to allow it) and therefore cannot write for this blog. Boo hoo hoo. How sad. It brings tears to my attractive and god-like rodent eyes. Obviously, she made a very wise choice for who her backup would be (how awful it would be if she had chosen her rotten sister!), as I have won quite a few awards for my writing skills (I have won the very prestigious Negev-Loves-Your-Writing Medal for the last four years). Not only are my works very pleasing to read, but they are also about great subjects that everyone wants to read about. Today, I am writing about how to properly raise your beloved pet rat (especially if its name starts with an N and rhymes with Quegev), which I know all of you readers will be ecstatic to read about! Not only is this a very educational post, but it also teaches you a lot of smart stuff that will make your beloved pet rat whose name probably starts with an N and rhymes with Quegev very happy. And I know you really want to make your beloved pet rat whose name starts with an N and rhymes with Quegev very happy (I can’t honestly speak for rats whose names do not start with an N and rhyme with Quegev).

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(P.S. This is a bona fide signature that you should probably save because I am pretty sure that it will be worth a ton of money in a couple years after more humans are alerted of my existence. I don’t know why, but a lot of the humans I have spoken to have said that they have never heard of the lovable and delightful King Negev, Boss of You, Ruler of the World, and Master of the Universe, and also, they do not understand how a cute little rat like me can even speak English. I don’t know why they’re so confused. It’s not like they’ve never been spoken to by a cute little rat before. Actually, you know what, they probably haven’t, as I am the cutest little rat that ever existed. All of the other ones, except for Sinai, were pretty unattractive, at least compared to my glorious face.)


King Negev’s Amazing Successful Guide to Properly Raising Your Beloved Pet Rat (Especially If Its Name Starts With an N and Rhymes With Quegev) That You Will Not Regret At All Reading As It Will Very Much Please Your Beloved Pet Rat Whose Name Starts With an N and Rhymes With Quegev and Therefore Will Cause It To Love You Even More Than It Already Does For Giving It A Lovely and Wonderful Name That Starts With an N and Rhymes With Quegev That All of Its Rat Friends Are Jealous Of

So you want to properly raise your beloved pet rat whose name starts with an N and rhymes with Quegev? I totally understand why you want to do that. Fancy rats are just so cute and fun to be around (especially me) that naturally, you want to make sure your own has a very happy life and does not regret a single second of it. However, to make your pet rat 100% happy, you will have to work very hard. It’s not easy pleasing rats, as some can be very finicky. Here are King Negev’s best tips to making your rat’s life the best it can be.

Tip 1: First of all, you should make sure that your rat has a very nice name that is pleasing to the ear. It can be very tough to choose such a name for a rat, as there are several out there that certain owners may like, but then it turns out that their rat hates it. If you are looking for the perfect name, I suggest anything that starts with an N and rhymes with Quegev. A name like that will make your rat feel very special and good inside. (Examples include but are not limited to: Negev, Nnnnnegev, Nnegev, Nhegev, Negev, Nnegev, NegEv, Negevve, Negevh, Nnnnnnnnegev, Neghev, Negefv, Nnnneggev, Negevphv, Negevv. Gnegev and Knegev are also acceptable.)

PSYCHEDELIC

I love my name, and it starts with an N and rhymes with Quegev. Who knew?!

Tip 2: Embrace the fact that your rat probably does not want a companion if it will just be a bum and bite your favorite rat’s tail. Not like that’s happened to me ever /sarcasm. If your rat ever shows discomfort around a companion who you bought mainly just to provide company for your original (and also preferred) rat, you should probably take the second rat away to a mental asylum because it is probably mentally harming the other rat (don’t forget to get a replacement rat so that your rat at home is not having to live alone). It could also be physically harming it, but I’m pretty sure that would be more obvious to the human eye. You should, however, try to provide a companion because you do not want your beloved pet fancy rat to be all lonely. If you cannot afford another rat, just tote your rodent around wherever you go, and that should make up for the lack of friendship.

A DRAWING of a rat who does kinda look evil...

When you go looking for a friend for your rat, make sure to carefully analyze any options. If you see a rat that kind of looks like this and has a name that starts with M and is also the name of a desert, you should MOST DEFINITELY NOT GET IT AS IT IS DEFINITELY THE DEVIL TRYING TO RUIN YOUR RAT’S LIFE AND MAKE IT COMPLETELY MISERABLE. I do not care if the rat is supposedly “related” to your rat. You should still not get it. Don’t risk losing your rat’s beautiful tail.

