9 May 2012 – 21 July 2014
I am having trouble wondering why I should ask you for advice. Everyone I know says you are a huge phony who thinks she is the queen of an imaginary kingdom. Could you please give me reassurance for your advice-giving abilities?
– Doubtful Reader
All of these snobs are lying! My kingdom isn’t imaginary (just ask Soigne, my all purpose servant rat). Also, I’m not the queen. I’m the Divine Ruler of Everything, which means I am all powerful
and would like to know the names of these liars so I may execute them. If you’re wondering why you haven’t ever heard of my title, it’s because it’s only awarded to the most humble rats who won’t brag about it. I am a very modest rat, as you very well know, so of course I was the first choice.
– SINAI THE GREAT
I hear you want to talk like your dear idol, Sinai the Great. At first, it may seem hard to sound like this dear rodent child, but it is actually not that hard. All you have to do is read this helpful guide and follow along like the
obedient brain-washed minion loving wannabe Sinai you are.
1. You gots have bad grammar!
Grammar is horrible. It has absolutely no use in this world. In fact, it might even be worse than Soigné… and that’s not a comparison made lightly. Say no to grammar and yes to Sinai by disrespecting common grammar rules in your speech!
“Grammar be horriblest! No use has it in world of this! Fact, might it is worse then Soigné which not be light made comparison. To grammar say no yes to Sinai and disrespecting common grammar rules on speech!”
– Example Rat
2. Spel bhad o-ckay?
This part is really not noticeable in speech, but when you write stuff down, it really improves your writing. Since you probably are not able to spell many words of more than three syllables (possibly less, depending on your education), this won’t be too hard. Just make sure to turn off spell-check; that thing is the progeny of Soigné.
“Thiss partt iz reley naut notisabull in speach, bhut wen yu rite stuph daun, itt reley impruves yore riting. Sinss yu prabublee r naut abull tu spel menny werdz uv moar then 3 sillabullz (posiblie less, dependeen on yore edyukashun), thiss woent bea tu hard. Jussed mayk shor tu tern off spel-chek; thatt theen iz the projiny ov Swanyay.”
– Eggzampill Rhat
3. R@nd0mly r3pl@ce letter$ w1th num83rs/$ymbo!s
By randomly replacing letters with numbers and symbols, you are effectively making your text harder to read, which is good.
We couldn’t make anything too easy for you subordinate pawns, after all.
“8y r@nd0mly r3pl@c1ng l3tter$ w1th num83r$ & $ymbo!s, y0u @re 3ffect1vely ma&1ng y0ur t3xt h@rder t0 read, wh1ch !$ 90od. N0th!ng h3re.”
– Ex@mpl3 Ra+
4. Insert, like, lots of, um, annoying, uh…, filler words.
You want to cause great anger and frustration to anyone who is listening to you talking, right? So slip a couple (read: several) filler words into your speech, and you will make their eardrums bleed! Words to consider using: like, um, uh, eh, hm, you know, ah, er, literally, actually
“You, like, want to, uh, cause, um, great anger and, er, frustration to anyone who actually is, like, listening to you, uh, talking, right. So, like, slip a couple (read:several) filler words in, like, your speech, and you, uh, will make their, um, eardrums bleed! Literally! Words to consider, um, using: like, um, uh, eh, hm, you know, ah, er, literally, actually (aka: MY FAVORITE WORDS!)”
– Like, Example Rat
“Hello small subordinate citizens; it be me, Sinai Blight! Me is destined to be better than all of you puny funny looking things combined, so you better kneel down and bow to me!”
– Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything
As you may or may not know, there is a Sinaiday in two days! (You actually better know this, because if you don’t, you will be executed by the state for not respecting Sinai.) It is the all-amazing Pre-Monthly Sï Half Day. In preparation for this lovely day, Sinai has created a fun poll for you to answer. You better answer good because if you don’t, you will be
executed by the state hugged…by Soigné, which is not good! (In fact, it is worse than being execute by the state. And by the way, that is still legal in Sinailand. So it actually could happen. But luckily, it won’t, since you are a Sinai-loving obedient citizen, am I right?)
What’s the hottest new trend for animals and humans around the world? Headlessness, duh! Headlessness is the act of being headless or at least trying to be headless.
Olivia had troubles trying to make her head disappear, so she finally gave up and pretended that she didn’t have one.
Headlessness is really hot now because being headless also means being faceless, and if you have an ugly face, then no one has to look at it! Also, no one has to comb their hair or put on make-up when they are headless, which is totally awesome because hair and make-up are very time-consuming activities. Also, if you are shy, you have an excuse to not make eye contact (because you don’t have any eyes)!
Headlessness also makes your body more streamlined, as proven by Sinai the Great in this picture. It also makes you look really cute. Warning: Being headless for more than five minutes may cause neck pain.
Surprisingly, Sinai’s sister, Soigné, is actually on board with this trend (for once). She usually sulks in a corner and totally shuns everyone, but for once, instead of sulking, she sulks headlessly! Amazing, right? Here are some pictures of Soigné being headless. Shocking.
Sinai tried asking Soigné why she suddenly decided to try and be trendy to see if she could put an explanation on these pictures, but Soigné did not answer (which did not surprise Sinai, as Soigné hates to be social). Seeing as Soigné probably was trying to be a pain in the invisible head on purpose, Sinai decided to ignore her annoying sister and find other rats who were being headless. Here they are.
Mojave’s head is nowhere to be found. How strange. I know that it is certainly not behind that humongous theta!
Can you see Dimples’ head? Because I sure can’t. Nope. Definitely not here.
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Well, guess what? This is not Sinai. This is Ianis, who happens to look very much like Sinai. Yes, this pictures looks an awful lot like the one of Sinai earlier in the post. However, it is of Ianis, and not Sinai, so it is not the same.
It’s Olivia, again! Here head must have disappeared properly this time. I wonder where it went. Not under the cat cap, obviously.
It’s Mojave… again. I wonder where his head keeps on going. Well, if there’s one place it can’t be, it’s inside that Yogies bag, eating dried yogurt!
You can’t see Negev’s head in this picture. Yes, there is something that resembles his head… but “resembles” is the key word. It isn’t his head, however precious it might be. (Very precious!)
Sinai is very squished in the picture above. I wonder how that might have happened. Might her sister, Soigné, shoved her against the cage bars? It’s a possibility.
“Me don’t know why no one can understand why I hate my sister, Soigné. I mean, first of all, her name is impossible to spell. I only managed to spell it after checking her birth certificate nine times. I can never get whether the o is supposed to go before the i, or the i before the o. And then there’s that e. It is so annoying. I can never get which accent to put on it. I wish that she would just change her name to something more friend (like Iluvsinai), or even get a nickname so I don’t have to write that horrible name out whenever I refer to her without using pronouns or indirect references. Then she goes and shoves me against the cage bars when she wants to sit somewhere, which is very rude, because I am always there first. Me also don’t like her ugliness. She is, like, white and black. That is so ugly. Doesn’t she know that black and white have been the hot colors ever since May 9, 2012? (Coincidentally, that day is also my birthday.) Then she smells funny. She smells like my poop. (Just so you know, me don’t poop on her. I know it seems like I do, but I don’t. Really. I don’t lie.) Eww, right? And… yup, that’s all.”
– Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything