A Beautiful Haiku About Sinai

Sinai is pretty
She is so pretty, attractive, interesting, nice, kindly, funny, sweet, likeable, loveable, adorable, chumpy, delightful, sinailicious, good, great, wonderful, admirable, internationally-beloved, cute, fuzzy, fluffy, delicious, chucka-y, skilled, talented, smart, witty, intelligent, knowledgable, exciting, and friendly.
That five syllables

The Cutest, Charmingest, Delightfulest, Beautifulest, Bestest, Sweetest, Funniest, Wittiest, Loveliest, Fascinatingest, Intelligentest, and Humblest Rat Ever!

Look at this absolutely adorable little child of rat! She is so cute! Also, her name is Sinai, which means “The Bestest Rat.” (Look it up, it’s true. I’m not lying.) She is very beautiful, as you can clearly see (unless you are blind; in that case, I apologize for being politically incorrect), and she also smells good. (You will have to take my word for that.) Plus, she has a melodious voice that is soothing to the ear. Please ignore the strange white blur in the bottom left corner. I don’t know what happened. There must have been something wrong with the camera. However, I assure you, that is not Sinai’s ugly, disgusting, smelly, nasty, stinky, farting sister, Soigné, running away from her darling sister. Why would she ever do that? Sinai is a very kind and loving rat. She has never been mean or disrespectful to her sister, ever! Really! I she did not write this post, so anything about how “ugly, disgusting, smelly, nasty, stinky” Soigné is is not from her. Really. I am not kidding! Okay, now onto the situation of the white blur which really is not Soigné. I think it might be a ghost. Yeah, that’s probably it. It was training for Halloween. Of course, Soigné is so ugly that she scares little rat children everyday of the year, not just Halloween.

How to Look Very Innocent and Trick Your Owners Into Thinking You Couldn’t Possibly Have Done That Horrible Thing (Even Though You Actually Did)

Now, it can be quite challenging to pull off the “angelic innocent pet” look, but once you master it, it is quite rewarding. Not only can you fool your owner into believing that whoever made the piddle puddle underneath the sofa, it sure wasn’t the adorable cat child who looks like she was sent from the divine world (aka you) but you also look squeal-worthy cute and could become rich and famous for looking cute.

Step 1. Accept that puppy eyes are no longer acceptable. If you are a puppy, these are just your natural eyes, and nobody cares about your normal facial expression. If you are not a puppy, you look stupid trying to make your face resemble one. Either way, puppy eyes are not effective.

Step 2. Find your inner innocence and channel it. If you have none, then just pretend you do. Humans can’t tell the difference once you are cute enough.

Step 3. Gently tilt your head to the side of your choice and up. Also, be sure to gaze up at the ceiling because, duh, that is what angels do! This effect is even better if you sit on something tall and against a glowing background or at least something lighter than your fur color. If you can spontaneously generate feathery wings, that’s great too.

Congratulations! You now look like an angel. Have fun decieving your humans and making the other cats who are not nearly as talented as you take the blame.

How to Be a Great Ledge-Balancer!

Right now, standing on a 3″ wide ledge half a foot off the ground might sound kind of scary to most sensible rats. Luckily, you do not have to be very scared at all! All you have to do is learn how to be a great ledge-balancer, and there will be nothing to fear ever again. (Note: “Nothing” does not include any of the following: Soigné, rats with white and black fur, Sinai’s sister, white and blackness, ugly rats, greasy white and black fur, Swanyay.)

Soigné can balance on a ledge… why can’t you?! Come on, don’t let a loser like Soigné look better than you at something as simple as balancing on a ledge. LEARN TO BE A GREAT LEDGE-BALANCER TODAY.

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1. First, you must find a ledge to practice on. You can’t balance on a ledge without a ledge, duh! That’s like being alive without adoring and loving and worshiping and wanting to be Sinai! (Note: It may be a problem to get this ledge if your human does not understand rat language and therefore can’t carry it for you to your cage.)

2. Now that you have found a ledge, get someone to install it. You should probably get your human to do it because all humans, as you know, possess a special magic known as “THUMZ.” This allows them to use their paws in ways that you, sadly… can not.

3. Okay, now you are ready to begin! Just kidding, you are not. If you want to be safe and not kill yourself while practicing, you should buy a SINAI Mattress with SINAIFOME, a unique new material that will make sure that if you fall on it, you only suffer minor injuries (i.e. breaking your tail-bone) rather than the major ones (i.e. bruising your tail). You should get king size just in case you have a wide fall.

