A beautiful rat who goes by the lovely and quite soothing name “Negev” contemplates a question that has kept him up all night ever since he began to wonder about it. Behind him, his less appealing brother who stupidly pats the cage bars. Ew.
In the picture above, I know you want to look at the rat who is deep in thought instead of the one stupidly patting the bars of a metal cage, which is a very stupid, stupid thing to do. What a show of true stupidity! How stupid. (Why would anyone ever want to pat the bars of a cage, when you could be doing so much more entertaining things, such as serving me, King Negev, a snack?) I really find it quite ridiculous that even a rat as stupid as the one behind me in that otherwise beautiful picture could be so stupid as to stupidly pat the cage bars.
But anyhow, I , Negev Awesome Cheeziki, am thinking of running for President of All Ratdom!!! (In case you are wondering, the position of President of All Ratdom was thought up by one of my closest friends… you may know him. His name is Negev.) I know you all loved that stupid old democracy thing, whatever it was, that came before the Age of Negev (and my monarchy), so I have decided I might go back to a democracy. To get supporters, you know. I don’t really like going to a democracy, when I can be King of the World. I think you will all want to become my servants now that I am running for president. I am so very, very, noble, don’t you think? Who wants to join my fanclub?
As King of the World, I have issued a law that says that nobody that is not named “Negev Awesome Cheeziki” may run for President of All Ratdom, and that no one may change their name to “Negev Awesome Cheeziki”, as it is my name, and I would not like it to lose its uniqueness! And I want rats to not confuse lowly peasants with the greatest rat to ever live just because they happen to have my name. (Newborn babies are also not allowed to recieve the name “Negev Awesome Cheeziki.” Just an FYI for parents who want their children to become president.) Also, all rodents must vote for one of the candidates running for President of All Ratdom. Even babies will have to vote! So when Election Day rolls around, don’t forget to vote for your favorite candidate, Negev! (I have a feeling there won’t be many opponents to vote for, anyways. I don’t know why, but I just have a feeling in my big rodent gut.)
I have also decided I would keep my position of King of the World, but you rats must vote for me to keep my position! Now, I know that no one normally votes for who will be King of the World, but, as a fair democratic leader, I have decided you may all vote for who will be King of the World. (If you would like to run against me in the election for who will be King of the World, you will have to be approved by the current King of the World to run. Also, all rats- from ages zero to a million- must vote once in the election for who will be King of the World. If you are a million and one years-old, congratulations, you get to vote twice!) Aren’t I such a generous leader? I know you will all want to vote for me, and not for the other silly rats who try to become King of the World! (I doubt many will end up in the race against me, anyways…probably because the current King of the World will be very picky about who may enter the race. Not like I know the current King of the World. I hear he is a very busy rat, and I would not like to waste his precious time.)
Isn’t that a cunning election poster? I just know you will want to vote for me now that you have seen my amazing campaign poster!! And it is very true, you know- I do know what is good for you! For example, I know that being fat is good for you (because everyone wants to look like Negev)! Some people have said that it causes Type II Diabetes to occur, but “diabetes” is a pretty cool sounding word, so I don’t get whats so bad about them. And so is being tan and white (dye your fur so that you look like Negev)! But being white and tan is positively awful, and it is pretty hard to tell “tan and white” apart from “white and tan” (they are not the same thing, by the way!), so you might want to consult me, Negev (for a small fee of, oh, maybe $99), to see if you are the great tan and white, or the disgusting white and tan. Believe me, you do not want to be white and tan, because then you would look just like that awful rodent, Mojave!!! And I know that would break your heart because Mojave is the most obnoxious rodent I have ever talked to (and I have talked to a lot of rats, by the way).
Anyhow, I need to know if you would vote for me, King Negev, for President of All Ratdom. So please answer the poll below because I need to know how many supporters I have, okay? I would feel absolutely awful if you didn’t say that you would vote for me!! And I know you don’t want me to feel bad, as I am extremely beloved by many, and it would break their precious hearts if I didn’t become President of All Ratdom!