Tag Archives: Mojave

The Reason Why Negev Hates Penguins

Cast of Characters

Amazing Sweet Charming Rodent Who You All Love! ♥ – Negev
Clouds – Sinai’s Belly
Negev’s Drink – The Green Stuff that We Found On The Cheese This Morning
Penguin Who Must Be Killed For Its Crimes Against the King – Some Guy We Pulled Off the Street
Sun Whose Ears Continually Get Larger – Sinai
To Be Continued Rat – Also Sinai
Ugly Waste of Space – Mojave
Ugly Waste of Space’s Broom Bristles – Soigné

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How to Be Like Mojave As Taught By The Notoriously Annoying Rat Himself

Mojave 024

Me. I am not annoying at all, despite what Negev says about me.

Hello, there. It is Mojave. I know that my brother and his best friend, Sinai the Whatever Something-something Blight, have probably spread rumors about me and my good friend, Soigné being extremely annoying pains-in-the-tails. However, that is not true. If anyone is an annoying pain-in-the-tail, it has to be either Negev or Sinai. Their extremely distorted perspectives on life (example: Negev believing he is the king of the world) have caused them to act like crazy psychos, which they are, actually. Sometimes, Negev will steal my money because he believes it to be “me chucka-chucka right yo uggy brother.” And occasionally, Sinai will try to blackmail me into joining her fan club, which she believes is quite large, when in reality, the only members are her, Negev, her mother, and rats who she blackmails into joining.

Anyhow, I came here to write about how to be like me. It is really easy, actually.

Step 1.) Acquire a crazy psycho for a sibling.

Step 2.) Act like you normally do.

Step 3.) Wait for said crazy psycho to begin seeing you as the crazy psycho.

And that’s all there is to it! Yeah, so, if you really do want to lead a life like mine (you don’t), there it was.

p.s. I didn’t make up the title for this post.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Hot New Trend: Headlessness

What’s the hottest new trend for animals and humans around the world? Headlessness, duh! Headlessness is the act of being headless or at least trying to be headless.

034

Olivia had troubles trying to make her head disappear, so she finally gave up and pretended that she didn’t have one.

Headlessness is really hot now because being headless also means being faceless, and if you have an ugly face, then no one has to look at it! Also, no one has to comb their hair or put on make-up when they are headless, which is totally awesome because hair and make-up are very time-consuming activities. Also, if you are shy, you have an excuse to not make eye contact (because you don’t have any eyes)!

016

Headlessness also makes your body more streamlined, as proven by Sinai the Great in this picture. It also makes you look really cute. Warning: Being headless for more than five minutes may cause neck pain.

Surprisingly, Sinai’s sister, Soigné, is actually on board with this trend (for once). She usually sulks in a corner and totally shuns everyone, but for once, instead of sulking, she sulks headlessly! Amazing, right? Here are some pictures of Soigné being headless. Shocking.

122

Look at this big ball of white evilness. Just think of all the poor children rats she was probably eating that made her so fat.

wpid-2013-05-12-20.08.47.jpg

Sinai tried asking Soigné why she suddenly decided to try and be trendy to see if she could put an explanation on these pictures, but Soigné did not answer (which did not surprise Sinai, as Soigné hates to be social). Seeing as Soigné probably was trying to be a pain in the invisible head on purpose, Sinai decided to ignore her annoying sister and find other rats who were being headless. Here they are.

A rat with a "censored sign" in front of its face (which you can still see, by the way)

Mojave’s head is nowhere to be found. How strange. I know that it is certainly not behind that humongous theta!

If you wish to maintain a clean public image, you must make sure to groom all parts of you, even the parts no one should ever see. Like your pinky toe.

Can you see Dimples’ head? Because I sure can’t. Nope. Definitely not here.

016

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Well, guess what? This is not Sinai. This is Ianis, who happens to look very much like Sinai. Yes, this pictures looks an awful lot like the one of Sinai earlier in the post. However, it is of Ianis, and not Sinai, so it is not the same.

059

It’s Olivia, again! Here head must have disappeared properly this time. I wonder where it went. Not under the cat cap, obviously.

wpid-20121123192355.jpg

It’s Mojave… again. I wonder where his head keeps on going. Well, if there’s one place it can’t be, it’s inside that Yogies bag, eating dried yogurt!