Tip 3: Make your rat’s habitat a nice looking place. Would you like to live in a box with ugly metal bars on every single wall? No? I didn’t think so. If you cannot avoid buying a habitat like the one I previously described, try to at least make it look nice. Like maybe paint the bars your rat’s favorite color.

Negev 002

My owner never did get around to painting my cage bars purple (which is my favorite color, as everyone knows), but she did buy me this beautiful cheetah print hammock. I also had a zebra print one, but I accidentally ate that one. (IT’S NOT MY FAULT. I have a naturally gnawing instinct, and it was the first thing I could find. Besides, it tasted really good. Can’t judge me until you’ve eaten hammock yourself.)

Tip 4: Allow your rat to frolic outside of its normal environment. No rat likes to be confined to one space, no matter how pretty it is, so you should take it out for a walk a couple times an hour. Also provide ample space for it to run around like the wild rodents it was descended from. (I do not recommend letting it play near any landfills because then that could cause your rat to become dirty and who knows how awful an experience that would be for your beloved pet rat whose name starts with an N and rhymes with Quegev.)

Negev 040

Just think of how much fun it is for your rat when he or she goes out to sniff the ground. Have you ever smelled grass? It is so much fun. I could do it all day long and never get bored. Well, technically, I would still have to rule my very vast and thriving kingdom, but otherwise, I could do nothing else and be entertained.

Tip 5: Make sure you always feed your rat the most delicious (which may or may not also be the most nutritious) rat food you can find. It does not matter how much it costs, as no rat wants to eat some dry and nasty lab pellets. Not only do they add absolutely no color to your rat’s plate (which everyone knows is awful for its health), but they are also very dusty and could cause your rat to become *gasp* dirty! What a horrible experience! I would hate to ever be dirty. If I ever ended up dirty, I would probably have nightmares for weeks, and I most certainly would NOT BE HAPPY. I would not have any fun, and I would really regret being dirty. As you know, these are things that you do not want to happen to your rat. So avoid the chance of your rat becoming dirty completely by not giving it dusty lab pellets. Instead, I suggest, giving it lots of tasty yogurt, fruit, candy, cake, cookies, ice cream, pie, milkshakes, soda, and other tastilicious treats. Your rat will never get dirty from eating these crumb/dust-free options.

yogurt

Yogurt is very good. I suggest topping it off with cookie crumbles, sprinkles, peanut-butter cups, maple syrup, whipped cream, chocolate-covered cherries, and a couple gummy bears. Now that is a healthy and mess-free meal!

Alright, that’s it! I really hope this delightful and very educational guide really helps you to be an amazing owner that constantly pampers your beloved pet rat whose name starts with an N and rhymes with Quegev. If it doesn’t, obviously you did not read it thoroughly. Make sure you can recite this entirely from memory at any moment when you need to be a better owner so that your pet does not run away to come be a servant in my royal palace (which is a very strong temptation in pet rats nowadays, as I have heard). If you have properly read it all, while thoroughly analyzing it, then you will be able to have a great relationship with your beloved pet for years to come. Don’t forget to credit me when everyone asks how in the world you got your rat to like you.

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Why Negev Hates Penguins (Video)

Negev wants to make ice cream, but obviously the penguins are out to get him. [unfinished]

Cast

Anna as All the Voices

King Negev, Boss of You, Ruler of the World, and Master of the Universe as Negev

Mojave the Annoying as Annoying Servant Named Mojave

Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything as Happy Sun, Sad Sun, Really Sad Sun

Soigné the Blight on All Humanity as The Ugly Rat On the Wall

Some Random Guy We Pulled Off the Street as Penguin

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Quotes #7: You Haven’t Lived Until…

What do these (mostly) fine rats and cat think about that question?

“…You no longer have to work as a servant for your brother.”

Mojave the Annoying

“…You buy all of the items from the Sinai line of products, which includes everything from nail polish (siPawlisshe™) to clothing (SinaiSüt) to fun ways to stalk your friends, enemies, and frenemies (StokkerKam™)!”

Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything

“…You join my fan club!”

King Negev, Boss of You, Ruler of the World, and Master of the Universe

“…You’ve shed on every thing in your house.”

Olivia the Cat

“…Your sister stops spelling your name wrong and mispronouncing it, even after you made a ten-page booklet all about how to pronounce it. Also, she should stop calling you a ‘blight on all humanity’, especially if her last name happens to be ‘Blight’ as well.”

Soigné the Blight on All Humanity

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A Sinai Tale #5: Why You Should Take Any Siblings to the Mental Asylum as Soon as You Spot the Signs of Mental Disease Setting In (by guest author, King Negev, Boss of You, Ruler of the World, & Master of the Universe)

Please note: THIS IS A TRUE STORY. Thanks, and have a negevly day.

