Tag Archives: relatives

An Interview With She Who Does Not Deserve To Be Interviewed

Today, Sinai was feeling quite interview-ish. Following her urges, she decided to do an interview. However, there was no one fun to interview around. Negev was up somewhere disciplining his brother, and Ianis was busy telling rats that she was not Sinai. That left her only one option for who to interview, and that was She Who Does Not Deserve To Be Interviewed., who is a terrible rat for interviewing. When you finish reading this, you will completely understand why Sinai would have preferred to not have to interview She Who Does Not Deserve To Be Interviewed.


Sinai the Great: Hello… Siognè, I think? Isn’t that how you spell your name?

She Who Does Not Deserve To Be Interviewed: No.

STG: Yeah, whatever. Tell me all of your deepest secrets.

SWDNDTBI: Why would I do that?

STG: Because I am only the greatest and most wonderful rat to ever grace this universe! Also, I believe I am remotely related to you, and therefore, we are family. Because we are family, you tell me all of your deepest secrets.

SWDNDTBI: Fine. But first you tell me all of your deepest secrets, sister.

STG: Eww! No way! Just because I’m related to your disgusting filthiness doesn’t mean I have to tell you all of my secrets. However, you do, Siognè.

SWDNDTBI: …Why would that rule apply to me and not you?

STG: Because I say so. Now, tell me your secrets.

SWDNDTBI: No.

STG: Alright, if you’re not going to tell me all of your deepest secrets, you have two options. One, be exiled to a deserted island in the middle of the ocean where you will never be able to contact your friends and family (except for me) again, or, two, be put under the guardianship of my atrocious sister, Soigné, who will make you wish that you were on a deserted island. Which do you choose?

SWDNDTBI: You do realize that I am your “atrocious sister” Soigné?

STG: No you’re not. You’re Siognè, also known as She Who Does Not Deserve To Be Interviewed. Although, you do act and look remarkably like that rat whose name I would prefer not to mention.

SWDNDTBI: No, I’m your sister.

STG: How many times do I have to say this? You’re only remotely related to me. That means that you can’t be my sister. You’re either my first cousin, twice removed, or you’re my granduncle.

SWDNDTBI: How could I be your granduncle? I’m a lady, and I’m not even that old!

STG: You are not female, and most certainly not a lady. You are unisex. Also, you are actually quite old. You just used a lot of Botox to cover up your saggy wrinkles. You don’t remember because you are suffering from mild Alzheimer’s.

SWDNDTBI: No I am not. I know my body more than you do.

STG: I am all knowing. You are not.

SWDNDTBI: But you are not me.

STG: Why would I want to be you?

SWDNDTBI: I never said that you would want to be me.

STG: Yes you did, O Terrible Liar Named Siognè.

SWDNDTBI: That is not my name! Stop calling me that!

STG: Please stop throwing a hissy fit, or I will be forced to call the police on you.

SWDNDTBI: I am not throwing a hissy fit! I am simply telling the truth!

STG: Alas, it appears that you will not relent. I am calling the police right now. Please do not break any of my furniture. It is quite expensive, and brand-new.

SWDNDTBI: No it isn’t! You got this stuff from Ikea years ago!

STG: La la la, I can’t hear you. Oh, hello officer!

Police Officer (on the phone): Hello, what is your problem, sir?

STG: Um, excuse me! I am a lady! Not a sir!

PO (OTP): Sorry, sir… I mean, ma’am. Can you please tell me what your problem is, sir… ma’am.

STG: Yes, officer. You see, this horrid rodent named Siognè has been throwing a terrible hissy fit for the last hour–

SWDNDTBI: I am not throwing a hissy fit!

STG: Yes you are. Anyhow, officer, this disgusting rat has been causing me to become agitated and is very distracting. I have asked her to stop, but she just insists that she isn’t throwing a hissy fit and continues being distracting. If you could kindly take her to jail, where she can’t distract me, that would greatly please me.

PO (OTP): I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t arrest a rat just for throwing a hissy fit. It’s not in the law books.

STG: Yes you can.

PO (OTP): I can’t just disobey the law… I’m part of the law enforcement force, do you realize that, sir?

STG: Ma’am. Believe me, officer, it is not against the law to arrest a rat for throwing a hissy fit, especially when its name is Siognè.

PO (OTP): …Since when?

STG: Two minutes ago.

PO (OTP): Hold on a second. How do you know what laws are passed within a couple minutes.

STG: I know everything.

SWDNDTBI: No you don’t! I’m not throwing a hissy fit!

PO (OTP): Um, who is that in the background? And you can’t really know everything. That is impossible.

STG: No one. And it is not. I am the smartest rat to ever walk this universe.

PO (OTP): Who do you think you are? Sinai the Great? She’s so conceited and stuck-up; why would you want to be her?!

STG: What is your name, officer?

PO (OTP): …Signe Naivings… why do you ask?

STG: Okay, first of all, your first name is not on The List: Names Citizens of the Sinai Empire May Name Their Children. Neither is your last name. And Sinai is not conceited or stuck-up. She is a very humble and modest rat.

PO (OTP): Who actually obeys those lists? And the only rat who believes that she is humble is Sinai herself.

STG: What is your address, cell phone, home phone, email, Pawbook, Squeaker, Instarat, credit card number, date of birth, and social security?

PO (OTP): Why do you need to know this?

STG: Just tell me it all.

SWDNDTBI: Don’t do it, officer!

PO (OTP): Who are you, anyways.

STG: A very humble rat. Now tell me all of your personal information. Also, fax me your driver’s license.

PO (OTP): Okay, this is just really creepy. I am not arresting whoever that rat who was throwing a hissy fit was, and I am most certainly not telling you all of my sensitive information. [hangs up]

STG: Oh, well, I can still get her arrested. I’ll just arrest all of the Signe Naivings that are living under the Empire!

SWDNDTBI: You don’t have that authority. The real government only lets you get away with thinking that you run the place because they think that you are mentally insane and do not want you to go mad and burn down all of the federal buildings.

STG: Shut up, Siognè.

The next day, eleven rats named Signe Naivings were given life sentences for “disrespecting the boss.” Sadly, the police officer lied about her name on the phone, which meant that she got away, while eleven innocent rats were left to spend the rest of their lives in jail cells. Also, a completely unrelated rat whose true name was kept hidden (but was called Siog publicly) was dragged to a local mental asylum where she was given her own private room padded with pillows that had Sinai the Great’s divine face embroidered on them.

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