Negev 003

You can’t see Negev’s head in this picture. Yes, there is something that resembles his head… but “resembles” is the key word. It isn’t his head, however precious it might be. (Very precious!)

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Ten Most Annoying People In The World According to Sinai

There are a lot of annoying people in the world. However, some are more annoying than others. Thankfully, Sinai has been kind enough to compile a list of the most annoying people she knows so that you never have to encounter them and their annoyingness. Sinai knows a lot of people, and from all these people, she has picked the following ten for the most annoying of them all. Do you know how irritating these people are? They are so annoying that Sinai wants to rip their faces off of them whenever she sees them. That is pretty annoying, you’ve got to agree. Note: Some of the people on this list are not… people.


THE TEN MOST ANNOYING “PEOPLE” IN THE WORLD

1.) Soigné Blight

145

Soigné is a very annoying rat. Not only is she the detestable white and black color, she also is white and black. And her name is hard to spell. Stupid French names! Also, Soigné is very disrespectful to her loving sister, Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything. Sinai will order Soigné to do something simple, like clean the entire house, yard, garage, and the garden shed in two hours, and Soigné will be a slacker and do only half that list. Ugh! Her lack of any good qualities and lack of trying to appear like she does puts this awful rat on the top of the list.

2.) Mojave Cheeziki
Mojave 024

Mojave is like Soigné… only male, and bigger. He is the brother of the amazing King Negev, Boss of You, Ruler of the World, and Master of the Universe, and, like his female counterpart, Mojave has absolutely no respect for his lovely brother! All he does is sit around in his green vest and act all sulky.

3.) Miley Cyrus’ Tongue

 

This tongue has obviously lost what mind it did have. Although, if I was in Miley Cyrus’ mouth, I would probably go crazy, too.

4.)  Kohl’s Saleswoman

Sinai doesn’t have a problem with the lady portraying the saleswoman, but she hates the lady being portrayed! She says, “She make me sick to me stomach. She remind me of creepy Old Navy mannequins. That is not a compliment.”

5.) Soigné

065

Yeah, I don’t know if I already said this, but Soigné is really annoying. Like, over-the-top annoying. She makes me sick.

6.) Honda #moneyprobzzz Man

Sinai couldn’t find a picture of this guy because apparently that commercial hasn’t been on as much as the other ones (thank Sinai), but he is still annoying….zzz. Just kidding. Sinai would never do anything as annoying as adding three z’s onto everything she sayzzz. #spellingprobzzz

7.) Justin Bieber

Did Justin poop his diaper again?! Sinai hates looking at his butt all the time and wonders why he even bother wearing pants when he doesn’t know how to wear them properly. He also has a habit of unnecessarily walking around shirtless because we obviously haven’t all seen enough of his body. Sinai says, “If anyone wants to see a cute butt, why don’t you all just look at mine? I don’t bother wearing pants, unlike certain people around here.”#justinprobzzz

8.) Bing

bingisnotgoogle

B.I.N.G.: Bing Is Not Google. Sinai hates Bing. Bing is a rip-off of Google. Bing sounds stupid when it is used repetitively. Bing has gotten 2600 likes on Facebook. 2600 is a tiny fraction of the amount of people actively using Facebook, which says something.

9.) Those Who Do Not Love Sinai

Look at this big ball of white evilness. Just think of all the poor children rats she was probably eating that made her so fat.

AKA: Soigné

10.) Restasis Doctor and Patient

Seeing this commercial makes Sinai cry and NOT IN A GOOD WAY. Although, I suppose that is kind of good, as it means that she won’t need Restasis! Sinai just hates those overly perfect people who coincidentally all have light grey-ish eyes (with the exception of ONE woman in the entire commercial). She also hates it when the doctor writes “Restasis” on her pad of paper. It’s just… annoying.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Sinai Tale #9: Why Science Is Evil

image

Science is bad because it is interrupting my holy and sacred nap time. THANKS A LOT, EVOLUTION FOR CREATING THIS CREATURE THAT CAN’T EVEN RESPECT ME AND MY BEAUTY SLEEP.

Science is evil. People make it seem all great and stuff, but really, it is terrible. Science is the reason why Sinai cannot just wish for more servant rats and see them magically appear. Science is the reason why Sinai is related to her awful sister, Soigné. Science is the reason why Sinai is related to her terrible sister, Soigné. And science is the reason Sinai is related to her disgusting sister, Soigné.

image

Curse you, science. Oh wait, I can’t do that. Science doesn’t let me curse people.

