Tag Archives: theft

Seven Thoughts Sinai Would Not Think

What does Sinai think about? You will probably never know the answer to that question (as you are not Sinai), but you can know what Sinai wouldn’t think, which is almost as good as knowing what she does think. Here are seven thoughts that you’d never catch floating around in Sinai’s massive and very intelligent brain.

“White and black fur is better than black and white fur.”
Sinai would never think this because that would mean that she would be calling her sister, Soigné, more attractive than her own divine self, and that is a lie. Sinai is a very honest rat (she is more honest than Lincoln and Washington combined) and cannot tell a lie.

“White and black fur is the same as black and white fur.”
This is even worse than the previous thought because it is a known fact that beautiful black and white fur is not the same as disgusting white and black fur. It is a horrible crime to distort the truth even if only in one’s mind, and this is exactly what this thought is doing.

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Pictured above: A beautiful black and white rat (left) and a vile white and black white (right). You can clearly see how these different colors are exactly that– DIFFERENT.

“I am very stuck up and people only put up with me because my sister tells them to so.”
Sinai is not stuck up at all. In fact, she is very humble. And modest. And cute. And charming. And funny. And smart. And witty. And sweet. And lovable. And hilarious. And the envy of the town. And beautiful. And adorable. And stunning. And soft-furred. And popular. And intelligent. But mostly humble. Also, why would people not like her?

“Sometimes, I kind of overdoes when using adjectives and describing words and end up using fourteen when two would suffice.”
WHY, THIS IS POSTIVELY RIDICULOUS! It is also stupid, messed-up, a filthy lie, disgusting, poppycock, absurb, preposterous, unreasonable, outrageous, ludicrous, the work of Soigné, shocking, and insane thinking! Sinai never overdoes her adjectives.

“Meow.”
Sinai is not a cat, nor does she wish to be a cat, so naturally, she should not think cat sounds.

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This is a cat, also known as what Sinai is not.

“I under-appreciate my sister, Soigné and should try to be a better sistet in the future who values her more and puts her down less. Also, I should stop paying her such a bad salary and not force her to work as a servant at my royal palace.”
1.) Soigné CHOOSES to donate much of her very large salary to a charity that helps rats with names that begin with an S and rhyme with NaiNai, so that is Soigné’s choice. 2.) Sinai does not want to force Soigné to work, but Soigné was sentenced to life servitude at the palace of Sinai due to a very serious crime she committed (stealing an air particle from Sinai’s personal bubble). It was that or the death penalty. 3.) Soigné doesn’t have any value, so how can Sinai value her more?

“CELERITER LABORA ANCILLA!”
Sinai does not know Latin, so how can she think it? (Although, if she did know it, she’d be thinking and saying this all day long.)

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BREAKING NEWS: Soigné’s Evil Plot to Ruin the Tails OF THE WORLD Revealed (not yet confirmed)

Please Note: The following story includes pictures of rats without colorful tails. If you have a weak stomach, you may want to refrain from this very graphic story. If you are okay with reading about and viewing one color tails, you may continue.

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Soigné attempts to endear others by sleepily stating an ego-booster that might not be quite true for the axe murderer she just saw rob a bank and steal a child’s candy (who she did not stop). It still doesn’t distract from the lack of different colors on her butt appendage.

As you may know, Sinai has a sister. Sinai loves her sister very much. Sinai tries to think of Soigné, her beloved sister, as a good rat, but Soigné doesn’t try very hard to prove Sinai right. Sinai has repeatedly asked her darling sibling to not act so creepy and disturbing around Sinai’s equally beloved and darling subjects, but Soigné either can’t stop having a disturbing one color tail (which is what makes her so creepy and unappealing)… or she doesn’t want to stop. (We suspect the latter.) Because of this, no one in Sinai’s entire large and very vast kingdom wants anything to do with the Divine Ruler’s sister. Which is sad because Soigné really is a good rat once you get past her unusual tail.

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Just look at that disgusting tail. I can’t even look at it for more than ten seconds without puking. (Note: The tail I am talking about is the lighter, less colorful one. Not the very attractive multi-colored one.)

