The Worst Page

Hello. Mojave has asked me if he can have a page in my section on Sinai’s website. I said “no”, of course, but then that blackmailing rat told me he would quit his job as my (only) maid/cook/indentured servant/washwoman/butler/handywoman/general slaverat if I didn’t let him, so I had to let him have a page. So if you do not want to waste a really long amount of time reading a whole lot of hooey about some ugly rat named Mojave, please do not continue reading this page. I think it would be best for you if you didn’t go on with this silly page, but if you must, you may go on. Although I think it would do something awful to your brain if you did continue.

King Negev, Boss of You, Ruler of the World, and Master of the Universe


    Hello, my name is Mojave. I am here to give you the real idea about who I am, not the heavily biased version that Negev, my brother, feeds anyone who will listen. I am actually a victim of a bossy sibling (who insists that he is amazing and not at all bossy). Ever since I was born, Negev has decided that I would be his personal servant. That means that I get to do all the work in his humongous palace (which I provided the funds for), while he sits on his butt and eats yogurt. ALL DAY LONG. Negev refuses to hire any other servants, because he does not want to encourage me to have friends. (And I think he secretly likes to watch me get stressed about how much labor I have to do, since there are no other servants to help me tidy the house.) Negev also uses my money to buy him stuff (he says that as his servant, he is allowed to use my money), mostly because he has no money himself. (To earn money- since Negev doesn’t pay me- I sell the junk that Negev wants me to throw away- such as pictures I drew for him when I was a little boy rat and actually got along with him.) Negev has probably been telling you about how cruel and evil I am, when, in fact, he throws a fit whenever I say that he’ll have to wait a minute for his dinner. I mean, sheesh! Oh, and I bet he has put some silly warning on this page for you to not read it. He thinks I will infect the minds of other rats, and cause them to go insane. (I personally think it’s Negev’s super-sized ego that causes them to go insane, actually.) Negev also tells me that I am an awful liar (mostly since I call him “bossy” all the time, while he insists that he is not at all bossy or stuck up; in fact he is even “modest”! I laugh at how he can find himself to be modest, especially when he considers himself to be King of the World. Although you could technically call that modest if you compared it to the claims that his best friend, Sinai Blight, makes. She says that she is the “Divine Ruler of Everything.” Rubbish, I say.) Negev also loves to annoy me, although he tends to say that I am the annoying one (he changed my middle name to “Annoying”.) He finds it hilarious to purposely messy up his house so that I have to do more work (which is not at all convenient, as I spend my time after hours selling his junk). In fact, Negev has even made up this really stupid song that he likes to sing to me. It’s called “The Slave Song” (even though I am his “indentured servant” who never actually receives freedom), and it’s really obnoxious. I’m sure you are intrigued as to what that awful song sounds like (though I warn you that it’s rather offensive, and it’s positively rude, too), so I will print it below. By the way, the song is copyright to Negev, so you aren’t allowed to steal it, although I honestly wouldn’t care less if you did want to steal it. So go ahead and steal it, okay?

THE SLAVE SONG

by King Negev, Boss of You, Ruler of the World, and Master of the Universe


I am your master,
You are my slave!
You’re really ugly,
And your name is Mojave*

I’m really awesome,
You’re really not!
Why are you standing here,
Go clean my chamber pot!

I’m really smart,
You’re really dumb!
I think it’s disgusting
That you suck your thumb!

I’m super funny,
You’re a boring mess!
You know you’re really ugly–
So why don’t you confess?

I’m tan and white,
You’re white and tan!
Tell me you haven’t really
Killed the cooking pan?!

I like to give gifts**,
You like to have!
I think you’re really greedy–
Go sit in the lav***!


*Pronounce like “MOJAVE”, not like “MOHAVY”
**This is a slight fabrication
***As in the lavatory

Anyways, that is the song that Negev sings to me. ALL THE TIME. Even when I ask him to please stop, as it is causing me to be unable to vacuum his dirty bathroom rug. Isn’t it pleasant? Yes it is. Or at least it is to Negev. To me, it is rather annoying and severely offensive (not like Negev cares what I think)! But if I complain, he’ll just make up some new excuse to make me look really mean. I’m pretty sure that that is what Negev spends all of his time in his room doing. Anyhow, Negev believes that if he sings me “pleasant and soothing songs”, I will become more docile, and I’ll wish to serve him more (as in clean his house more often and serve him gourmet dinners). Unfortunately, his plan has gone astray, since I definitely do not want to start spending all of my time serving him. I have junk to sell, you know! How else will Negev afford food if I can’t sell junk to get money? (He’ll probably have to resort to getting a job himself…you know, that wouldn’t be so bad, actually….) Anyways, Negev is not very smart in thinking that I would actually wish to become his obedient slave. (He thinks of me an irritating, yet foolishly dumb rat whose mind can be easily twisted into obedience. Which I am not.)

Anyways, this page is getting kind of long, so good bye. And don’t believe a thing Negev tells you about me from now on. (By the way, the two pictures on this page were drawn by me, and not by Mr. King of the World.) Never forget the truth that I have revealed to you here.

Sometimes, I like to dream about talking to Sinai the Great, and I think that I'll never be able to do that. But then I remember that I can just comment on one of her many fantastic blog posts, and I immediately cheer up.

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