But the worst of all the things that science is responsible is this thing that is so horrifying that even Soigné looks like a cute bunny in comparison.

image

Oh science, how could you be so cruel? I can’t believe that you let this atrocity to happen!

Yes, science is the reason that the evil Mojoigné exists. If not for science, this vicious beast may have never been created… but alas, it has.

Mojoigné– a combination of the two worst siblings ever (Soigné and Mojave), is all thanks to a science experiment gone horribly wrong.

You see, one day, the ever so charming Sinai the Great, was feeling a bit peckish. However, her tiny pantry building (a meager 2000 square feet!), did not have the taste she was looking for. As Sinai really was craving a certain taste, she decided to combine what she did have. The very cute Sinai took some doughnuts, fried twinkies, french fries, waffle mix, sugar, whole milk, chocolate syrup, yogurt, and whipped cream, and headed for the kitchen. Halfway there, she remembered that it was being renovated (again, ugh), so she headed towards her sister’s laboratory, which had a hot plate.

When she reached the lab, her ugly sister came out to greet her. Soigné’s greedy eyes immediately saw the doughnuts, which she grabbed in a nanosecond. After grubbing around with her dirty and very unsanitary paws for a minute, she finally stole a glazed doughnut and one with sprinkles on it and handed the box to her annoying and equally gross friend, Mojave (who also happened to be the ungrateful brother of the wonderful King Negev, Boss of You, Ruler of the World, and Master of the Universe).

“Hey! Quit infecting my doughnuts, you filthy parasite!” screeched Sinai, seeing Mojave stick his greasy, dirty paws all over her doughnuts.

Mojave did not reply. He just stuffed a jelly doughnut in his fat, slobbery and needy mouth.

After wrestling with the disgustingly grimy duo, Sinai finally got the doughnuts back. She then went into the laboratory, took all the keys to it, and locked herself inside. She did not want or need the pair to suddenly burst in, grab her chocolate syrup and squirt it all over their already oily and dirty faces.

Sinai took all of her ingredients except for the donuts and shoved them into a test tube. After pondering for a while, Sinai finally decided on a powdered donut and shoved it in the test tube with her delicate and attractive paws. She did not really know how to use a hot plate, so she put the tube on it and waited for her donut to get even more golden brown.

The beautiful Sinai had been hearing scratching noises with her sensitive and acute hearing all this time, so she finally got up to check them out. After looking out a couple windows, the intelligent Sinai found the source: Soigné and Mojave had noticed that they had been locked out of the lab, and they wanted to come back in. Sinai could hear them wailing about how they never meant to take her doughnuts and were really sorry (likely story) even from inside.

Sinai was about to make a really rude gesture quite unlike her normal polite self at the two useless rats, but then she heard a loud explosion from the area that the hot plate was located in.

The lovely rat quickly rushed back to her test tube… only to discover a monster that came to be known as Mojoigné.

Mojoigné was like a nightmare come to life. It had Soigné’s ugly face, greasy black fur, and beady eyes for its head, but for its body, it had Mojave’s disgustingly flabby body with his straw-like and ungroomed fur sticking out in every direction. What was even worse, the Soigné part was completely unsaturated and GREY, while the Mojave part was a disgusting GREEN– the two rats’ favorite colors.

Sinai, despite being quite brave, was scared to her bones. “Aye yai yai,” she squeaked to herself. “Not only do I have to look at this terrifying thing, but I also did not get my food! I wonder how this thing evenhappened. I guess both Soigné and Mojave got their DNA all over my doughnut while they were rifling around the box, and the combination of different settings allowed this to happen. Well remind me to never combine those foods together ever again.”

The evil and angry Mojoigné turned to Sinai and growled, “Do you got any DOUGHNUTS?”

The trembling but courageous Sinai replied, “Try the box right next to the hot plate.”

“Me already eat them all. Now, where more?” Mojoigné angrily inquired.

“Um, there’s a doughnut shop down the road,” said Sinai (even though the doughnut shop was slightly further than that).

Luckily, Mojoigné was very dumb, like both his front and back parts. “Okay,” he grunted before crashing through a laboratory wall and effectively destroying the entire building. On the way to the doughnut shop, he stepped on both Mojave and Soigné (who were both shocked to see him).