Unfortunately, Soigné also seems unable to acknowledge the fact that multi-colored tails are hot this season, and that the last time boring tails like her own were popular was in freaking 2012. (Which was very long ago, as you all know.) Because of this, she makes disturbing, controversial, scandalous, and questionable comments about tails. Often, she remarks about the “ridiculousness” of the multi-colored tail (which is actually the point of high fashion) and makes excuses for why she can’t dye her tail, wear a tail-covering over her own, or just get plastic surgery to have it changed to be more appealing. Sinai has even offered to give her a full 1% discount on some siPawlisshe™ so that Soigné can paint her tail pretty colors (like Pupey™). (Naturally, Soigné refused the very kind and generous offer.) Because of the fact that Soigné is so unwilling to change to be more fashionable, we can only conclude one thing: Soigné wants the world to change to be more unfashionable.

Now, I know this is very hard to understand, but there is logic involved. Sinai explains it to us in a quote.

“My sister does not want to change her tail to be more appealing to society. She is too lazy to do that. Instead, she wants society to change to be more appealing to her tail. Most likely, she has created a secret army of rats who all have tails of one color. She will probably attack soon. This is why I have increased the defense spending from .001% of the budget to .002%. I really hope this will help save us from my sister.”

Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything (in an interview for Lulu Imnotlyingson’s Accurate Reading, or L.I.A.R.)

We can only hope that Soigné secret army is very small and not at all powerful. (And that they are very bad about keeping secrets.) Sinai says that any rats found to be in it will be tried for treason and fashion crimes (if they turn themselves in, they will only be charged with fashion crimes, and if they have juicy information on Soigné’s little army of traitors, then they will only have to go to court for minor outfit infringements). However, there is no knowing what might happen, so cross your paws and be glad that you were born with a multi-colored tail.


Answer to A Very Brief Quiz: There is no answer. If you answered it, then you failed.

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How! To! Annoy! The! Heck! Out! All! Of! Your! Friends!

Ever been really annoyed by what a friend of yours did and want to give them a tate of their own medicine, only to find out that you are incapable of bejng irritating? Well I have. Here are some easy tips to make you the least popular rat in your town.

Tip One: Speak in some exaggerated accent that is obviously not your natural one. This won’t work unless you never close your mouth and keep it up for over a day. You should also try interrupting random rats with your ridiculous and very annoying accent. Not only will people be angry at you for cutting into their conversation, but they will also not like that you can’t at least talk normally, even when they ask you to please stop.

Tip Two: Pretend that any table you sit at is your own personal drum set. A lot of rats like listening to drums, but not when they’re trying to finish a paper for a deadline later that day. They also especially do not like it when the drummer refuses to stop the aggravating act that they are committing even after being asked several times. (Which means that you must act completely indifferent from the world when you use this tip.)

Tip Three: Act like you have the worst memory in the world. After someone has to tell you where the bathroom is twenty-three times, they tend to not be so fond of you. Especially when you then continue to ask if they have sinks in the bathroom, or will you need to walk about with germy hands the rest of dat?

Tip Four: If You Are Texting Someone Or Writing A Paper Capitalize The First Letter Of Each Word And Ditch Punctuation Since No One Actually Needs Punctuation To Read Anything Or Even Understand And Comprehend What Someone Has Written Right Am I Correct Also Sometimes You Might Want To Try Putting Exclamation! Points! Or! Question? Marks? After? Every? Word? Even If They Are Considered To Be Punctuation This Is Very Annoying As You May Have Noticed And It Will Definitely Help You To Lose All Your Friends And Make Several New Enemies Hope This Helps Thanks Bye

Tip Five: Steal all of your friends’ stuff. Take strangers’ stuff, too. This will make you really unpopular real quick.

Tip Six: Creepily walk up to random rodents and stand behind them. If they ask why you’re standing behind them, pretend that you don’t have any idea what they are talking about and continue to stand behind them.

Tip Seven: Find something that no one likes and become obsessed with it. You must live through your new obsession and relate everything anybody says to this and wear only fan apparel for your newfound love. Also, while you’re at it, if you are obsessed with a celebrity or other rat, stalk them. Not physically, since that’s illegal, but you can legally plague their Twitter with disturbing messages about how you want to have their babies or fill your Instagram with photoshopped pictures of you and the rat you are obsessed with and email them the link fifty-seven times.

Tip Eight: Act like a know-it-all. You must make sure everyone has heard about your latest grade multiple times before you feel good about yourself.

Tip Nine: Make some really unfunny jokes (Why did the chicken not cross the road? He didn’t want to) and then start laughing at your own unentertaining jokes. When no one joins you ib chuckling, complain about how everyone is mean to you. When someone starts to laugh, complain about how they’re laughing at you and not your joke. Continue to misinterpret others’ actions and words until they don’t want to even pretend to be nice to you.

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