Mojave, my brother (I am ashamed to admit it) is a cruel villain only interested in tormenting you. If you ever encounter him, you will most likely come out of it a changed rat and freak out whenever you see a white and tan rat again. But never fear, because, I, King Negev, have prepared tips for surviving an encounter with the evil and vicious Mojave Cheeziki, so that you do not freak out when shown pictures of white and tan rats afterwards. Please study the tips below until you have them memorized so the damage inflicted by Mojave is minimal.
(that is Mojave above)
Tips for Surviving an Encounter with the Evil Mojave
1. Despite being a cruel villain, Mojave is of the submissive type. If you ORDER him to go away (forcefully), he will go away. At least, he usually goes away when I tell him to go away….
2. Tell Mojave he will get fired by his master, Negev, if he continues to act like a creep. (He would hate to be fired, and I will actually fire him if he acts like a creep in public. It looks horrible on my reputation!)
3. Call him “Mo-jave” (literally pronounce it like that). That seems to annoy him. Even though that is what his name looks like. It looks nothing like the stupid pronunciation he uses (Mohavy).
4. Show him the picture above with his ugly face censored!!! MWA HA HA HA HA!!! He will feel so shocked to see public hatred of him that you will have enough time to escape from his cruel clutches!!
5. Squirt water or air in his face. It is soooo much fun to see him squeak for his mommy. And it’ll make him pay less attention to you. (Not to mention that his mommy prefers her other son, Negev, over that silly little creep.)
6. Read his autobiography to him, as it is a very boring book, and he should fall asleep within a few minutes. Not to mention that his writing is horrible, and he’ll get really embarrassed when he hears how horrible it is when read aloud.
7. Take out a yogie and show him it. Then throw it a really far distance away. He is obsessed with these treats, and will do anything for them.
8. Say, “I’m ‘da boss!”, and he’ll think you are I, Negev, and he always doesn’t act vicious to me. (Although you must look like me too. He is not that stupid, unfortunately.)
9. Throw his autobiography at him. It’s not only boring, but also long. Meaning it is rather heavy…so it should knock him out for a while!! Which is enough time for you to run away quickly!
10. Talk in a foreign language to confuse him! He is easily confused by things he doesn’t understand (i.e. everything). If you don’t know one, start yelling gibberish, or meow like a cat. He’s pretty stupid, and he’ll think you do know a foreign language (since he doesn’t know any himself, of course, so he can’t recognize a fake when he hears it).
11. Throw your pet cat at him, if worst comes to worst. (Hopefully, you have a pet cat. If not, you might want to try a stuffed animal that represents a cat.)
Indeed, Mojave is a pest. Here are some more pictures so that you may get used to the disturbing looks of the cruel and unjust Mojave. (You may want to wash out your eyes after you finish viewing them.)