Once upon a time, there was a cute, rather large, tan-and-white (not the same as white-and-tan), attractive, silky, chubby, regal, handsome, soigné, charming, likable, sweet, kindly, plump, jiggly, clean, intelligent, lovable, smart, and humble genius of rat who unfortunately lived with his annoying, white-and-tan, crusty, greasy, and stinky brother. The tan-and-white rat was a king named Negev. He ruled the kingdom of Negevland. His brother (the white-and-tan one) was named Mojave. He was a servant in Negev’s castle.
Negev was a good king with a cute pink tail. All the citizens in his kingdom (population 126) loved him and never wanted him to leave. He was very kind and made sure none of his beloved subjects ever had to see his brother’s face, as he knew from personal experience that it caused nightmares and permanent mental scarring.
Mojave was a very cruel rat. He had sharp, pointy, unflossed teeth and a really bad case of halitosis. He never groomed his fur, which was why it was so greasy and straw-like. Also, his tail, instead of a sweet and charming rosy-pink, was a gross crusty dark brown. It was really quite unattractive, and Mojave never made an effort to cover it up.
Perhaps it was this gross and unappealing tail that caused Mojave to do what he ended up doing to his brother, the good and beloved king. Most rats in his place would have gotten plastic surgery to adjust the pigments in his tail, but Mojave was too cheap for plastic surgery. Besides, he wasn’t unhappy enough with the way he looked to go under the knife. Instead, he just wanted to take out his anger on some innocent soul (id est, his brother). And he didn’t want to just yell and scream furiously at Negev… no, he wanted more.
It all happened one fine air-conditioned day. Negev was playing with Mojave, even though it was against the rules of society and all of Negev’s kingly instincts to frolick with a lowly servant (even if they were related). Luckily (or unluckily), no one was there to see him degrade himself to the level of a lowly and smelly servant. The two brothers had been leaping on the furniture across the royal chambers. Because he was very agile, Negev found it easy to fly across the silk pillows and custom-made pawstools. Mojave, however, was used to grovelling on the floors and cleaning the latrines, so he was nowhere near Negev’s easy gliding way when it came to leaping across furniture. Angered even more, the ungrateful and cruel white-and-tan rat started to feel a need to carry out his wicked and vicious plan.
“Negev will want to marry my ‘crusty brown’ tail by the time I finish my plan,” said the evil and rather menacing rat, thinking of his very violent and messed-up plan.
Fueled by his demonic desires, Mojave saw the perfect opportunity arise just as he turned aroound in time to see Negev leaping off from a particularily low-seated wicker chair imported from Peru. Mojave chuckled normally (which, for him, was an evil cackle) and rushed forth.
“Hey Gevvy!” shouted the two-faced rat. “Nice moves! Your tail gives you great balance. I wonder what would happen if you didn’t have one, though.”
“Ayo, Momo,” replied the soaring rat. “I honestly don’t know. Good thing no one’s chopping off my tail anytime soon.”
With an evil glint in his eye, Mojave simply responded, “Or are they?” before jumping as high as he was able into the air and chomping down on his brother’s tail. “I’m sorry,” he said while sinking his teeth into the base of the beloved king’s tail. “I think I mispoke. I meant to imply that I was going to bite your tail, not chop it off.”
Negev wanted to say a lot of things, like how Mojave was definitely not getting a pay raise ever again, or how if Mojave had wanted to bite someone’s tail off, why not his own crusty brown one? However, the only thing he was able to get out of his vocal chords was “OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! THAT HURT ME TAIL REAL BAD!” He was in excruciating pain, and he knew he would probably die of blood loss and traitoroussiblingitis if someone did not find and help him. Mojave had already slunk away after biting Negev’s royal tail a couple more times, and the king was pretty sure it wasn’t to get help or even a little bandage, so it was just Negev alone for now. He sat in the empty royal chambers, wondering if someone would ever find him.


Negev eventually was rescued by his grandnanny, who had been near the royal chambers when she heard his shrill shriek. She rushed him to the Very Excellent Treaters Hospital (or V. E. T. Hospital), where he recieved four stitches for his tail, which never really healed. All the rest of his life, he had to live with an awful scar on his otherwise perfect pink tail. It almost made him jealous of Mojave’s gross, smelly, crusty, greasy, chunky, poop-colored, yet unscarred tail, but he still prefered his.

As for Mojave, he got put in jail, and was never allowed to be in the same room as Negev again. (Which made cleaning Negev’s room hard, but it was worth Negev’s safety.)

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