To this day, Mojoigné roams across the country searching for doughnut shops that he can raid. So if you ever go to a donut shop and get stepped on by a giany, doughnut lusting monster, you will know whose fault it is for the creation of this terror: SCIENCE.

the end

P.S. In case anyone says anything… I never failed no test in skool! I didint fale no math, no history, no foreign lanuage, no science, no engliSh exam! So don’t believe nobody who say I do (if they say I do). **** $1N@! ****


Mojoigné isn’t real. He is just Sinai’s way of making herself feel better about failing her third grade science class years ago and also her way of making herself feel better than me. Don’t believe a word she said. ~ Soigné

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

WRITTEN BY NEGEV: Happy Birthday, Me (And My Brother, But He Doesn’t Count)!

Food 003

The birthday cake that Negev (and also Mojave, but he doesn’t count) got last year. Don’t worry, it’s not still sitting around. It got eaten last August.

Today is a very special day! It is the day that I, King Negev, Boss of You, Ruler of the World, and Master of the Universe, would have turned three (if I was still alive). I think my twin brother, Mojave the Annoying, would have also turned three this day. However, he doesn’t not count, so let’s focus on me!!!! I am such an amazingly precocious three year-old, don’t you know*? : DDD

As it is my birthday, today you will learn thirty-three amazing facts about me that you can tell all of your friends and impress them with (unless they read this post haha)!!! I will also acknowledge my useless brother by writing three facts about him that will probably not impress anyone because he is just not a very impressive rat.


 THIRTY-THREE AMAZINGLY IMPRESSIVE FACTS ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE RAT, NEGEV CHEEZIKI!

A sweet and adorable tan and white rat who has a piece of litter on his leg.

Pictured above: The birthday boy himself. How adorable. I know that I am somewhat biased, but… HEISSOCUTEANDIJUSTWANTTOHUGHIMTODEATHOHWAITHEISALREADYDEADSOITECHNICALLYCANTDOTHATOHWELLISTILLAMINLOVEWITHHIM!

  1. Negev’s full name is Negev Cheeziki.
  2. Negev’s favorite color is purple!
  3. Negev’s last name is Cheeziki.
  4. Negev has a desert named after him. (Some people say he was named after the desert, but that’s ridiculous. The desert was named after him.)
  5. Negev hates the color yellow because it is the opposite of purple.
  6. Negev’s name starts with the fourteenth letter of the alphabet.
  7. Negev’s first name ends with the twenty-second letter of the alphabet.
  8. Negev’s last name starts with the third letter of the alphabet.
  9. Negev’s name ends with the ninth letter of the alphabet.
  10. Negev’s initials are N.A.C.
  11. Negev’s middle name is “Amazing”
  12. Negev’s middle name starts with the first letter of the alphabet.
  13. Negev’s middle name ends with the seventh letter of the alphabet.
  14. Negev really hates the Y in ROYGBIV.
  15. Negev’s best friend is Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything, also known as Sinai Blight, also known as Sinai the Great, also known as Sinai.
  16. Negev has not been reincarnated as Sinai, despite what several rats think.
  17. Negev has a piece of litter on him in the picture above.
  18. Negev is tan and white.
  19. Negev is not white and tan.
  20. Negev is very cute.
  21. Negev is a big boy.
  22. Negev is very cuddly.
  23. Negev is unfortunate, as he has a most insufficient brother who does absolutely nothing to be a good brother.
  24. Negev’s name is five letters long.
  25. Negev has the letter “E” twice in his first name, and also twice in his last name.
  26. Negev is a genius.
  27. Negev’s IQ is 100! Amazing, right?!
  28. Negev is everyone’s favorite rat!
  29. Negev has his own fan-club with a whooping three members!
  30. Negev has whiskers on his face.
  31. Negev has fur on his face.
  32. Negev likes to eat food.
  33. Negev breathes using his lungs and the rest of his respiratory system.

THREE VERY UNIMPRESSIVE FACTS ABOUT THE BORINGEST RAT EVER, MOJAVE

A shining light in the background with this weird thing in the front (jk it's a rat)

The boringest rat ever. He happens to share the birthday of the beloved and highly esteemed King Negev.