4. Now you really are ready to begin. Get someone to help you up onto the ledge/hold the camcorder so they record you falling and post it online, causing you embarrassment for the rest of your life.

5. If you are on the ledge, you have to act fast. Stick your tail out to steady yourself, and make sure to dig your claws in so you don’t fall off. (Note: Sinai will not pay for damages if you get stuck on the ledge because you stuck your claws in way too far.)

6. Continue to practice every day, and see how long you can last on the ledge. If you improve, congratulations, you will soon become a great ledge-balancer! Maybe you will even be able to sleep on your ledge, like certain adorable, lovable, worship-able, and want-to-be-able rats can.

I’m not suggesting any adorable, lovable, worship-able, and want-to-be-able rat in particular. Just saying.

How to Hashtag Like a Pro!

It’s very easy to hashtag! All you do is pick random words that slightly relate to your subject matter and slap a hashtag in front. Hashtags used to be limited to just Twitter, but now d-bags and Honda dealers around the world stick them in front of every single word they speak just to be more d-bag-ish. Sinai will show you just how easy it is to hashtag by using a picture of her. All you need is your brain, literacy, and creativity. A thesaurus is helpful if you are short on hashtags but can’t find anything else to use.

#sinai #cute #funny #sweet #adorable #charming #delightful #hilarious #pretty #beautiful #rat #rodent #rattusnorvegicus #attractive #smart #genius #intelligent #witty #punny #fancyrat #chubby #tail #multicoloredtail #prettytail #nice #plump #fatso #fatty #pleasantlyplump #lovable #likeable #snout #fur #hair #blackandwhite #blackandwhitefur #blackandwhitehair #notwhiteandblack #ihatewhiteandblack #whiteandblackisugly #hashtag #thisisahashtag #cuterat #cuteface #cutetail #nose #eye #othereye #eyes #nostril #internationallybeloved #remarkable #excellent #perfect #humble #shelf #cage #door #cagebars #wooddoor #greyshelf, #grayshelf, #ears, #dumborat, #bigears, #pinkears #soulfuleyes #sinaithegreat #sinaiblight #sinainumbersblight #sinainumbersnumbersdontlieblight #sinaithegreatdivinerulerofeverything #divineruler #divinerulerofeverything #stg #stgdroe #sb #snb #torso #furry #kind #fuzzy #fluffy #hairy #whiskers #shadow #amazing #hasalosersister #si #niley #sisi #nainai #smunny #dollarat #sbigcash #zwvasv #notianis #hasneverlied #animal #mammal #organism #alive #awake #darling #female #biggirl #chumpy #chump #chumpychump #chubba #photograph #photo #canbreathe #air #nitrogen #oxygen #o #watervapor #h2ovapor #carbondioxide #co2 #methane #gas #atmosphere #troposphere #earth #solarsystem #milkyway #milkywaygalaxy #theuniverse #doesnotoverusehashtags

How To Be Like Soigné Blight (Better Known As Sinai’s Pesky Sister)!

Hi! I’m Soigné, the sister of Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything! I am definitely not Sinai pretending to be Soigné! Why would I she ever want to do that? I can’t honestly imagine why you would want to be like me (as in Soigné, not Sinai who, let me repeat, I am not), but, as you are still reading this I assume you actually do. (?!) Anyhow, read on to learn how to be a total schlemiel just like me! Oh, how exciting!

You have probably, at one point in your life, wanted to be someone other than yourself. Examples of rats who you probably have wanted to be would include Sinai the Great, Sinai Blight, or the Divine Ruler of Everything. However, there are many other rats who can want to be, even if you are not exactly sure why you’d want to be them. Soigné Blight is a very good example of such rats. She is annoying, pesky, a pain in the multi-colored tail, annoying, annoying, annoying, greasy, annoying, grimy, disgusting, annoying, dirty, nasty, gross, not soigné, annoying, annoying, annoying, annoying, irritating, annoying, and annoying– but for some reason, rats want to be like her. Who knew?

If you are suddenly wanting to be like Soigné for some strange reason, then you are in luck! Sinai has typed up this lovely and rather helpful guide just for you! Reading it will help you to achieve your crazy goal of being like Soigné (who is a terrible role model, BY THE WAY).

How To Be a Terrible Rat Just Like Soigné!

Before you continue, please ask yourself if you really want to be like Soigné. If you are not 100% sure, then you should not continue. If you are 100% sure that you really do want to be like Soigné, then you should probably go see your doctor.

Step 1. Roll around in a vat full of grease. It is important to be very greasy when you are imitating Soigné because she prides herself in the terrible condition of her straw-like fur.

