Tag Archives: placing posteriors upon other surfaces

A Sinai Tale #13: The Rat Who Thought She Was More Important Than Her Sister (Even Though She Wasn’t) and What Happened to This Horribly Stuck-up Rodent

Soigné was a very ugly rodent child. She was white and black (ugh!) with normal-sized ears (ew!), buckteeth (nasty!), and a booger problem (disgusting!). She also smelled like the town dump.

Everyone acknowledged that Soigné was ugly. Well, not everyone really. Soigné didn’t think she was that ugly. In fact, she thought she was quite nice looking, even though she was obviously not.

Soigné had a rat sister whose name was Sinai. Sinai was the exact opposite of her sister. While Soigné could only speak in grunts, Sinai eloquently strung words together into beautiful examples of perfect English. Soigné’s belly was very small; Sinai’s was quite large and jiggly. And last of all, Sinai was internationally beloved by the masses, while Soigné couldn’t walk to the grocery store without getting tomatoes thrown at her head.

The horrible Soigné also had some behavioral problems. For example, she sometimes bit the paper-rat when he was too late delivering the paper (thus causing the paper-rat to not ever want to deliver it). She also occasionally stole clothing out of department stores and then blamed Sinai for her crimes. Sometimes, she even attempted to be in the same area of her more dignified sister, Sinai!

After a while, Sinai got sick of her sister acting like a crazy psycho, so she sat on her face, and all her Soigné-related troubles ended right there and then.

The end.

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Olivia Thinks About The World

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Olivia loves to sit on the floor and think about the world. She does it quite often, in fact. Usually, she contemplates about an hour or so a day, but occasionally, she will just spend an entire day thinking about bigger things, like why her owners never give her dinner on time.

Once upon a time, there was a very beautiful cat named Olivia who liked to think about the world. Sometimes, she thought about pollution, global warming, and politics, but mostly, she wondered why humans decided to name the place “Earth.” Olivia thought that that had to be one of the grossest sounding words she had ever heard (after dog, canine, and barking maniac, of course), and she had always been confused as to why all of the incredibly advanced humans who possessed the magical power of THUMZ chose that disgusting and repulsive sounding word for the name of the very planet they lived on. Why didn’t they name the place something more euphonious like, hmm perhaps… Oliviatopia? Or maybe Cutegingercatland? Even Sweetandadorablefelineplanet would have been a better choice. No matter how many times Olivia tried to ask her humans this very complex and deep-thought-proving question, they never answered/gave her an answer. However, this very smart orange tabby did draw one conclusion from the unexisting responses of her dear human friends, which was that Cat-Jesus obviously had punished them all for giving Earth such a disgusting sounding name by removing their most special ability: their understanding of the melodious and soothing-to-the-ear cat language. What a shame.

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How To Sit: As Written By Expert Sitter, Olivia Mewerly

I know it can be tough to sit. Sitting is so very, very hard. It is… quite challenging. I mean, you have to place your butt in a chair! That is so hard. Luckily, there are cats like me who are willing to teach less unfortunate cats/rats/people how to sit! I will even teach you how to sit in many different styles! Aren’t you lucky?! Don’t’ forget to thank me after you finish reading this informative article by sending me some delicious cat treats.

Method One: Sitting Like a Lady

Technically, I did not write this article. Some rat did. I forget what her name is. I think it is something like Sinner or something ’cause she is a very sinful rat. (She sneezes in my face all the time.) Anyways, here is a picture of me sitting like a lady.

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I look so good when I sit in this extremely proper way. Oh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh….

Method Two: Looking Like You Are About To Mark Your Territory

Simply lie on your stomach and lift up your tail so it sticks up in the air. This works best when your but is right next to something that you might want to mark as your own.

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Yes, I know that is a painting of me in the background. It might seem weird that I want to mark that, but it’s a painting of me, you know.

Method Three: The Criss-Cross

Curl up like you are going to go to sleep. (You can go to sleep when you sit like this, but make sure you do that after you cross your legs.) Take your front legs and cross them over your back ones to form a plus sign. Ta da!

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Look at me! I’m asleep, and I’m still doing the Criss Cross! I’m such a clever cat. : 3

Method Four: Keep Your Tail From Flying Away

Tails are very important parts of our bodies. Sometimes, they fly away in the wind, but you don’t want that to happen to your tail. Therefore, you must keep a careful paw on your tail at all times so that it does not detach itself from your spine.

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I know that I am inside in this picture, but you know, houses have drafts. I don’t want to lose my tail.

Method Five: The Fashionista

You will look like you really care about fashion if you fall asleep with your furbrush sitting on top of you. Basically, you place your furbrush on you when you are awake, and then you fall asleep. While you are asleep, make sure to not move, or else you might kick it off of you, and then that would be so sad, wouldn’t it?

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My furbrush matches my beach towel with fish on it. Did I mention that I am a clever cat?

Method Six: I’m Being An Armadillo

This is a simple one. You curl up like you are going to fall asleep and then tuck your head into your body so that the silhouette of your body is pretty much an oval/circle.

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I am so circular in this picture. The only problem is that my ear is sticking out. Maybe I should get it folded so it doesn’t do that. Or maybe not. I don’t want to look like one of those ridiculous Scottish Folds.

Method Seven: The Paw Crimp

You must place your paws in front of your body to do this sit. It is actually quite easy. You can sit as awkwardly as it goes as long as you crimp your paws. Look at the picture of me below for ideas on how to crimp them.

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Make sure it looks physically impossible. Also, I am a clever cat. Did I already say that?

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Proof That Soigné is Trying to Murder Sinai? (According to Sinai, At Least)

For some strange reason, Sinai the Great, despite being the most powerful rat alive, has always had this creeping feeling in the back of her adorable and very large and not at all hard head that her so-called “sister”, Soigné, has always been plotting to kill her. She’s never been able to prove it… until now, apparently. Sinai has been taking clues from Soigné’s “suspicious and very reckless behavior”, and now believe fully that her sister is actually a secret agent from a different universe set out to murder her and take over the UNIVERSE. (Because, as you know, Sinai the is self-appointed Divine Ruler of Everything, which includes the universe.)

Sinai has been trying to find a proper bodyguard to protect her from her vicious and plotting “sister”, but unfortunately, her only personal employee is… Soigné. Which doesn’t really help when the rat she wants to protect herself from happens to be the only rat currently working for her. (Sinai could try and hire some new rats, but she says she wouldn’t trust them, because who knows if they are also secret agents for either the same universe that Soigné comes from, or even yet another that wants to conquer hers? No one, that’s who. Well, except for the possible new employees. But it’s not like Sinai would be able to trust what they would say, as who knows what their origins are?)

Anyhow, Sinai is very concerned about her life, and she feels very threatened. But is she justified? You’ll have to decide that for yourself.


WHY SINAI THINKS THAT HER SISTER IS TRYING TO MURDER HER: THE PICTURES

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Sinai was just trying to pose for the camera when her demented murderess of a sister tried to carry out her evil plans. Luckily, Sinai has quick reflexes. (Of course, she wouldn’t need them if her sister wasn’t a freaky blood lusting assassin.)

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Here is Sinai, trying to sit down and enjoy some relaxation. Unfortunately, Soigné had to interfere again… by shoving her knife-like snout at Sinai’s nether-regions. Disgusting. Not to mention the fact that Sinai never ever said that she actually wanted to sit on Soigné’s grimy face in the first place.

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Side view of previous picture. You can see that Sinai is hanging onto the cage bars for support. Poor little dearie. She’s such a kind and loving sister who has never wrongfully accused Soigné of anything, and now look what Soigné has done to show her gratitude. SHE MADE SINAI SIT ON HER.

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This is not Soigné grooming Sinai. This is Soigné attempting to perform the death bite on Sinai’s poor, innocent neck. Boo hoo hoo. Again, this is not Sinai being groomed, if that’s what you think it is. It most certainly is not. Sinai said that she is not being groomed in this picture, and Sinai has not lied a day in her life, and she certainly is not planning to start now.

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Sinai survived that traumatic experience, but unfortunately for her, Soigné is a very stubborn rodent who wants what she wants and is willing to do anything to get it. As you can see, she is trying to strangle Sinai with her disgusting and filthy monochromatic tail in this picture.

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Here, Soigné is pointing her snout up. This is obviously proof of her malicious intentions because she is pointing her snout up. And pointing snouts up is terrible because they point up. If someone points his or her snout up, it is a clear sign that said rat wants to murder you in your sleep.

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This is a shot of Soigné’s mouth with teeth visible. If she is comfortable with showing her teeth, she is probably comfortable with using them to bite innocent rats’ throats.

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This is quite obviously a picture of Soigné attempted to flatten Sinai by sitting on her. I don’t know why Soigné has this weird obsession with rats sitting on other rats, but it’s quite likely she learned it from her Assassins Anonymous community group.


So what do you think? Should Sinai be legitimately scared for her life, or is she just overreacting? Tell us your thoughts in the comments below.

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The Book of Sinai Entry #3

Dear Book of Me,

Today I sat on Soigné. Then I sat on Soigné. After that, I sat on Soigné. I sat on her for a very long period of time. Then she sat on me! Just kidding, I sat on her. Ha ha. While I was sitting on Soigné, I ate my food. It was very good, but not as good as sitting on Soigné. I find it to be very enjoyable and relaxing to sit on Soigné. Do you know what is also very fun to do? Sitting on my sister. It is soothing and relaxes me after a long day of sitting on Soigné.

Yours sitting on Soigné,
SINAI THE GREAT, DIVINE RULER OF EVERYTHING (WHICH INCLUDES SITTING ON SOIGNÉ)

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I also sat on this lamp. Sitting on Soigné was funner, though.

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