  1. Mojave used to work in a traveling circus as a trapeze artist to pay his bills, as his current job (working as the all-purpose rat for his brother, Negev) hardly paid him anything.
  2. Mojave is named after the Mojave Desert because of his tan fur, like sand.
  3. Mojave was chosen by his owner before she decided to get Negev instead of another rat that she might have gotten.

 * Note from Mojave: Negev is only three in human years. In rat years, he is actually ninety, although you might not be able to tell from the way that he acts.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Fabulous Story Written By Negev That You Will Most Definitely Love!

Negev has yet to name this story, but he has decided to exclusively release it to the readers of his dear friend, Sinai’s blog! This is the final draft, so if anyone has any good ideas about what to name the story, it would be lovely if he or she could comment them. Negev is really stumped about that and would appreciate any help. By the way, Negev has already got an agent and a private publishing house, so, sadly, he does not need all of you loving fans to help him on getting it published.


Chapter I: The Cute and Funny Rat

Once upon a time, there be a cute and funny rat named Negev. He be cute and very funny, also cute!

Chapter II: How Cute The Cute and Funny Rat Was

He be very cute and quite funny as well. He be bursting at seams from all his cuteness and funniness!

Chapter III: Were Other Rats Jealous of This Extraordinarily Cute and Funny Rat

VERY MUCH.

Chapter IV: What The Jealous Rats Did

They wicked ones sent cute and very funny rat evil letters about how he need his earwax removed and what good a laser hair removal would do for him. Also things about his “bad credit scores.”

Chapter V: What the Cute and Funny Rat Did To Those Evil Jealous Rats.

Them heads got chopped off.

~ THE END ~


Some grass and a tan and white rat sitting on it.

About The Author

Negev is a charming tan and white rat currently living in his magic cloud castle with his brother/servant, Mojave. He does not like his brother, but he finds him quite useful in doing household chores. Negev has a major in English from The Negev School of Grammar. If you liked his story, send lots of money, presents, money, food, bars of gold, money, and money to 1 Desert Rd., Rattus, Cage. (Please no clothing or healthy stuff.)

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

The Second Best Day of the Year! (Written by Negev)

Well hello there all my loyal fans, obedient subjects, loving citizens, and horrid excuses for brothers *coughcoughMojavecoughcough* !! Today is a most wonderful day. It is the second best day of the year! It is my Early-By-One-Month Birthday Celebration! How exciting, am I right? It’s not every day that your favorite democratic monarch (as I am both the President of All Ratdom and the self-appointed King of the World) has his birthday in one month! (My awful brother also has his birthday in exactly one month, but he doesn’t count.)

image
Mojave is not only a disgrace to the family name; he is also a horrible mattress. He is way too small and bony for me to be comfortable when I sit on him.

As it is not my official birthday, you should not go all out on celebrating, as you must save the best gifts and the largest sums of money for my actual birthday (which, if you have not already guessed, is on August 4th). However, I do very much appreciate getting presents from my loving subjects and donations of money (cash or check, $9999.99 minimum donation), and it makes me quite happy.

image
Please do not send any gifts or money to my brother. He is too small (as you can clearly see above) to be worthy of all your love. By all means, send me what you were going to send to Mojave. I will appreciate it much more than he ever would.*

I have even noticed that the United States has chosen to acknowlege my greatness and have a day of celebration, complete with parades, races, and fireworks! How exciting. I am told (by none other than Mojave) that they are celebrating their “independence”, but obviously they can celebrate that (whatever “independence is. I’ve never heard of it. Perhaps it is a type of food? If so, I am quite interested. I love food.) and celebrate me and my Early-By-One-Month Birthday at the same time.

So far, I have not seen many other countries celebrating me, but I am quite certain everybody has planned a nice surprise party for me and they are going to throw it any time now. (Last year, it was cancelled for some strange reason, but I forget why.)


*If you do choose to disobey me and send gifts to Mojave, I am afraid that I will have no choice but to take all presents and execute you for disobeying the Laws of Negevland #482718009b: Thou shalt not send gifts or presents of any sort to the King’s disgraceful brother, Mojave Annoying Cheeziki, even when a gift appears to be appropiate, or thou shall face a minimum sentence of execution and maximum sentence of execution while being forced to watch home movies of Young Mojave Annoying Cheeziki doing obnoxious and offensive acts.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
%d bloggers like this: