Tag Archives: thumbs

How to Be a Great Ledge-Balancer!

Right now, standing on a 3″ wide ledge half a foot off the ground might sound kind of scary to most sensible rats. Luckily, you do not have to be very scared at all! All you have to do is learn how to be a great ledge-balancer, and there will be nothing to fear ever again. (Note: “Nothing” does not include any of the following: Soigné, rats with white and black fur, Sinai’s sister, white and blackness, ugly rats, greasy white and black fur, Swanyay.)

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Soigné can balance on a ledge… why can’t you?! Come on, don’t let a loser like Soigné look better than you at something as simple as balancing on a ledge. LEARN TO BE A GREAT LEDGE-BALANCER TODAY.


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1. First, you must find a ledge to practice on. You can’t balance on a ledge without a ledge, duh! That’s like being alive without adoring and loving and worshiping and wanting to be Sinai! (Note: It may be a problem to get this ledge if your human does not understand rat language and therefore can’t carry it for you to your cage.)

2. Now that you have found a ledge, get someone to install it. You should probably get your human to do it because all humans, as you know, possess a special magic known as “THUMZ.” This allows them to use their paws in ways that you, sadly… can not.

3. Okay, now you are ready to begin! Just kidding, you are not. If you want to be safe and not kill yourself while practicing, you should buy a SINAI Mattress with SINAIFOME, a unique new material that will make sure that if you fall on it, you only suffer minor injuries (i.e. breaking your tail-bone) rather than the major ones (i.e. bruising your tail). You should get king size just in case you have a wide fall.

4. Now you really are ready to begin. Get someone to help you up onto the ledge/hold the camcorder so they record you falling and post it online, causing you embarrassment for the rest of your life.

5. If you are on the ledge, you have to act fast. Stick your tail out to steady yourself, and make sure to dig your claws in so you don’t fall off. (Note: Sinai will not pay for damages if you get stuck on the ledge because you stuck your claws in way too far.)

6. Continue to practice every day, and see how long you can last on the ledge. If you improve, congratulations, you will soon become a great ledge-balancer! Maybe you will even be able to sleep on your ledge, like certain adorable, lovable, worship-able, and want-to-be-able rats can.

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I’m not suggesting any adorable, lovable, worship-able, and want-to-be-able rat in particular. Just saying.

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Oh, Sinai!

Sinai is a very nice, charming, cute, funny, sweet, lovable, beautiful, wonderful, remarkable, hilarious, witty, intelligent, smart, kind, friendly, soft, furry, chubby, chuckle-worthy, sinailicious, delightful, fair, lovely, stunning, respectful, responsible, peaceful, likable, fantastic, fabulous, brilliant, fashionable, hard-working, clean, neat, amazing, awesome, cool, generous, graceful, terrific, one-of-a-kind, gracious, thankful, trustworthy, unique, incredible, extraordinary, and humble rat (as described by her). However, for even the rat just short of perfection (AKA SINAI), there are times when you just need to say, “Oh, [insert name of rat here]!”, and not because you think they did an excellent job of completing a task.

 

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“Oh, Sinai! Why do you have to bathe yourself in front of me? Have you no conception of personal space?”

This does not happen very often, as Sinai is pretty much perfect. The only thing that prevents her from being perfect is the fact that she has no thumbs. And without thumbs, she can’t do a lot of things, which includes being perfect. Alas.

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Oh, Sinai! Why can’t you drink your water like a normal rat? Probably because you have no thumbs. Well, then, I don’t blame you. I probably would drink my water abnormally if I had no thumbs.

Pretty much everything Sinai does that is not perfect can be explained with the statement “she has no thumbs”, except for the one time that she accidentally told Soigné that she loved her. That was because Soigné’s evil demon thumbs (yes, Soigné has thumbs) told poor thumbless Sinai that she would receive thumbs (and therefore become perfect) if she only said “I love you” to Soigné just once. Naturally, Sinai really wanted thumbs, and she didn’t care if she only had to say “I love you” to Soigné once. However, Soigné’s thumbs were playing a cruel prank on Sinai, and they taped her telling Soigné that she loved her, which they uploaded online. All of Sinai’s fans thought that she loved Soigné, and it took Sinai nine months to clear up any doubt in her un-love for her sister. (Also, she never did get those thumbs. Of course, if she had gotten any, they probably would have also been evil demon thumbs that taped everything she said and turned her simple phrases into things that made it seem like she actually had feelings for her sister.)

Sinai in a pair of jeans that were clearly never hers to begin with.

Oh, Sinai! Why did you have to get the XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL jeans?! You know that those are even too big for your huge and very portly tummy!

Of course, Sinai does not make very many poor choices, even with her lack of thumbs. Most of the time, in fact, she usually just follows her sister’s awful advice and ends up doing something that she later regrets. Sinai has tried to prevent this by finding other rats to work for her so that she can fire her sister, but so far no one has signed up. So it looks like she’ll just have to wait until somebody wants to be her chef/butler/tailor/maid/lawn service rat/painter/roofer/doctor/stand-in-sister/gardener/mattress/entertainment system/general all-purpose rat. If you are interested, call (123) LUV SISI. Pay is $1 per month. No health benefits. You may have to donate some of your money to Sinai if she asks for it.

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What Olivia Thinks of You

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What could she be thinking?!

Ever wonder what goes on in a cat’s brain? What do cats think about you? Well luckily for you, Olivia, one of Sinai’s (feline) friends, has decided to reveal the answer to this huge secret. If you are very sensitive and easily offended, it is recommended that you do not read this or ever attempt to communicate with a feline, as you will probably walk away from either of these experiences very butthurt.


Hi, I am Olivia. I am going to tell you what I think about you. If you want the simple answer, I think you are useless except for providing thumbs and food when I need them. If you want the complex answer, I think you are mean for not allowing me unrestricted access to said thumbs and food. Also, you are creepy for looking at that picture of me. Stop staring, you creep. Finally, I think you are ugly for not having luscious fur like I do. All you have is a bald face and also no tail. Very unattractive

Olivia the Cat (from an interview with an unamed human curious about cats’ thoughts)

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