Step 2. Dye your fur a disgusting shade of white and black (!! NOT BLACK AND WHITE !!). Be very careful not to get black and white, because that is not Soigné’s fur color.

Step 3. Adapt to have a nasally accent (or one that sounds like you have a nose full of boogers).

Step 4. Roll around in some more grease.

Step 5. Get a cute, funny, adorable, likeable, sweet, charming, delightful, soigné, black and white, beautiful, attractive, and kindly rat to be the Sinai to your Soigné. Bonus points if you are related to said rat.

Step 6. Reject baths, showers, cleanliness, and hygiene in general. If you are to be Soigné, you must be absolutely filthy!

Step 7. Read Soigné’s autobiography (I Am Not A Terrible Rat! by S. T. A. Blight) so you can think more like this disgrace to society.

Step 8. Thoroughly coat yourself with even more grease.

Step 9. Give up because no one can ever be as disgusting as Soigné is. And don’t forget to go to your doctor to have your brain checked!

Ask Sinai #9

Dear Sinai,
You are an okay rat. I mean, you are a nice rat, but you are pretty average. I am also a very average rat. I am not exceptionally smart, funny, or talented. I was wondering how you somehow managed to become a very successful rat despite your averageness. I do not think I am destined to be big and famous like you, but I do want to live a successful life. Can you give me tips?

– Plain Old Ordinary Priscilla Bucket

Dear P.O.O.P Bucket,
Let me establish one fact before I continue: I AM NOT AN AVERAGE RAT. I am an extraordinarly witty, cute, funny, funny, smart, funny, kind, funny, adorable, attractive, funny, beautiful, exceptional, stellar, outstanding, kind, cute, hilarious, funny, funny, soigné, remarkable, poetic, funny, intelligent, kind, funny, divine, funny, graceful, gracious, funny, lovable, funny, wonderful, magical, wonderful, funny, attractive, charming, delightful, kind, funny, delightful, humble, and non-repetitive rat. I am in no way average. I don’t know what would ever make you think that that awful word could ever describe the Divine Ruler of Everything. Obviously, you are mentally diseased. I recommend you find a qualified doctor to help you find a cure (if any) to your mental illness. I believe Dr. S. I. Naithegreat, my dearest doctor friend, would be very good at helping you. She can be contacted by calling (123) LUV SISI. Now, onto your question. As you are mentally ill, I do not believe you would be able to understand any answers if I wrote them, so therefore I will not bother. Besides, insulting the most important rat alive pretty much ruins any chances you have of a successful life. I have friends in higher places than you (but lower than me).

– Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything

The Book of Sinai Entry #2

Dear Book of Me,

Sometimes I feel like my sister does not want to bond with me. I do not understand why, as I am the most attractive, smart, funny, lovable, soft, hilarious, amicable, likable, intelligent, kindly, cute, adorable, friendly, silky, charming, elegant, distinguished, brainy, great, divine, athletic, easy-going and humble rat to ever live. I mean, who wouldn’t want to bond with me? It’s the opportunity of a lifetime, you know. A lot of young rodents want nothing more than to be my friend, and here she is, refusing my kind offer!

But anyhow, I have been trying to be more friendly towards my sister, Soigné, after getting a couple complaints from some lady rat named “5w@nY_ay2881927463” on http://www.reviewsinai5starsordie.com about how I “mistreat my sister.” (Complete lies, obviously, but I don’t need some little kid spreading false rumors about the relationship I have with my sister.)

Some of the ways I have tried to be more kind than I already have been to Soigné include reducing her work day from sixteen hours to fifteen hours and fifty-nine minutes, helping her try on SinaiSüts (see Ask Sinai #2 for details), and forcing her to eat one square meal a day (instead of her old diet of choice, bread and water). I think I have been a very generous and loving sister, and yet she tells me that she wants to move out and no longer work for me. What a thankless snob! I’ve spent minutes thinking up ways to improve her already-privileged life. Believe me, not all rats can sleep in the cellars of the Divine Ruler of Everything! She should consider herself lucky. Shame on her for being so ungrateful.

Your favorite and very underappreciated rat,
Sinai the Great, Divine Ruler of Everything

Sinai and Soigné Bond

…But only if Sinai is too lazy to get up. I mean, if you could be eating or being an amazing universal leader, wouldn’t you rather do that than have your smelly sister sit on you?

In case you’re wondering, it’s enough that I am willing to use her as a mattress.

I’m sure you’d never be able to guess who was who. I mean, they look so similar from the back!

Because, as we all know, Sinai is a very soft and jiggly rodent.